Your question: What can I do if my child with adhd causes me anxiety?

My reply:

Hi, I hope this message finds you well. My name is Cesar Guedez, a psychologist trained in cognitive behavioral therapy. Anxiety or panic attacks are quite unpleasant, both physically and emotionally they generate significant discomfort. It is even more complicated when we have a family member with ADHD, especially a child, as it is a complex condition that is overwhelming for their caregivers.

Parenting in general is an exhaustive task. Every aspect of a child’s life must be taken care of and sometimes, no matter how much love and attention you give, there are things that can be overlooked. I can fully understand that feeling of helplessness, because in the case of children with ADHD, progress and evolution is often quite uphill, and it is frustrating to see them regress and fall back into behaviors that were thought to be overcome.

So, I start by saying to you, parent with a child with ADHD who is reading this, that no, you are not a bad parent for occasionally getting frustrated, upset, and even resenting your child. No one prepared you for this, and so you are doing what you can with the tools you have learned as you go along.

How can you help your child?

First, it is important that as a parent you become the leading expert on ADHD. One thing that helps parents with neurodivergent children is valid information about their child’s condition, provided by professionals and independently researched on the right sites. My main recommendation, only inform yourself about ADHD on recognized psychology and medical sites, nothing to listen to comments or alternative therapies that appear without foundation on social networks.

ADHD affects each child differently, in some is more prominent hyperactivity: constant need to be in motion and difficulty to sit still, in others is more predominant inattention: difficulty concentrating on daily tasks and easy distraction.

Depending on your child’s case, therapy will be focused. One of the biggest concerns of parents of children with ADHD is related to what other people say about their child, mainly in public and educational environments. Therefore, my suggestion is that you get the idea that your child’s differences do not define or limit his or her abilities.

In my experience, children with ADHD benefit from four fundamental aspects of parenting (1):

Structure

A clear pattern of how things are done you must establish rules inside and outside the house, and set out the consequences of breaking them.

Consistency

Keeping information and expectations the same over time.

Routines

Regular sequence of activities. Setting times for eating, watching TV, showering and other daily activities allows your child with ADHD to understand the value of rules and structure in their day-to-day life.

Rapport

Relationship and understanding between you and the child. Basically, it’s about being empathetic, and understanding your child’s difficulties in adapting to external demands.

How can you help yourself?

It is important to remember to put yourself first so that your children can be well. Often parents displace their needs and repress the daily anxiety and stress of parenthood to support their children. 

It’s often an ordeal being the parent or carer of a child with ADHD. It can be exhausting, frustrating, embarrassing and depressing. Remember that you are not alone and what you are feeling is normal.

Ask for help from mental health professionals, particularly if you are feeling depressed, frustrated or exhausted. Helping yourself feel less stressed will benefit your child as well.

In my experience…

It is important that you never neglect your physical and mental health as a parent, as you have to be well to be there to support your child with ADHD. Exercising, practicing yoga or a sport helps you not only to train your body and clear your mind, but also to find spaces and people not related to your daily life. Socializing always allows us to better understand ourselves and free ourselves from routine.

Remember that you have the ability to improve your psychological state, even if during moments of anxiety or depression you feel hopeless. You can always make small changes that will pay off in the long run. The fact that you are contacting me to seek professional attention is already a step, and I recognize and applaud you for that. Apply the techniques at your own pace and I am confident that you will gradually improve. It was a pleasure to write to you.

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