Why does my mum hit me?
By
OptimistMinds
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Author bio
The Optimistminds editorial team is made up of psychologists, psychiatrists and mental health professionals. Each article is written by a team member with exposure to and experience in the subject matter. The article then gets reviewed by a more senior editorial member. This is someone with extensive knowledge of the subject matter and highly cited published material.
In this guide, we will discuss “Why does my mum hit me”, what you can do if you are being verbally and/or physically abused, some examples, identify if your mom may be abusive, among other considerations.
Why does my mum hit me?
Your mom may have a few or as many reasons as she can think of to hit you, however, none of them are valid or acceptable for whatever reason she may think of doing it to justify herself.
Moreover, if your mom hits you by punching, kicking, slapping, pushing, or all of them, it is considered physical abuse, it shouldn’t be tolerated and shouldn’t be happening to you even if you think somehow you ‘deserve’ it.
May be you mom is an overbearing mother who likes to exhibit control over her children by acting this way.
No matter what you have done, getting hurt for it should not be the solution or the ‘punishment’ since you have the right to feel happy and safe especially because that should be the role of your parents.
If you need it to stop, try to talk to an adult such as a teacher or a relative or reach out for immediate help by contacting a helpline.
However, if you don’t feel ready to talk about the abuse and reporting it, you can always contact a counselor at ChildLine by calling 0800-111.
You can call for free, from any phone and it won’t show up on your phone bill. In addition, you can also use the counselor to chat or send an email.
Children worry why their parents beat them up for no reason. This is because it affects them emotionally and mentally.
Let’s take a look at some of the examples from theguardian.com.
Olivia, 16
“I was smacked as a child and I think it is acceptable as a last resort. Lots of my friends were smacked as children and I don’t think many of us are psychologically scarred. In fact, when we’ve had debates about it at school you usually find it’s the children who were smacked who think it shouldn’t be banned and the children who weren’t who support a ban.”
If we analyze what she is saying, we can see how being smacked is considered acceptable if your parents don’t really know what to do to make you listen or do what they told you to.
Moreover, as she stated, there are people who actually support it even if they haven’t gone through that type of physical and emotional pain, and those who have to understand it is not something ‘good’.
There is no need to go through a situation like that to understand it is not correct.
Louise, 38, full-time mother of two, aged five and three
“I have smacked my kids on the odd occasion, although I don’t do it at the point of losing control. It has been a conscious thing when a quick tap on the hand can stop a behavior pattern from getting worse. Now my children are getting older I find it easier to control them verbally and haven’t had to resort to smacking.”
Some parents don’t even consider they are doing something wrong or something that can potentially hurt their children.
However, others just know it is a breaking point and they are able to stop from escalating when they get physical with their child even if it is one time only.
Anna, 12
I don’t remember being smacked but I do remember what I felt afterward. I was really upset and went up to my room and cried for ages.
I’ve read since that if you hit and humiliate a child it just teaches him or her to hit and humiliate others. I think it should definitely be banned.
When a child experiences physical abuse, their body reacts by sending an alarm signal to their bodies or activating their ‘fight or flight’ response.
What it is even more painful after is the emotional pain, thinking about how someone that is supposed to love us and make us feel safe is capable of hitting us.
Sarah, 45, mother of two teenagers and a four year old
“I smacked my four year old yesterday and it pulled her up quickly because she was really shocked. The good thing about smacking is that it is over with quickly, although if you do it all the time it has no impact. But I’ve never bruised them or reddened the skin. If my daughter is naughty I might smack her on the hand or the back of the leg. I have smacked my youngest far less than I did the older two – perhaps I’ve become calmer. After watching the news the other day, my son said that if my husband ever smacks him he’ll call Childline. It’s too heavy-handed to bring in a no smacking policy unless the government offers parents some guidance or parenting classes.”
Hitting a child is not the solution, even if it may seem the first time. As long as the child gets the same punishment over and over even, it loses its effect.
There are plenty of options for parents to learn how to discipline their children in a positive way, ensuring a safe and happy environment without punishing unwanted behaviors appropriately and without being physical.
Is my mother abusive?
