Wife’s past bothers me: 7 Steps you can take 

In this blog we will discuss a few steps that you can take if your wife’s past bothers you.

We will also seek to understand why this actually happens.

Wife’s past bothers me: 7 Steps you can take 

Counseling is Key to a Healthy Marr... x
Counseling is Key to a Healthy Marriage

In brief, if your wife’s romantic and sexual past is bothering you, here some steps that you can take to cope:

  • Don’t hold it over her head
  • Evaluate your personal values and beliefs
  • Focus on who your wife is in the present
  • Understand that your wife is also an individual 
  • Talk about it to your wife
  • Consider therapy
  • Make a decision

It is a common expeirnce that partners often go through upon realising that their partner- wife- has had a past before them; be it romantic or sexual. 

It is also quite normal that they struggle with this realisation that they were not the only person in their wife’s life and this can cause a lot of distrust and conflict in the relationship. 

If you find that your wife’s past is bothering you and causing much distress to the realtionship, here are 7 steps that you can take to work through it. 

Don’t hold it over her head

If you want the conflicts to stop and the distress to go away, you can make it go away. 

You have to power to simply stop holding this over her head meaning that you need not carry out this baggage every single time you see her or you are intimate with her. 

This means that you stop asking her questions, you stop punishing her- directly or indirectly- because of her past. 

To do this, you have to be mindful about your thoughts and your feelings as well as your behavior and to be mindful is to stop making assumptions. 

Be careful with how much this little truth about her past is impacting th eway you treat her and how you see her at present. 

While it might be difficult to stop thinking about it, you have to understand that no matte rhow much you think over it or try to find out more about it- it will not help you at all. 

The more you know, the less you might be inclined to feel okay with it. So the best thing you can do about it is to stop behaving based on this little revelation of your life’s past. 

Evaluate your personal values and beliefs

The next thing that you need to do is to sit yourself down and evalaute your values and beliefs about relationships and partnerships. 

In some cases, you might be a stong believer in chastity before marriage or you might be soeone who is a stong believer in a one time love kind of realtionship. 

Ask yourself if these values hold meaning to you and how much of an importance it is when it comes to your own realitonship. 

There is nothing wrong in having strong beliefs about chastity however, it is unhealthy to judge your wife based on the beliefs that you have because these are not the same truths she lives by. 

So evaluate these beliefs that you hold and understand that her beliefs might be different and as a partner you also need to be mindful and respectful of her own values as well. 

However, this does not mean that you disregard your own values. So take some time to think over this before you make any decions.

Reflect on your own past as well- whether you have been with other partners or whether you have been in love with someone other than your wife- chances are that you have. 

So ask yourself what precedence does her life expeirnces have over your own and how much of the past is going to impact your present and future.

Focus on who your wife is in the present

Now, it is important that you are mindful of the present and not stuck in the past. What ever your context is when you found about about this situation, what matters is who your wife is in the present. 

If you are able to take a step back and objectively seek to understand how much of a posite  influence your wife has been to you and the imapct she has had in your life, do it. 

There must be a reason as to why you married her in the first place and it is most proabbly the same reason why you are with her now.

You have to understand that your wife’s past does not define her- she must have grown into a nother person over the years since she met you.

No one is perfect, not your life and not even you. This means that what matters is your perspective. 

It is most proable that your wife doesn’t even bother to remeber the people she has been with at this point- considering that she loves you enough to marry you. 

You have to understand that your hold on the past is something only you are doing and it is costing you your peace of mind. So, focus on what is present- who your wife is now and how much she loves you.

Understand that your wife is also an individual 

Another important thing that you must do is to take time to understand that your life is a sperate indivdidual and an entity of her own. 

This means that she had a life before you just like you had a life before her. Because she is an indivdidual person with her own life, her own expeirnces, and various other aspects of her that makes her human- you can’t expect her to fit your perfect mold. 

The possibility that you are the perfect partner that she ever dreamed of is unlikely, you might also have some characterisits that she doesn;t really agree with however, she has chosen to look past that and love you still. 

So, take into account that just because you bhave certain values about life, love, and sex, does not mean that she needs to abide by it- she has her own values about the same.

So if you want to build a healthy realtionship with your life, start by ackneldging the fact that your wife and you are two seperate people and that acceptance of these differences is key to a happy and healthy marrage. 

Talk about it to your wife

After you have taken the time to work out your own thoughts and feelings, the next thing you can do is to talk to your wife about it. 

Make proper time for it, block otu your calender if need be, and sit down with them to have an honest conversation about it. 

Now, you have to rememeber that this conversation is not to crucify her for her past but rather to talk about how you feel. 

Yes, talk about your feelings. 

While it might be confusing at first and a little awkward to talk about how you feel- rather than just expressing your nager and frustration- it is something that must be done if you want to continue this marriage. 

Talk to them about the shock you felt, the sense of betrayal, the hurt, and whatever feelings you might be dealing with. 

Let them know that you want to work through this somehow but you do not know how to do it yourself or that you need some support from them. 

Remeebr, thsi consversation is not about digging in to the past or blaming her for her past but rather it is about connecting with each other, empathising, and working against a common problem. 

What is the problem you might ask? The differences in values. 

Consider therapy

Now, if you have tried everything on this list and still find it hard to deal with the fact that your wife has a past- the problem is not her past, it has something to do with you.

It could be your inability to accept this change of thought or it could simply be because you are insecure. 

Whatever, the reason might be, if you are unable to work through it with your wife, get in tocuh with a therapist. 

Working through hthese emotions, these insecurites could eb exactly what you need instead.

Talking to a therapist does not mean that you have failed to work through a problem, it simply means that you need a littel help to gain a wider persepctive as to why you are struggling to move past this challnege. 

Make a decision

If you do not want to talk to a therapist, make a decison- either you commit to the realtionship and accept your wife comepltely or you let her go. 

You are not doing her any favors by holding these feelings and thoughts over the marraige nor are you helping yourself by being with her when your values are urging you otherwise.

Differences in attitudes and values can be worked at and if you are refusing to do so or if your wife is refusing to work through these issues with you, the conflicts will eventually get worse and you will be forced to seperate. 

So, decide what you want to do before it grows toxic- you can either work with her in couples therapy to develop acceptance and trust, or you can untie yourself from this marriage.

Conclusion

In this blog we will discuss a few steps that you can take if your wife’s past bothers you.

We will also seek to understand why this actually happens.

FAQ related to wife’s past bothers me

Why does my partners past bother me so much?

Your partner’s past bothers you because you are jealous and a lot of this retroactive jealousy boils down to one;s own lack of confidence with your own self. 

It could be that you are insecure about your realtionship because you are insecure about yourself as a partner to them. 

Why am I so bothered about my girlfriend’s past?

If you’re struggling with your girlfriend’s past even if she is loyal and devoted in the present, it could be that you are insecure about your realtionship because you are insecure about yourself as a partner to them. 

Should your partner’s past matter?

The short answer is yes, it is important to talk to your partner about their past and who they were before you met them.

Taking about it does not mean you hold it over their heads, rather it means learning about who they are now and what about their past has led them to you. 

References

Zachary Stockill. Wife’s Past Killing You? Here Are 5 Steps You Can Take Right Now. Overcoming retroactive jealousy. Retrieved on 5th April 2022. https://www.retroactivejealousy.com/wifes-past/

Jeff Billings. My Wife’s Past Bothers Me Like Hell. Retrieved on 5th April 2022. https://www.retroactivejealousycrusher.com/my-wifes-past-bothers-me/

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