Your question: Why does my partner blame me for his anxiety?
By
OptimistMinds
| Reviewed by
Dr. Mark Mohan Kaggwa
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Author bio
The Optimistminds editorial team is made up of psychologists, psychiatrists and mental health professionals. Each article is written by a team member with exposure to and experience in the subject matter. The article then gets reviewed by a more senior editorial member. This is someone with extensive knowledge of the subject matter and highly cited published material.
Reviewer bio
Dr. Mark Mohan Kaggwa is a psychiatrist with experience in both clinical and research work. Major research contributions have been in forensic psychiatry, suicidology, medical education, and addiction psychiatry. He writes and reviews articles on these topics.
Brief bio
I have a wealth of expertise and experience in research and publication in psychiatry. I am a psychiatrist who has led and participated in several research projects and trainings, covering various topics such as addiction, forensic psychiatry, student mental health, and suicidology. I have a strong track record of mentoring and guiding early career researchers, especially students, to achieve academic excellence and recognition.
I have supervised and supported several students to publish their first peer-reviewed articles in high-impact journals such as the Lancet. Five of my mentees have received prestigious awards for their scientific contributions through publications, conference presentations, and travel grants. I derive great satisfaction and motivation from seeing others succeed and grow in their research careers.
Through mentoring activities, I have also enhanced my research and publication skills, resulting in over 70 publications in the past three years. My notable publications include several Lancet Psychiatry papers, widely cited and whose findings are implemented in various settings. I have also won several awards for my writing skills, such as the best journal article from the Royal College of Psychiatry Journals in August 2023.
Many of my articles have been featured on the cover pages of various journals, reflecting their significance and impact. I have also disseminated my research findings through conferences, seminars, and lectures, where I have been invited as a keynote speaker on three occasions.
I am passionate about solving real-world problems and improving the lives of people with mental health issues, especially those who are marginalized and vulnerable, through a team-based approach. I believe in training others to increase the field’s diversity of knowledge and perspectives.
I have extensive experience in data analysis, research methodology, design, and implementation science, which enables me to execute and train others effectively and efficiently. I am also a motivated team leader, an innovative problem solver, and a collaborative partner. My contribution is instrumental to this project’s success and advancing knowledge in this field.
Ongoing research projects:
- Self-harming behaviours among forensic patients in Ontario.
This project which started in December 2022, focuses on identifying the risks associated with physical self-harming behaviors and their related correlates
Role: Principal Investigator
- Suicide, all-cause mortality, and self-harming behaviours among forensic patients in Ontario.
This project is based on administrative databases to determine trends of suicide and all-cause mortality among forensic patients in Ontario. The project has been running since July 2023 to date
Role: Principal Investigator.
- Horticulture therapy’s role in reducing aggressive incidences among forensic patients in Ontario.
In this stepwise pragmatic cluster-randomized, we employ horticulture therapy in rehabilitating forensic patients in Ontario.
Role: Principal Investigator
- A preliminary study exploring the relationship between electroretinography waveforms and suicidal behaviour severity.
This project seeks to identify the waveforms that are related to suicidal behaviours among patients with depression. Recruitment for the study started in October 2023
Role: Principal Investigator
- Positions, Scientific Appointments, and Honors
| 2023 – present | American Psychiatry Association Colloquium fellow 2023, American Psychiatry Association, USA |
| 2022 – present | McMaster Forensic Psychiatry fellowship, McMasters University Department of Psychiatry and Behavioural Neuroscience, Hamilton, Canada |
| 2018 – 2021 | First Mile Fellowship (Masters support program), Massachusetts General Hospital Institute of Health Professions, USA
|
- Contributions to Science
- Suicidology epidemiology
I have been involved in projects investigating the prevalence of suicidal behaviours in various parts of the world. This work has reported the burden and associated factors among the following populations: university students, individuals affected by food insecurity, and those affected by the COVID-19 pandemic.
