Why does he keep me around if he doesn’t want a relationship?
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The Optimistminds editorial team is made up of psychologists, psychiatrists and mental health professionals. Each article is written by a team member with exposure to and experience in the subject matter. The article then gets reviewed by a more senior editorial member. This is someone with extensive knowledge of the subject matter and highly cited published material.
In this guide we will discuss why does he keep me around if he doesn’t want a relationship or best known as a “situationship” which refers to a relationship without the definition.
You may be feeling very confused because he seems to send you mixed signals that makes you think he actually wants a relationship without the commitment.
Why does he keep me around if he doesn’t want a relationship?
Wondering “why does he keep me around if he doesn’t want a relationship?” is already a bad symptom.
Let’s think about why you would want to stay in a relationship where the guy is not willing to commit to you.
Is it because deep down you think you can change his mind?
Or is it because he will (at some point) notice how amazing and special you are that he will be too afraid to lose you?
Let me tell you that it does not work that way, you can’t expect to change someone no matter how much you like them or if you are already in love, it will only bring you pain and deception.
When a guy says “I like you but I don’t want to be in a relationship right now (or never)”, believe him, he does not want a relationship, period.
Don’t be fooled by the “right now” thinking you could wait for him to change his mind tomorrow.
Moreover, you may have felt how you keep going into this vicious cycle of “I don’t want you but I need you” kind of relationship.
So, you have decided to leave him, then he finds you so irresistible and asks you to give him another chance, you give in, and then he goes about making you feel as is he doesn’t want you any more.
It hurts, it really does but what will you do then, will you stay into this type of toxic relationship or will you go after what you really want?
There are many reasons why he will decide to keep you around if he doesn’t want a relationship with you (or anyone for that matter) and we will discuss some of the most common.
- Having sex with him
If you have been having sex with him, as superficial and shallow as it might be, is a very powerful reason why he decides to keep you around.
With this, we are not saying that being intimate early on in the relationship is a bad thing or that something that started out as casual can turn into a serious relationship.
Unfortunately (the truth is) for most of us is that we tend to consider sex to be a sign that he’s really into us and got deep feelings for us.
If you are giving him great sex then he might think twice about leaving, but he will still do it eventually if he finds someone else that can give him the same thing you do.
This is why it is important to set some ground rules and clear the waters from the beginning, so neither of you waste time trying to make something grow when there is only dry land.
You can test if he only keeps you around for sex if you decide to stop having sex with him.
If he calls you at midnight or you guys are meeting at his place for some “Netflix and chill” then practice saying no and see how he reacts.
Does he seem distant or disappears for a few days just to come back asking when you will meet him again to have sex?
- He doesn’t want to feel lonely or be alone
This is one of the most common reasons due to its nature. We all want to be loved and enjoy the company of people who care for us.
However, his feelings for you may be as superficial as the tip of an Iceberg but when it comes to “not wanting to be alone” you are his first choice.
As Sonia Schwartz from ‘Her Norm’ explains, “If he’s the type of guy to always want company, whether that’s just to go to the movies or out to dinner, or maybe even for a whole weekend away, he might just be sticking around and leading you on so that he always has a partner to explore with.”
Subsequently, the idea here is not to always succumb to all his demands on how you need to be with him every time he feels alone because that would be the closest thing you’ll get out of a relationship with him.
But ask yourself about your personal needs and what you want so try asking him to meet when you want to meet (not always waiting for him to ask) and if he refuses or makes a lot of excuses then he is just keeping you around for his personal benefit.
- The “entertain me” cycle
Have you notices how he complain of feeling bored or Are you receiving the occasional “entertain me” text?
Well, he definitely keeps you around because he wants someone to “keep him busy”.
Additionally, have you noticed how if his plans with his buddies don’t follow through he turns to you to go with him?
If he actually let you then he wouldn’t have anyone to hang out with when his plans are frustrated, even though he doesn’t really have any romantic interest.
- He doesn’t want to commit but wants you to be “exclusive”
Men are territorial beings, and he most likely consider that you are their property and don’t want anyone else spends time with you or being with you.
However, you do not belong to him, remind yourself that and you are not his toy to play with and then leave behind when he is done.
If he was already clear on how he is not looking for a serious relationship and you accepted his terms then you can’t complain.
But if he hasn’t been honest, keeps making promises on a future together but nothing seems to change then he doesn’t actually deserve you closing yourself to meet other people or being exclusive when it is clear he is playing with you.
Try showing him you have kept your options open and see how he reacts.
- Doesn’t involve in arguments/avoids drama and having “the conversation”
Have you noticed how he avoids drama, any type of argument or having “the conversation”?
If you answered YES, then he just doesn’t want to commit to you and have to deal with the drama of a potential breakup (not dealing with the repercussions at all).
In addition, it is also possible that the reason he doesn’t want to commit is because he doesn’t want things becoming awkward if you work together or study together or see each other frequently due to special circumstances.
If you feel like the relationship is on a “limbo” status and you need to define whether you stay or go then clear things up and be prepared for his answer.
- He throws the “It’s not you, It’s me” excuse
We all know how it goes. When a guy wants to break up with you and avoid making you feel guilty or hurt because things didn’t evolve then he will say “Baby, it is not you, it’s me” and he is totally right, there is nothing wrong with you, it is him.
He probably doesn’t know what he wants or found someone new to spend his time with.
However, as Sonya Schwartz from ‘Her Norm’ explains you need to “Make sure he knows that you’re strong and that you can handle anything he has to say.
