Why is my partner always bringing up the past?
By
OptimistMinds
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Author bio
The Optimistminds editorial team is made up of psychologists, psychiatrists and mental health professionals. Each article is written by a team member with exposure to and experience in the subject matter. The article then gets reviewed by a more senior editorial member. This is someone with extensive knowledge of the subject matter and highly cited published material.
When your partner is always bringing up the past, it’s a sign that your relationship isn’t moving forward. There is definitely a hurdle that you haven’t gotten over, and it’s proving to cost you your mental peace and your relationship.
In this article we will be looking at what it means if your partner is constantly bringing up the past. How can you resolve this ? What are the steps you need to take individually?
Here are the topics we will be looking at closely:
- Why is my partner always bringing up the past?
- How can I resolve this?
- What can I do to rebuild my relationship?
Why is my partner always bringing up the past?
Your partner is always bringing up the past probably because of the following reasons:
- They are still hurt from a past fight
- They’ve left things unsaid
- They have issues from the past
- You crossed a boundary
- They are having regrets
- They are having doubts
- They are sabotaging the relationship
Your partner is still hurt from a past fight
It’s possible that you’ve had a really bad fight with your partner in the past that they are still not over. This might be because of the words that were said, the lines it crossed, feelings that were hurt and so on.
Sometimes an apology isn’t enough. This doesn’t necessarily mean that they have ego, and are expecting you to beg but they probably felt very disrespected. And your apology needs to be as big as your disrespect was.
If you have an idea about what disturbed your partner to such an extent, speak to them about it? Ask them to let you know if they haven’t been able to let it go. Sometimes we move on way too quickly from a rather serious fight. And there are residual feelings.
They’ve left things unsaid
This is usually a consequence of not resolving feelings from the past. People tend to just get tired of the entire argument or fight and block themselves out after a point.
This can be done because they’re so drained out and they don’t have anything more to say, or it can be simply because they want to avoid adding onto the fight.
By trying to stop themselves from hurting you or saying something that will keep the fight going they just stop talking. This often leads to a build up of resentment. They probably feel like they didn’t get a say.
It’s easy to think that this is their problem, and they need to solve it, but if you really want this to work, then you’d also have to take the initiative to solve it.
They have issues from the past
They have a serious set of problems not from your relationship but probably their own past. These issues could have been triggered while they’ve been spending time with you.
It’s not possible to know what these issues are if the relationship is new. It could be possible if they’ve opened up about a certain traumatic past that they’ve gone through.
Try to look back and see if they’re connecting their present to a traumatic relationship in the past. This would mean they need support, space and time. If it’s rather serious than therapy is also advised.
You crossed a boundary
Pay attention to the one thing your partner constantly brings up from the past. If it’s something you’ve said or done, then this is probably a boundary that you’ve crossed, intentionally or unintentionally.
Boundaries are set in place for a number of reasons. It could have come into place after a traumatic event or relationship. It could be a coping mechanism, it could have been something they’ve grown up with. The possibilities and reasons are endless.
That’s why it is even more important to understand what the boundaries your partner has and to work around them. If you’ve crossed a boundary it might have felt like disrespect for them. Or that they were being taken for granted.
They are having regrets
They’ve been having regrets related to something they did in the past , or that has happened in your relationship. Maybe at that time they thought it was okay, but now they realise they aren’t comfortable with something that happened.
They can have regrets for letting go of a fight, or for settling , compromising on something , or a certain issue. It most likely is that they compromised on a certain something that they feel they shouldn’t have done.
They are having doubts
Due to the above reasons they might be having doubts about the relationship or what they want from their partner. They’re probably trying to understand if they’re going on the right part and so on.
If this is the case and you feel so, it can be beneficial to speak about how you’re feeling firstly. Don’t try to ask them where they’re at, it might be difficult for them to express. So start by speaking about where you stand and what you’d like to improve.
They are sabotaging the relationship
This isn’t as bad as it sounds. In the sense they probably aren’t doing this intentionally. Most individuals who have a tendency to be in chaotic relationships find it hard to accept a relationship that is healthy.
Their comfort becomes chaos, because of which they might unintentionally sabotage their healthy relationships. This could also mean they feel like they aren’t worth healthy relationships.
How can I resolve this ?
It’s going to take alot of time, talking and trusting eachother to resolve this situation. When we speak of time, it means happy neutral zones. Maybe time spent away at a park having a small picnic. Or taking dates whenever you can.
Sepnding this kind if quality time improves the nature of your relationship. Secondly, talking, if your partner is only bringing up the past and isn’t even able to tell you what’s wrong, then you can open up first. Speak about how you’re feeling, what you’d like to do about this and how you’re ready to put in the effort.
Thirdly, it’s extremely important to trust eachother throughout the whole process. Trust that you can work together and resolve this hurdle.
What can I do to rebuild my relationship?
In order to rebuild your relationship you will have to put in effort everyday. Just because you are in a relationship doesn’t mean the effort, the small random surprises, they nice texts or calls, doesn’t mean they stop.
Remember that a relationship is always a work in progress and it never stops being one. Give your relationship the time it deserves. Give your partner the attention and effort they deserve.
You can always do something to bring back the connection, to respark love and also build trust. However it is a work in progress and won’t happen overnight. You can’t be hasty as there are real feelings involved. So don’t go looking for solutions, instead focus on finding yourselves in the relationship.
Conclusion
If your partner is always bringing up the past, then that’s probably because it’s stopping them from moving forward in your relationship. This also means your relationship needs some refocusing. You need to take a close look and find out what’s going wrong, make your relationship a priority if you really want to save it.
FAQs- My partner is always bringing up the past
What does it mean when someone keeps bringing up the past?
If your someone keeps bringing up the past it means , they have a motive to embarrass you. These are intentions you cannot trust. If they keep bringing up your past mistakes then they’re probably comparing it to how far they’ve come in comparison.
Why does my partner keep bringing up my past ?
Your partner keeps bringing up the past because they might be feeling slightly insecure in the relationship,or they’re short of attention and they’re trying to regain it.
What is it called when someone uses your secrets against you?
When someone uses your secrets against you, it’s called emotional blackmail. This is a kind of manupilation where they’re using your own feelings or worries, insecurities as a way to control you and your behaviour.
What is unfair fighting?
Unfair fighting is anything said it done during a conflict that doesn’t help either of you understand or to be understood. It only adds onto the fighting rather than resolving it.
Why do girls keep bringing up the past?
Girls keep bringing up the past because, they don’t feel like they’ve been understood or even heard by the person on the opposite side.
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