1) Kaggwa M.M, Akatussasira R, et. al. The global burden of suicidal behaviour among people experiencing food insecurity: A systematic review and meta-analysis. Journal of Affective Disorders. 2023. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jad.2023.09.012
2) Nahrin R, Al-Mamun F, Kaggwa M.M, et al. Prevalence and factors associated with suicidal ideation among students taking university entrance tests: revisited and a study based on Geographic Information System data. BJPsych Open. https://doi.org/10.1192/bjo.2023.526
3) Abaatyo, J., … Kaggwa, M.Ml. Suicidal behaviour among inpatients with severe mental conditions in a public mental health hospital in Uganda. BMC Psychiatry 23, 346 (2023). https://doi.org/10.1186/s12888-023-04858-x
4) Kaggwa MM, Nuwamanya S, Ashaba S, Rukundo GZ, Harms S. An Adolescent’s Use of Veterinary Medicines: A Case Report Exploring Addiction. Journal of Psychoactive Drugs. 2021/08/08 2021;53(4):339-344. doi:10.1080/02791072.2021.1873466
5) Kaggwa MM, Muwanguzi M, Nduhuura E, et al. Suicide among Ugandan university students: evidence from media reports for 2010–2020. BJPsych International. 2021;18(3):63-67. doi:10.1192/bji.2021.13
6) Mamun MA, Al Mamun F, Hosen I, … Kaggwa MM, et al. Suicidality in Bangladeshi Young Adults During the COVID-19 Pandemic: The Role of Behavioral Factors, COVID-19 Risk and Fear, and Mental Health Problems. Risk Manag Healthc Policy. 2021;14:4051-4061. doi:10.2147/rmhp.S330282
7) Kaggwa MM, Arinaitwe I, Muwanguzi M, et al. Suicidal behaviours among Ugandan university students: a cross-sectional study. BMC Psychiatry. 2022/04/01 2022;22(1):234. doi:10.1186/s12888-022-03858-7
8) Kaggwa MM, Mamun MA, Najjuka SM, et al. Gambling-related suicide in East African Community countries: evidence from press media reports. BMC Public Health. Jan 24 2022;22(1):158. doi:10.1186/s12889-021-12306-2
9) Kaggwa MM, Rukundo GZ, Wakida EK, et al. Suicide, and Suicide Attempts Among Patients Attending Primary Health Care Facilities in Uganda: A Medical Records Review. Risk Manag Healthc Policy. 2022;15:703-711. doi:10.2147/rmhp.S358187
10) Rukundo GZ, Wakida EK, Maling S, Kaggwa MM, et al. Knowledge, attitudes, and experiences in suicide assessment and management: a qualitative study among primary health care workers in southwestern Uganda. BMC Psychiatry. Sep 12 2022;22(1):605. doi:10.1186/s12888-022-04244-z
11) Manouchehri A, Marznaki ZH, Atim LM, Mohammadian Amiri M, Kaggwa MM. The relationship between causes of suicidal attempts in Iran and individual and social variables: a retrospective study. BMC Psychiatry. Dec 12 2022;22(1):780. doi:10.1186/s12888-022-04449-2
12) Kaggwa MM, Najjuka SM, Favina A, Griffiths MD, Mamun MA. Suicidal behaviors and associated factors among medical students in Africa: A systematic review and meta-analysis. Journal of Affective Disorders Reports. 2022/12/09/ 2022:100456. doi:10.1016/j.jadr.2022.100456
13) Al-Mamun, F., Kaggwa, M.M., Hosen, I. et al. Suicide related to the COVID-19 pandemic in India: A systematic review. Discov Psychol 3, 2 (2023). https://doi.org/10.1007/s44202-022-00063-1
- University student’s mental health
Following my experience as a student and seeing many of my colleagues face vast challenges in their pursuit of knowledge. I investigated various aspects of university students’ mental health to find solutions to an ever-growing problem. I have published a few peer-reviewed articles on subjects ranging from depression, burnout, behavioural addictions, and sexual risk behaviours, among others.