Every person can have a different store on how their relationship with their parents is or was if they have already left home.
Some of them still hold a grudge or resentment towards them if they were abusive.
Abuse is not only considered physical, such as being smacked, hit, kicked, or punched, verbal abuse is also a form of abuse and it is considered as harmful as being hit.
Think about how, if it is difficult sometimes to differentiate what is considered physical abuse, it can be even harder to know when we experience verbal abuse.
Screaming, name-calling, belittling, humiliating, swearing, making threats and even using milder/subtle methods such as gaslighting or constantly correcting, interrupting, or demeaning someone, can be considered as forms of verbal abuse.
Because a mother abuses her child by beating her, one thinks she doesn’t love you and thus, they want to know what to do if your mother doesn’t love you.
Usually and typically, verbal abuse involves a verbal interaction that can cause emotional harm.
Now, let’s think about your particular case, consider the times your mom may have been abusive. Moreover, have you been exposed to constant criticism, the use of words to try to control you, making you feel like you don’t know who you are anymore or feeling stupid, inadequate, or worthless?
If the answer is yes, you may have an abusive mother.
Remember that verbal and physical abuse has short and long-term effects that have a detrimental impact on your life.
For instance, you could be at a higher risk of developing anxiety, depression, having low self-esteem, reduced academic performance, problems with peers, and even PTSD in severe cases.
Let’s see an example.
Example of an abusive mother
The example is from thesun.co.uk, you can read the whole article here.
“I am a girl of 18 and we are having serious issues. We rarely get along. She
is a stay-home mum, never worked, and never goes out of the house. She is too
involved in my life. She has a problem with everything I do.
Today she actually hit me because my drawer wasn’t organized and looked messy.
She tells me I am a failure but what about her? She has done nothing with
her life.
She says she does what she does because she cares, but being abusive and
violence is just plain wrong. I am always nice to her, I tell her I love her
every day. I don’t know what she has against me. She will swear at me for
the littlest thing.”
Why is this blog about Why does my mum hit me important?
As we have discussed, physical or verbal abuse should not become something normal, something that “sometimes is needed” as a last resort.
We have talked about how any form of abuse can be detrimental to you and your mental health.
Having to endure frequent physical and emotional pain is not an obligation. If you feel very overwhelmed and not being able to cope anymore, make sure to talk about it with someone else.
Either a counselor at school, a teacher, or any other adult, and if you feel you can’t make sure to use any of the other options such as childline or the police.
Please feel free to leave any comments or thoughts about the content of this article!
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs) about Why does my mum hit me
Is it OK for your mom to slap you?
No, it is not OK for your mom to slap you. Any form of physical or verbal abuse should not be tolerated or considered normal.
If your mom slaps you once but she stops then it may have been a lack of emotional control.
However, if your mom slaps you most of the time or frequently, then it is recommended to ask for help through a helpline or talking to a relative about it.
What happens if you call the police on your parents?
If you call the police on your parents without a valid reason or without a reason at all.
If you feel your life is in danger or someone else’s then it is a good idea to act and ask for help from the police.
How do you help your mom when she is stressed?
You could help your mom when she is stressed by learning what are her stress signs, recommend her to take a break, remind her to breathe, and try to exercise together.
Should a mother work?
Any mother can keep working but it is her choice to keep working or give up work to stay at home.
Most people believe the concept of “good mother” translates into “giving up work to stay at home”.
When a mother is able to balance her work life and parenthood, she is able to provide an example and become a role model for her child.
Is it OK to slap your child?
It is not OK to slap your child under any circumstance.
Slapping your child can be considered physical abuse and there is no need to be violent with your child.
Babies and toddlers will only feel the pain of being hit but they won’t necessarily make a connection between their behavior and the punishment given.
References
Childline.org.uk: “ASK SAM LETTER”
Theguardian.com: ‘My mum hit me, but she was so upset she hasn’t done it since’.
Gordon, S. (2020, Jan.) How to Recognize Verbal Abuse and Bullying. Retrieved from verywellmind.com.
Thesun.co.uk: “Mum hits me and says I’m a failure … what can I do?”