Why am I scared of commitment? (+5 coping tips)

This article will discuss why you may be scared of commitment. Aside from that, the article will show what are the most common signs that you are scared of commitment, and how to deal with it.

Why am I scared of commitment?  

If you feel you are scared of commitment, here are the main reasons why this may be happening.

It is difficult for you to feel vulnerable 

You may be scared of commitment because getting to that point in a relationship implies that you will need to show yourself, and be vulnerable with the other person. The idea of letting someone see you for your true colors may be something that scares you, so you may want to avoid commitment as much as you can.

You are constantly thinking that there will be something better 

It has always been a problem, even more so nowadays, but you may be scared of commitment because you live in the constant illusion that there may be someone better out there than the person you are with.

Dating apps have had an even more detrimental impact on this, making people even more scared of committing. Being in an app in which the next match is just one swipe away made us all think that we don’t need to settle in a relationship, or even deal with the hardship that comes from a real, committed relationship.

Thinking that there will always be someone prettier, with whom you connect more, or even with who you have less trouble will ultimately make you discard perfectly fine relationships because you only want to commit to the perfect experience, which will never happen.

You have unreal expectations of how a relationship should be 

Going along with what was said before, you may be scared of commitment because you have in your mind a view of a relationship that is not real. You may have created a checklist for what your partner should have, for you to commit to them, but people and relationships are hardly made by filling out boxes in checklists.

Expecting someone to be perfect for you is the recipe for being alone. Dealing with the reality, and the frustrations that come from relationships will ultimately help you cope with being scared of commitment.

You think there is still a lot of time to commit 

Sometimes you may be scared of commitment because of the moment you are in your life. You may be in your 20s, and you are running away from a commitment because you think you are too young, and there is a lot of time before you need to commit to someone.

And that is okay, you shouldn’t rush it, just keep an eye open for the good connections life may throw your way.

Thinking of committing may make you feel trapped 

To some people, the mere thought of committing to others can make them feel trapped, or even as if they are being smothered. And although being committed implies that you won’t have only yourself to consider from that moment on, it doesn’t necessarily mean that you are trapped.

Matters in your past made it hard for you to commit to the present

You may also be scared of commitment because of past experiences in your life. It could have been connected to your upbringing, causing you to have deep-rooted commitment issues, or even past relationship experiences, for example, being in a relationship that you were trapped in.

What are signs that I am scared of commitment? 

When you are scared of commitment, it can change how you behave in relationships. You may make a point of not dating anyone too seriously, or for too long, so you will never need to talk about where the relationship is going.

When you are with someone, you will hardly think about building something, or making plans with them for the long hall if you are scared of commitment. And it can make you constantly question how you feel, where the relationship is going, and if you are ready, which can sometimes drain the relationship of its joy.

When you are scared of commitment it may also be difficult for you to get emotionally attached to the person you are seeing. Those may often come from the need to get closer to the other person, or even the fear of losing them. But when you are scared of commitment, likely, you won’t experience those.

And finally, when you are scared of commitment, if you realize that the person you are going out with is investing too much in the relationship, it can immediately make you feel anxious, or even trapped.

How can I cope with being scared of commitment? 

When you are scared of commitment, there may be some steps you can take. Here they are.

Look for professional help

If you are scared of commitment you may look for two types of professional help. You can look for individual therapy, in which you will be able to discuss the roots of your fear. Where it came from, how it has become a pattern, and the best strategies for you to cope with it.

But if you are in a relationship already, and your fear of committing is impacting it, you may also look for couple’s therapy. It is in that space that you and your partner will be able to discuss how your fear is impacting the relationship, and how the two of you can cope with it together.

Keep communication flowing

When you are scared of commitment but are dating someone, it may be important to keep clear to everyone where you stand. It will not only make it easier for you since you won’t need to get anxious as the other person tries to get too close, but the other person will also know what to expect from this relationship, so they can put the proper energy into it.

Try to commit slowly

If you have decided to not let your fear take control of you, it may be important for you to take small steps toward committing to the person you are with. Spending the night together, and making plans for the next date, all of those are little ways you can begin to commit to them.

With time, as the relationship grows, you may take bigger steps towards committing. Planning trips together, talking about the future, and at some point even talking about moving in together are all steps taken towards committing to someone.

Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ): Why am I scared of commitment? 

How can I learn to commit?

If you want to commit to something, the first thing you should do is close the door on the other choices. As long as you believe there are other possibilities, it may be harder to commit to where you are at. After that, you should focus on committing fully to the situation. Put your heart into it.

Knowing why you are committing to this person, or situation is what will allow you to maintain your focus. It doesn’t need to be a big list of reasons, but rather one that shows why you choose this deeply. And if you feel that it has been hard for you to commit, asking yourself what is holding you back is key. 

Committing slowly to things, and not piling on a lot can help you. But if you ever realize that there is one commitment you won’t be able to keep, it is better to just take it out of your list, than keep trying something that you don’t want to be in.

Is the fear of commitment a red flag in a relationship?

Yes, fear of commitment can be a red flag in a relationship. To understand if the person you are going out with has it, you may ask them about their previous relationship experiences, and why the relationship ended. 

Someone that doesn’t have previous experiences, or that went out with people for a short period until they ended it, may be showing you that they have trouble committing. This can be a problem because you may be investing time, and energy in someone that doesn’t allow the relationship to grow.

But you should be careful in noticing if the person is working towards moving past this fear of commitment, in some cases, it may have been something they have experienced, and they are making the effort to change. And even though it may not be easy, they may be able to have a healthy relationship at some point.

What are good ways to increase the commitment in a relationship?

If you want your relationship to be more committed, it may be a good idea for the two of you to work together and get the rewards for what you have done. Making decisions together, dealing with conflict can also, and supporting each other when one of you is taking the lead can be something to make you more committed.

Aside from that, simple things such as having fun together, dealing with life’s challenges, and appreciating one another can make you more committed. Challenging each other, and learning from your mistakes are also powerful ways of being more committed.

How can I stop overthinking my relationship?

If you want to stop overthinking your relationship you should try to understand why you are overthinking, recognize your emotions, and what is triggering them. Aside from that, you can work on trusting your partner, yourself, and the relationship more. 

Sharing your thoughts with them can help you set apart what is the fantasy of overthinking, and what is the reality of it all, and work on a solution to improve it. In that, you must know what you are expecting of this relationship, and if your needs are being met.

If you realize they are, make an effort to have a more positive mindset, be present with your partner, and make sure to fill your life with things that bring you joy. Talking about how you feel with a professional, or even journaling can also help you externalize and understand how you are feeling better.

What is sarmassophobia?

Sarmassophobia is the fear a person may have of dating, and of having a relationship. 


This article discussed why you may be scared of commitment. Aside from that, it showed what are the most common signs that you feel like that, and how you can cope.

If you have any questions or comments about this article, feel free to write them in the section below.



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