1) Kaggwa MM, Devine J, and Harms S. The opioid crisis fuelled by health systems: how will future physicians fare? BJPsych International, 2023, 1-3, https://doi.org/10.1192/bji.2023.12
2) Sserunkuuma, J., Kaggwa, M. M., et al. Problematic use of the internet, smartphones, and social media among medical students and relationship with depression: An exploratory study. Plos One, 18(5), e0286424. https://doi.org/10.6084/m9.figshare.22794644
3) Kajjimu J, Kaggwa MM, Bongomin F. Burnout and associated factors among medical students in a public university in Uganda: A cross-sectional study. Adv Med Educ Pract. 2021;12:63-75. doi:10.2147/amep.S287928
4) Al Mamun F, Hosen I, Misti JM, Kaggwa MM, Mamun MA. Mental Disorders of Bangladeshi Students During the COVID-19 Pandemic: A Systematic Review. Psychology research and behavior management. 2021;14:645-654. doi:10.2147/PRBM.S315961
5) Najjuka SM, Checkwech G, Olum R, Ashaba S, Kaggwa MM. Depression, anxiety, and stress among Ugandan university students during the COVID-19 lockdown: an online survey. Afr Health Sci. Dec 2021;21(4):1533-1543. doi:10.4314/ahs.v21i4.6
6) Kaggwa MM, Kajjimu J, Sserunkuma J, et al. Prevalence of burnout among university students in low- and middle-income countries: A systematic review and meta-analysis. PLoS One. 2021;16(8):e0256402. doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0256402
7) Kaggwa MM, Arinaitwe I, Nduhuura E, et al. Prevalence and Factors Associated With Depression and Suicidal Ideation During the COVID-19 Pandemic Among University Students in Uganda: A Cross-Sectional Study. Front Psychiatry. 2022;13:842466. doi:10.3389/fpsyt.2022.842466
8) Kihumuro RB, Kaggwa MM, Kintu TM, et al. Knowledge, attitude and perceptions of medical students towards mental health in a university in Uganda. BMC Med Educ. Oct 20 2022;22(1):730. doi:10.1186/s12909-022-03774-0
9) Kihumuro RB, Kaggwa MM, Nakandi RM, et al. Perspectives on mental health services for medical students at a Ugandan medical school. BMC Med Educ. Oct 25 2022;22(1):734. doi:10.1186/s12909-022-03815-8
10) Kaggwa MM, Muwanguzi M, Najjuka SM, et al. Risky sexual behaviours among Ugandan university students: A pilot study exploring the role of adverse childhood experiences, substance use history, and family environment. PLoS One. 2022;17(11):e0277129. doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0277129
11) Muwanguzi, M., Kaggwa, MM., et al. Exploring adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) among Ugandan university students: its associations with academic performance, depression, and suicidal ideations. BMC Psychology, 2023/01/13.
- Influence of family caregivers and peer influence on patient’s mental health
From the unique perspective of using caregivers in caring for mental health patients in Mbarara Regional Referral Hospital. I embarked on understanding their roles, burdens, and significance in patients’ recovery. I continued to explore this in different populations, such as those involved in the criminal justice system. In this adventurous journey, I published a few peer-reviewed articles.
1) Kaggwa, M.M, Olagunju, A.T, Prat, S, Harms, S, and Chaimowitz, G. Peer support mental health teams in correctional settings in Uganda. Lancet Psychiatry, January 2023. https://doi.org/10.1016/S2215-0366(22)00431-X.
2) Kaggwa MM, Najjuka MS, Kesande C, et al. Length of stay of hospitalized patients at tertiary psychiatry facilities in Uganda: the role of caregiver’s presence. Discover Mental Health. 022/07/04 2022;2(1):15. doi:10.1007/s44192-022-00018-x
3) Kaggwa, M.M, Najjuka SM, Mamun, MA, Griffiths, MD, Nyemara, N, and Ashaba, S. Involvement and burden of informal caregivers of patients with mental illness: the mediating role of affiliated stigma. BMC Psychiatry. January 2023. http://dx.doi.org/10.1186/s12888-023-04553-x
4) Nuwamanya S, Nkola R, Najjuka SM, et al. Kaggwa MM. Depression in Ugandan caregivers of cancer patients: The role of coping strategies and social support. Psychooncology. Oct 26 2022;doi:10.1002/pon.6057
5) Najjuka SM, Iradukunda A, Kaggwa MM, et. Al., The caring experiences of family caregivers for patients with advanced cancer in Uganda: A qualitative study. Plos One, October 2023.
- Mental healthcare and psychiatry epidemiology in Uganda
I have also contributed to understanding Uganda’s mental healthcare system through written commentaries, perspectives, reviews, and primary research.
1) Kaggwa MM, Harms S, Mamum M, A. Mental health in Uganda. Lancet Psychiatry; 2022. Oct;9(10):766-767. doi: 10.1016/S2215-0366(22)00305-4.
