What to do when your boyfriend yells at you (Tips)

In this guide, we will discuss “what to do when your boyfriend yells at you”, understand how you may be contributing to it without being aware and how to take action.

What to do when your boyfriend yells at you?

If you are wondering “What to do when your boyfriend yells at you?”  it may have happened to you not once, but several times already.

Imagine a scenario where you are going out with your boyfriend on a Friday night, he asks you to go to this nice restaurant you keep hearing about and finally agrees.

Now, you start getting ready and you think you will surprise him with that sexy and revealing dress that has been sitting in your closet for a few weeks now.

Then, he arrives and you feel like the most beautiful and sexiest woman in the world.

You are really putting an effort to surprise him, you open the door and his face drops and there is an awkward silence. You notice how his face starts turning red and his eyes about to pop out of their sockets.

Now you know he is angry, but he hasn’t said anything yet, then he starts yelling at you, calling you names and disrespecting you. 

Subsequently, your confidence drops, you feel horrible for disrespecting him, ashamed and probably guilty and thinking that all you wanted was to surprise him, but it went terribly wrong.

He keeps screaming and yelling at you asking to change your outfit. What do you do then?

Change your clothes because he demanded you to or just, so he can calm down and stops the yelling?

If you were this girlfriend, or if something similar has happened to you think for a minute what you would have reacted.

If you decide you would go and change, then you are (without really being aware of it) feeding this type of behavior and it is likely to be generalized and applied to other contexts because it is something that is working for him to demand whatever he wants from you.

Does this mean you have to agree to everything he says to keep him happy? No, you do not have to agree to everything he says or wants you to do. 

What could have I done differently?

Let’s consider the scenario we have presented but you may have thought already in many occasions where yelling could have been present.

If this is something you are not really familiar with, still we invite you to put yourself into her shoes. 

Imagine you open the door, your level of confidence is sky-high, and he reacts the same way.

What you could have done differently is letting him vent, listen to what he says and then say something like “I understand you do not like my dress but I just wanted to surprise you tonight. However, I feel really comfortable with it.” 

He will probably try to manipulate you by saying “OK, so if you do not change your dress, we are not going out.”

Again, agreeing to it and doing what he says means he has control over you, do not let him.

Instead, try to negotiate and get into an agreement being a role model on how to communicate effectively without arguing or resorting to yelling. 

When we encourage those behaviors in our partners then we lose our identity, our self-esteem and self-image are impacted negatively.

Take action as soon as possible even if you truly believe you love him, always put yourself first. 

Childhood experiences

In most cases, our behavior is molded by previous experiences either when we were just a child or previous relationships.

This means that we could have been raised in a harsh environment where we saw how our mother used to do everything our father said when he got angry and started yelling.

Fear is a powerful emotion and it is actually helpful to prevent us from being harmed or being in threatening situations. 

When someone yells at us, our brain reacts by sending a signal known as the “Fight or flight” response.

Consequently, hormones are released into our bloodstream and our muscles get ready to fight the threat, run away from it or simply freeze hoping the threat will go away on its own. 

Be aware and take action!

Without being conscious or aware, we tend to mimic our parent’s behaviours.

If you had a submissive mom and an aggressive dad, it is very likely you will adopt this type of toxic relationship with your partners.

What do you need to do? Break the cycle.

You have your own way of thinking, your own personality, you decide what to wear, what you’d like to eat and so on.

On the other hand, if he is willing to change his behavior, commit and learn to be respectful using effective communication skills then carry on, but if he keeps having the same behavioral pattern and no willingness whatsoever, then you need to think if you are willing to tolerate every single anger outburst over anything. 

In many cases we tend to make excuses for them such as “Oh he is too stressed” or “he loves me, but he just has a bad temper”.

Making excuses is a way of justifying his behavior and giving him a free pass whenever he decides to yell at you because, in the end, you will just forgive and try to forget it happened. In reality, you are allowing him to yell at you. 

Subsequently, set clear boundaries about what you are and what you are not willing to tolerate, but stand your ground.

If you are flexible with the rules then he will continue to yell at you and have full control over the relationship. 

How can I stop the cycle?

Recognizing and naming this type of behavior under the category “verbal abuse” is not easy.

The first time he yells at you, you will simply try to forgive him and make excuses to justify his behavior.

Having the ability to say “you are disrespecting me and I won’t tolerate it” or “what you just did is not OK” is the hardest thing to do.

In addition, you may be asking yourself all the time if you made a mistake and will tend to say “I am sorry” or “I didn’t mean to”, even though deep inside you know you didn’t do anything wrong.

Again, you are rewarding this type of behavior and ensuring it will happen again. 

Being aware of how it is not your fault and how you didn’t invite him to take his frustrations out on you is the first step.

It is really his choice to let anger take over him and act the way he does.

Then, just convince yourself verbal abuse doesn’t work on you and by getting mad or getting embarrassed then you are giving up control. 

If he bursts in anger again and starts yelling just say “I can understand you are angry, but we can’t communicate at this moment”, you can even ask him for a time out so you can both have a few minutes to breathe and calm down.

After this reflection time, you can resume the conversation.

If he keeps screaming at you, try to remove yourself from the situation explaining the reason why you are doing it. 

Why is this blog about “What to do when your boyfriend yells at you” important?

As discussed, there is no valid reason for your boyfriend to yell at you. It does not matter if you actually did something wrong or not, justifying and rewarding his behavior will keep the cycle going and reappearing in any other context.

Speaking up clearly about what you are willing and you are not willing to tolerate will set the boundaries and will establish the course of your relationship.

Understanding and being aware of the cycle is one of the first steps, even thinking about the pattern you are used to, to choose a partner based on previous experiences or relationships can help you to stop the cycle. 

Please feel free to comment in the comments section!

boyfriend yells at you

References 

Waterman, A. (2019, Apr.) What to Do When Your Boyfriend Yells at You. Retrieved from yourbrilliance.com

Seltzer, L.F. (2015, Aug.) Does Your Partner Have Rage Attacks? Here’s What to Do. Retrieved from Psychologytoday.com