Why does my partner invalidate my feelings?  

If your partner has been invalidating your feelings then it can make you feel low and rejected. Along with this it can also encourage feelings of resentment and anger towards your partner. But at the same time if you continue to stay in the relationship, It can lead to toxic traits and behaviour. 

In this article we will be understanding why your partner invalidates your feelings. We will also be looking at what you can do to communicate effectively about this, and how we can finally resolve this issue. 

Here are the topics we will be reading

  • Why does my partner invalidate my feelings?
  • How do I communicate effectively about this? 
  • What can we do to resolve the issue? 

Why does my partner invalidate my feelings?  

Your partner might be invalidating your feelings for the following reasons : 

  • They’re gaslighting you
  • They’re self-centred
  • They’re narcissistic
  • They’ve been alone for a long time 
  • They are being resentful

They’re gaslighting you 

Gaslighting is a kind of emotional manipulation that is used against you in a fight or argument, where it makes you feel guilty and your partner the victim.  

Do you happen to notice the same pattern in your partner ? In a fight or argument, say you have let them know that you didn’t like a particular behaviour of theirs , they might turn this around and make  you feel like you caused this entire situation. They probably question you in return and only reply with questions as well. They then tell you, ” When you keep saying these things I feel worthless.” 

As they begin to say such statements you probably end up feeling guilty for hurting them in such a way. Mind you, this doesn’t mean they are saying these things just with the intention to make you feel bad, but this is probably just the way they defend themselves. 

They’re probably not used to being questioned and they don’t know how to speak for themselves in any other way. They might find it difficult to communicate their feelings efficiently and this leads to them defending themselves in such a way. 

However, there are also chances that they are manipulating you to get their own way. They probably don’t like it when you’re able to be straightforward and ask them for what you deserve. They want to be in control and always have things happen their way, and this could be the reason behind gaslighting as well. 

So it would be better to speak to your partner firmly about this. You need to be assertive and let your partner know that you’re aware of what they’re doing. If they weren’t aware of this themselves then they’ll take some time but they’re eventually apologize. 

They’re self-centred

Your partner probably has a habit of only paying attention to their own feelings. They can’t think outside of that, and also aren’t able to see the other person’s perspective as well. They tend to focus on their needs and desires and work towards those things alone. 

Most people think that when someone is introverted it automatically means that they’re are selfish and self-centred, however this isn’t true. These are two completely different personality traits. 

A person who is introverted actually tends to be more self-aware due to their attention being channelised inwards within themselves , than outwards. They also tend to spend alot of time in solitary activities and get to know more about themselves in this way. 

Being self-centred means your partner views every situation from their perspective. This can also mean that they aren’t flexible enough in the relationship. By being this way then tend to disregard the way you’re feeling and push you to adjust and work towards their happiness alone. 

Being with a self- centered partner can actually make you feel pretty lonely because you aren’t a team, you might find yourself working for the betterment of the relationship all by yourself. 

They’re narcissistic

This means they usually think highly of themselves and feel as though the rest are beneath them. They believe they know better than everyone else and nothing can make them feel otherwise. 

This causes them to demean the people around them. They also tends to look for opportunities where they can boast about their abilities, their job , their paycheck and so on. You might think that to do this a person would be required to have that great a life, but that doesn’t have to be true at all. Narcissists will think highly of themselves irrespective of their status or position. 

Another thing is that they might feel that they’re treating you exactly in the right way as well. So if you tend to explain your feelings they probably don’t take it seriously because according to them they aren’t doing anything wrong.

They’ve been alone for along time 

If your partner has been alone, in the sense that , they haven’t been in a relationship for a long time, it could possibly affect the way they are in the relationship. 

Such people will definitely has bad communication. They might be too self-sufficient and in this way they can be super independent as well. This probably makes you feel like an outsider, as though you aren’t wanted around. 

Incase you do feel bad about something, they don’t seem to know how to handle the situation. It appears as though they’re invalidating your feelings and they aren’t reassuring you at all. 

They are being resentful

Some individuals just aren’t mature enough for relationships. They could be concuously invalidating your feelings because you’ve hurt them in the past, or you said something hurtful towards them.

They might be doing this to “show you how it feels.” This is actually a common understanding seen in relationships and is a sign of toxic behaviour. 

How do I communicate effectively about this? 

You can communicate effectively about this by first understanding where you stand in this entire situation. You need to be sure about the way you feel and make sure to stand up for yourself in this regard. If you approach your partner when you yourself aren’t aware of your emotions, it wouldn’t serve the purpose. In orded to be sure, try to write your feelings down. Write whatever comes to your mind , this might give you a better picture. 

After doing this you can approach your partner for a healthy conversation. When you express the way you’re feeling about their behaviour, notice if they’re listening to you and if they express the willingness to work on it. If they do, that’s a good sign. 

If in turn they try to rubbish what you’re saying, even after you’ve put in the effort to communicate effectively with them, then there’s a chance that they’re gaslighting you. 

What can we do to resolve this issue? 

Clearly explain your wants and needs from your partner and make sure they take note of this. Don’t threaten or use any sort of ultimatums and deadlines. This can make it intimidating. Try to solve this issue solely by communicating better. 

Set aside an hour in a week to check your progress. This can happen over a nice dinner or a long walk, anything that you both love to do together. 

If you feel like communicating with your partner isn’t working then it’s better to go into couples counseling. 

Conclusion

When your partner invalidates your feelings, it can make you feel hurt and dejected. This is why it’s important to understand the reason behind such behaviour and also come up with solutions together as a team. Don’t try to attack eachother instead work together.

FAQs- my partner invalidates my feelings

How do you respond when your partner invalidates your feelings?

When your partner invalidates your feelings you respond by confronting them and letting them know how you feel. 

What is emotional invalidation?

Emotional invalidation is when someone dismisses another person’s thoughts, feelings and behaviour. 

How do you know if someone invalidates your feelings?

If someone is invalidating your feelings then they most likely are ignoring you as well.

Is gaslighting invalidation emotional? 

Yes when someone is invalidating your perspective and feelings of your own reality, they are invalidating the way you feel.

Why do I still love someone who treated me badly?

You probably still love someone who treated you badly because you are attached to them and the toxic nature has caused you to feel dependent on them.

References

https://psychcentral.com/health/reasons-you-and-others-invalidate-your-emotional-experience

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