2) Kaggwa MM, Najjuka SM, Bongomin F, Mamun MA, Griffiths MD. Prevalence of depression in Uganda: A systematic review and meta-analysis. PLoS One. 2022;17(10):e0276552. doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0276552
3) Abaatyo J, Kaggwa MM, Favina A, and Olagunju AT. Readmission and associated clinical factors among individuals admitted with bipolar affective disorder at a psychiatry facility in Uganda. BMC Psychiatry, 23, 474 (2023). https://doi.org/10.1186/s12888-023-04960-0
4) Abaatyo, J., Favina, A. & Kaggwa, M.M. Absconding among admitted patients with bipolar affective disorder diagnosis in Uganda. BMC Psychiatry 23, 318 (2023).
5) Anyayo L, Ashaba S, Kaggwa MM, Maling S, Nakimuli-Mpungu E. Health-related quality of life among patients with bipolar disorder in rural southwestern Uganda: a hospital-based cross-sectional study. Health and Quality of Life Outcomes. 2021/03/10 2021;19(1):84. doi:10.1186/s12955-021-01729-5
6) Kaggwa MM, Namatanzi B, Kule M, et al. Depression in Ugandan Rural Women Involved in a Money Saving Group: The Role of Spouse’s Unemployment, Extramarital Relationship, and Substance Use. Int J Womens Health. 2021;13:869-878. doi:10.2147/ijwh.S323636
7) Kaggwa MM, Acai A, Rukundo GZ, Harms S, Ashaba S. Patients’ perspectives on the experience of absconding from a psychiatric hospital: a qualitative study. BMC Psychiatry. 2021/07/26 2021;21(1):371. doi:10.1186/s12888-021-03382-0
8) Kaggwa MM, Najjuka SM, Harms S, Ashaba S. Mortality Among Patients Admitted in a Psychiatric Facility: A Single-Centre Review. Clinical Audit. 2021 2021-06-17 2021;13:21-28. doi:10.2147/CA.S308757
9) Kaggwa MM, Nkola R, Najjuka SM, Bongomin F, Ashaba S, Mamun MA. Extrapyramidal Side Effects in a Patient with Alcohol Withdrawal Symptoms: A Reflection of Quality of the Mental Health Care System. Risk Manag Healthc Policy. 2021;14:2789-2795. doi:10.2147/rmhp.S314451
You can view some of my scholastic work from the following
eRA COMMONS: ORCID ID: https://orcid.org/0000-0002-4733-154X
Scopus Author ID: https://www.scopus.com/authid/detail.uri?authorId=57221518864
Researchgate ID: https://www.researchgate.net/profile/Mark-Kaggwa
Loop profile: https://loop.frontiersin.org/people/926359/overview
Semantic Scholar Link: https://www.semanticscholar.org/author/Mark-Mohan-Kaggwa/2046806840
Google scholar: https://scholar.google.com/citations?user=pPNqr_AAAAAJ&hl=en
My reply:
Hi, I hope this message finds you well. My name is Cesar Guedez, a psychologist trained in cognitive behavioral therapy.
Relationships are naturally complicated, as they involve establishing a balance of power, respect and intimacy between two people with different personalities and attitudes. Therefore, it is completely common that even in healthy couple relationships, arguments and disagreements occur.
Anxiety is a problem that can generate short, medium and long term problems in people’s lives. In addition to causing unpleasant physical and emotional symptoms, anxiety can deteriorate work and academic performance, people’s self-esteem and their interpersonal relationships.
Therefore, having a relationship with a person with anxiety, while possible, has its specific complications. Studies have shown that couples in which at least one partner has a chronic, diagnosed anxiety problem face extra difficulties in their relationship (1).
Anxiety can take hold of people and cause them to act inappropriately. Even if it is not a justification for their actions, it is common for people with anxiety to react in an irritable manner to others, pointing at them as being to blame for all their problems, regardless of whether they are or not.
If you’re reading this, you’re probably dealing with this problem in your relationship. Every time he experiences an episode of anxiety he blames you, pointing to you as the only person responsible for his anxiety. This is a problem for both you and your partner; on the one hand, it makes you feel bad and vulnerable, and on the other hand, it keeps your partner thinking that other people are responsible for his anxiety problems.
