My break up is killing me (+Guideline on what to do)
By
OptimistMinds
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Author bio
The Optimistminds editorial team is made up of psychologists, psychiatrists and mental health professionals. Each article is written by a team member with exposure to and experience in the subject matter. The article then gets reviewed by a more senior editorial member. This is someone with extensive knowledge of the subject matter and highly cited published material.
This article will discuss how it feels to deal with a breakup. What happens to a person emotionally when their heart is broken, and why it sometimes feels like the breakup will kill you.
Aside from that, the article suggested ways a person can cope with the breakup to not be in so much pain because of it.
What happens to my brain as I’m dealing with a breakup?
Going through a breakup can make you feel like it is killing you. But it might also feel like a roller coaster. It is a period of many emotions, and sometimes one might feel like that was the best thing they could have done, but in others, they might start to question why did they decide to break up, and what are ways they could go back to that relationship.
A long time ago there was no way of knowing how a breakup affected people, it was common to say that it was just heartbreak. But nowadays it is known that the pathways to emotional pain are the same ones brought on by physical pain. So with that people got the notion that a heartbreak causes real and palpable pain.
Dealing with a breakup can be a stressful situation, and a person will have a high dosage of cortisol. That can cause their muscles to tense up, which can cause people to have headaches or that chest squeezing feeling.
Along with that, when there is a high cortisol level, a person’s immune system can struggle, and it can also affect your sleep and ability for good judgment. The stress caused by the break-up also impacts the area of the brain related to addiction. That is why it might feel like you were actually addicted to the person and are now going cold turkey.
Because of all these physical impacts, it might seem like, sometimes, your breakup has the potential to kill you. Now let’s take a look at the emotional aspects of a breakup.
Why does it feel like my breakup is killing me?
Because of all that has been said it might seem like a breakup can kill you. This might be because in going through a breakup something inside of you is dying.
When you are in a relationship you have a whole new identity. Instead of only your one, a “we” identity is created. That is made of all the things you and your partner create together. All your plans and expectations, likes and dislikes.
This becomes such an important part of who you are that when this relationship ends, and a person has to deal with the breakup, it might feel that so much of who they are is lost, and it might kill them to live without this other person and the life they shared.
Like any other process of grief, a breakup is also a reaction to the breaking of a bond. And because of that, it can have many ups and downs. Even if a person wanted to break up, they might have moments of questioning their own decisions, and look back on what it was and wonder if it wouldn’t be better to have stayed.
The first couple of months tends to be the hardest. In it, the person should embrace their pain, and allow their emotions to go through. It is the period when you will realize how your life is without that person.
In it, you will have to find yourself, how to be with friends, loved ones, and at home without that person there. And sometimes the pain can feel like it might kill you.
But with time the person might start to regain the power of their own lives and feelings. When that happens, it might feel like you are your person again. And although they will always have and nourish the memory of that relationship, thinking about it won’t kill them anymore.
But if that is not the case, and after around 6 months the person is still struggling with their break up, it might be time to look for professional help. But to help you before that, let’s discuss some ways a person can cope with their break up.
A 5 ideas guideline of how to cope through a breakup
When dealing with a break up the person needs to get to know themselves all over again without that other person they used to love. Let’s check how one can cope with a breakup in this guideline.
Exercise
Exercising is a great way to cope with a breakup. It will not only keep you active but also make you take care of yourself. But it will also improve your mood the same way some antidepressants would. It raises your level of serotonin, and when you are done without it, the endorphins will improve your sense of well-being.
Keep your friends close
An important part of a breakup is the social support you will have when dealing with it. The people around you will remind you why the relationship ended, and they can also be the ones you can call when sadness is there.
Although some people might isolate themselves after a breakup, a person should find their trusted friends and family members also as a way to re-establish their identities. So invite people for lunches or coffee outings, be with people that you love, that love you, and make you feel connected.
Take care of what you eat and drink
When going through a breakup people might want to binge eat or drink. But it is important to remember that after you drink a lot your mood, just as one of the people that uses some types of drugs, tends to go low.
The same goes for binge eating. Some people can experience intense guilt after it, and their mood can be affected profoundly. So try to keep an eye on what you eat and drink, to keep as healthy as you can, and do not impact, in a negative way, your mood.
Try something new
When a person gets out of a relationship it might feel like they will have to rediscover life again. In that, finding some new activities you might enjoy can be a great solace. It can be a new hobby or doing some volunteer work.
But allowing yourself to new possibilities might show you how much you still have to experiment, how potent you are, and what the world still has to offer you.
Consider changing your scenery
Going through a breakup, especially when you lived with the person, can turn coming home into huge suffering. Not only that, parts of your town can be emotional triggers of what you lived through. If that is the case, a person might benefit from a change of scenery.
Maybe taking a vacation somewhere, or sometimes even moving to a new place can give you the possibility to see and think about other things instead of the breakup. If you feel like that is a possibility for you, just pack your bag and go for it!
Frequently Asked Questions(FAQ): Why does it feel like my breakup is killing me?
How long does it take for me to get better from my breakup?
Although recovering completely, to a point that thinking about won’t bring up any intense emotions, can take some time. But around 6 weeks after the breakup people start to adjust to life without their partners.
After that time, they might start to feel like they are regaining control of their lives. And although there will still be pain, and painful moments, that notion that the break-up will be impossible to recover from is gone. It will hardly feel like the breakup is killing them.
Why do I always feel so bad after a breakup?
The first and most important thing to say is that breakups usually leave people feeling bad at first. That is not something you should feel bad about. But with that in mind, the amount of pain a person experiences in a break is related, not only, to how the relationship was, but to other factors.
When you break up with someone, your attachment style might define how you will deal with it. People that have a more secure attachment style, although still find it hard to break up, understand that some relationships might end, but that will not kill them. Not only that, people who are more adjustable to things tend to have an easier time with breakups.
Why is it so hard to end a relationship?
There are many reasons why ending a relationship is hard. It might be because you have the potential of hurting another person and yourself when doing that. It can also be that deciding to do so, and pulling the plug on all the plans you had together is extremely difficult.
Other people usually have trouble ending a relationship because it would take them out of their comfort zone, and even though the relationship might not be good, it is better than what they imagine might be out there. In any case, a person should consider their happiness when thinking of a breakup.
Why do people break up?
There are many reasons why people break up. But it is usually related to reaching a point in the relationship in which the conflicts seem to not be solved. People that tend to try to solve the problems in their relationships will only end it when it feels like it is going nowhere.
It might also be that a person chooses to end a relationship because they are not headed in the same direction, so putting their energy in this relationship might seem meaningless. Other times it might just be because the person’s feelings have changed.
What can I say to break up with someone?
It is always hard to find the words to end a relationship. If you decide to end yours, try to be honest and compassionate to the other person. Tell them how you feel, but you don’t need to rehash past situations if it will only bring more pain.
Be respectful, give the other person the chance to say what they feel and think, and when it is done, say what you would want about keeping in touch or not.
Conclusion
This article explained what happens to a person when they are dealing with a breakup. How this affects their emotional and sometimes even physical well-being, and why it feels like, sometimes, your breakup might be killing you.
Not only that, but the article also highlighted ways a person can cope with the breakup.
If you have any questions or comments about this article, feel free to write it in the section below.