Educate him on the benefits of being honest, rather than allowing him to linger in a lie just to keep you both in a naive bliss.”
- You started as friends, and he doesn’t want to lose you
Let’s picture the following situation.
You both started as friends, had so much fun together, trusted each other and then at some point things changed.
You started to have sex with him, spending more time and getting emotionally involved.
Now he decides all of a sudden (a total shock to you) that he just wants to be friends and that he loves you so much he doesn’t want to lose you so “friends?”.
My advice to you is to say no, why? Because you may be already too emotionally involved and eveytime he feels like having you then you won’t have the will to say no to him (if you do then, congratulations, that’s one of the hardest things to do):
- Things go from hot to cold quickly
If things become too intense, hot and heavy at a given moment and then suddenly he seems distant or cold (especially after having sex).
This is a clear sign he is just not really interested in investing or having a relationship with you.
This can make you feel very confused, and he keeps pushing you with his mixed signals and then pulls you back in like a magnet.
We know it is not easy at all to try to Put an end to it, but deep inside you know you have to.
- He puts his dreams first
Have you noticed how he always talks about his dreams, about what he wants and what he needs but never seems to include you into his plans or his life?
This is a clear sign he is just keeping you around but without putting much effort into it.
Be selfish, put yourself first. Give yourself the respect and value that you need and end this toxic relationship.
Why is this blog about why does he keep me around if he doesn’t want a relationship important?
As we have discussed, there are many reasons why he keeps you around if he doesn’t actually want a relationship with you.
The signs and key behaviors are here, just remain observant and vigilant to spot them.
They will actually tell you how you shouldn’t keep investing in someone that is clearly not valuing you or giving back what you invest in them.
Remember, give yourself always the first place, you are the most important person in the world and eventually you will see how people will start seeing you the way you deserve.
Please feel free to leave any comments or thoughts about the content of this article!
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs) about why does he keep me around if he doesn’t want a relationship
What to do if a guy says he doesn’t want a relationship?
If a guy says he doesn’t want a relationship don’t try to convince him otherwise, you will make him run away instantly.
Instead, you have to think if he just needs more time to get to know you or if you are actually wasting your time with him.
– Figure out if the time you are willing to wait is reasonable. Even though there is no “universal” time frame, you will start seeing some red flags that will let you know if there is actually a future or not (e.g. 6 weeks or 2 months).
– If you have talked about commitment and his answer has been “I am not ready” or “I need more time” just give him some space and time and avoid talking about it for a while (respecting your time frame), this way he won’t feel pushed into a committed relationship or rush his decision.
– Avoid giving him everything he asks you or wants. If he is getting everything he wants, he won’t change. Try setting some boundaries, expectations and saying “No”.
– Make him work for it, do not make it so easy for him. Let him invest time, effort and energy in you!
How do you tell if a guy likes you but doesn’t want a relationship?
There are some signs that will allow you to tell if a guys likes you but doesn’t want a relationship:
– He tells you everything you want to hear, but he won’t actually invest or give you the things that you need.
– If he is seeing you and he really likes you but he is not that serious or committed, he won’t make plans longer than a month in advance.
– He flirts with you but doesn’t seem interested in having deeper conversations, avoiding establishing an emotional connection.
– He pulls back when there is a serious discussion about the relationship and where it is actually going.
– He tells you how much he likes you but also lets you know (with his own words) that he doesn’t want anything serious.
– Never invest more if he is not willing to invest in you.
What do you do when a guy doesn’t want you?
If a guy doesn’t want you or he has said already he does not want a relationship then do not try to do everything in your power to make him change his mind, this will only make things worse.
Most likely you are not the problem and it is not only about him not “wanting you”, it is just he doesn’t want to assume any responsibilities or invest in anyone at all (e.g. Peter pan syndrome).
The best thing you can do is walk away and stop wasting your time with someone who does not give you the respect, time and value you deserve.
What does it mean when a guy says he doesn’t want anything serious?
When he says he doesn’t want anything serious is mostly because he likes to enjoy your company or how he feels when you are around but without really investing, making an effort or committing into a serious relationship.
He is not going to be willing to connect with you at an emotional level, it is just about the physical connection.
How do you test a guy to see if he really loves you?
If a guy really loves you he most likely will:
– Respect you in every way possible.
– Have a similar way of perceiving and looking at life (share common life goals).
– He takes the time and makes an effort to spend time with you (not only when he is available), wants to get to know you and he is willing to have a committed exclusive relationship with you.
Recommended reading
- He’s Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys
- He’s Not That Interested, He’s Just Passing Time: 40 Unmistakable Behaviors of Men Who Avoid Commitment and Play Games with Women
- Ignore the Guy, Get the Guy: The Art of No Contact: A Woman’s Survival Guide to Mastering A Breakup and Taking Back Her Power
- (Not) The One
- To Have and Hate
References
Schwartz, S. (n.d.) 11 Reasons Why He Wants To Keep You Around Even Though He Doesn’t Want A Relationship. Retrieved from Hernorm.com.
Schwartz, S. (2020, Apr.) Read His Mind, Discover His Inner Blueprint, Become His Obsession. Retrieved from Hernorm.com.
Carpenter, J. (2020, Jan.) 10 Reasons He Keeps You Around when He Doesn’t Want A Relationship. Retrieved from Hackspirit.com.
Cavallo, C. (2019, Nov.) Why Does He Keep Seeing Me If He Doesn’t Want A Relationship. Retrieved from Datingadviceguru.com.