Therefore, you need to start acting on what you want to change in your relationship. To do this, I will show you some coping strategies for anxiety that you can teach your partner, and communication strategies that will allow you to cope with this problem of your partner’s guilt towards you.
Even if you are currently feeling overwhelmed, there is a solution to this. Through strategies and professional help, you can find ways to make the right decisions that put you first and bring you the greatest long-term benefits.
Why does your partner blame you for his or her anxiety?
There are several reasons why your partner could be blaming you for your anxiety, however, it is worth noting that no reason is justification for humiliating, mistreating or assaulting a partner. If your partner with anxiety constantly makes you feel bad on an emotional level when he blames you for his anxiety, it is a problem that should not be justified, and that you should confront with communication strategies. Some of the most common causes for which this problem can occur are:
Irritability
Irritability has been associated with anxiety, stress and depression in multiple investigations. This occurs because anxiety causes dysregulation of emotions, making people more reactive and prone to react aggressively to everyday situations (2). Your partner is likely to blame you for your anxiety because the same anxiety makes him or her feel irritable and sensitive. Any little thing can be a trigger for an aggressive or rude attitude when people are irritable.
Anxiety in everyday life
One problem with anxiety is that people often believe that it is associated with a single aspect of their life. In reality, in most cases, anxiety is multi-causal. Possibly your partner is dealing with work anxiety, academic anxiety in their family relationships, or personal issues with their identity and self-esteem. Blaming one specific person for their anxiety is an easy way out of confronting the fact that there are several aspects of their life that are causing them anxiety.
Relationship problems
You need to do some self-observation of your relationship. While there is no justification for your partner to treat you in an irritable manner by blaming you for your anxiety, it is helpful to reflect on the problems in your relationship, noting which situations might make your partner feel more tense and anxious.
What can you do?
First of all, it is important to understand that no matter how much you love your partner, you must make yourself your own priority. You cannot help the people you love if you feel bad about yourself. Therefore, you must stop to observe whether your partner’s anxiety, and his tendency to blame you for his anxiety, has had a negative effect on your life. Some coping strategies to help yourself and your partner deal with this situation are:
Breathing exercises
When a person experiences an anxiety attack their entire body goes out of control. Therefore, breathing exercises that help relieve the feeling of anxiety are useful. You can help your partner practice breathing exercises when he has anxiety by serving as a model for him to imitate.
Ask him first if he wants physical contact. If so, hold his hands. Close your eyes and inhale slowly for 4 seconds, then exhale slowly for 4 seconds. Keep a slow rhythm. Notice that your partner is doing the same. Practicing this exercise for 5 to 10 minutes a day is quite helpful in combating anxiety, and will teach your partner to do it when he or she is on his or her own.
Effective communication
You need to talk to your partner about this problem in an assertive way. Approach him or her and tell him or her how you have been feeling recently about his or her tendency to blame you for his or her anxiety, and how you consider that to be a problem because it makes you feel bad.
Being honest with your emotions is a key step in ameliorating relationship problems, regardless of your partner’s response to it. This will allow you to express the problems you are going through by indicating where improvement is needed.
Set boundaries
Relationships should be based on respect, and when there is constant blaming of one partner for all the problems that occur, you lose that respect in the relationship. Therefore, you need to stand firm, communicating to your partner the things that you will not allow to continue to happen.
This can be difficult as you probably think that you should be there to support your partner unconditionally in his or her anxiety problems. However, anxiety does not allow anyone to treat other people badly without consequences. These boundaries are healthy for your relationship, because they will guide both of you toward change.
In my experience…
The irritability of people with anxiety can be a problem for their interpersonal relationships. Even if they don’t mean to, they treat their loved ones hurtfully. However, no matter how much love you have for your partner, it’s not something you should allow. Anxiety does not usually occur through the sole fault of one person. Therefore, by working on your relationship communication and putting yourself as a priority, you will discover which decision is best suited to deal with this problem.
Although you may be afraid to make changes in your relationship, even considering ending it, it is necessary to take the first step and start making changes in order to feel better about yourself and your relationship. With dedication and the right professional help, you will be able to make those decisions that intimidate you and generally improve your quality of life. You have the strength and ability to deal with it.
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References
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