In this guide, we will discuss “What to do if your mum doesn’t love you”, some examples of people that have identified their mum’s do not love them and how they cope. Finally, we will take a look at some tips on how to recognize a toxic parent, but you won’t necessarily have to see all of them consider you may be dealing with a toxic parent.
What to do if your mum doesn’t love you?
You may be wondering, What to do if your mom doesn’t love you. Well, first of all, it is important to understand that there is nothing wrong with you and maybe your mother is just not capable of loving due to emotional conflicts or problems she could have been carrying for quite some time now and you are just the one having to deal with the consequences.
In addition, consider how some parents show affection in some of the weirdest ways to the point they make us think they do not love us. However, it is not our place to make them change and we do not have to feel guilty for trying and not seeing any positive results. Let’s see what Lynne Joyce says in Quora.com about how she coped with this situation:
“I grieved for the mother that I should have had, accepted the womb donor that I actually had, and emotionally detached from her. I didn’t love my mother but I didn’t hate her either. She wasn’t worth that kind of intense emotion. I felt indifferent to her and while I maintained contact with her during the times that she didn’t sever contact with me (periods of years in duration that afforded blessed relief) I kept the contact to a minimum.”
Additionally, let’s see part of Darlene Ouimet’s story from emergingfrombroken.com, and how she decided to set boundaries and stop the cycle:
“When I finally drew my boundaries and made it clear to my mother that I was no longer going to accept her devaluing treatment of me, she walked away. She never called again. Oh, she played her usual manipulative tricks including telling me that I could contact her “when I have thought about it” but I quickly told her that I wasn’t up to me anymore. It was now up to her to decide if she was going to have a real relationship with me based on love, mutual respect, and equal value, OR if she was going to continue to abuse me. (An option I would no longer tolerate).”
Ideally, parents are meant to make us feel safe, loved, wanted and they are supposed to help us grow and develop but in reality, it doesn’t happen in every single case. Opposite of what many believe to be normal, some parents actually neglect abuse and abandon their children.
How to cope?
- Try to talk to a friend or someone you trust. Talking about what is happening and how we feel, can make you feel much better. However, avoid becoming emotionally dependent because they will not be there every time, and we might feel abandoned and not important enough.
- Find a counselor, therapist, school guide, or mentor. They can help you go through important life choices and teach you things your parents are not willing to. Any of the people we have mentioned can help you learn new skills and even how to cope with difficult or challenging situations going on in your life.
- Try not to overthink and compare how your mom treats your other siblings. If you are not an only child, don’t overthink your mom treating or preferring any of your other siblings.
- Try not to take it personally. Sometimes people can say hurtful things without even thinking about the pain it can cause and they are just saying them because they are angry or frustrated. However, it doesn’t mean what they are saying is true. Remind yourself your mom could be dealing with personal issues, stress, and frustration.
- Be kind to yourself! To relieve the pain you may have thought about hurting yourself, using alcohol or drugs, smoking, or even intentionally having a low performance at school. This is why it is important to nurture yourself and stay away from harmful substances.
- Forgive yourself. Thinking you have done something wrong or maybe something to upset your mom will keep feeding the idea that your mom doesn’t love you because of it and you can feel sad, worthless, and guilty. However, the truth is you may not even have the fault or be the reason why even if you become the perfect son or daughter, she may not even give you credit for it.
Do you have a toxic relationship with your mum?
Here are some of the most common signs that you might have a toxic relationship with your mother:
- She seems not to care about your feelings. Your mother may have taken care of all your physical needs but ignores the emotional ones. If you feel invisible or that your feelings are not important or your mom just ignores you completely sometimes and seems to criticize everything you do the next, then you may be having a toxic relationship.
- Does she blame you for her happiness? She may spend some time saying how she has given so much for you and your future but she couldn’t keep living her life the way she wanted because you came into her life. In addition, your mom could also comment every time she can that you need to comply with her demands because you ‘owe’ it to her.
- She doesn’t respect your boundaries and refuses to give you your independence. You may even get punished for making decisions without consulting with her first.
- She may feel the need to be in the spotlight and when you are the center of attention, she gets jealous and does anything and everything to divert it back to her.
- She is mean or cruel to you. She may call you names, make jokes about you, mock you, belittle you making you feel stupid, ugly, or worthless. In addition, she may also make fun of your friends, your beliefs, the way you dress, your dreams and aspirations in life, etc.
- Your mom wants to become your best (and only) friend but not because she really cares about what is going on with your life but to gain access and control over your life, friends, etc.
- Your mom has a lack of emotional connection, she avoids having to invest in an emotional bond, showing signs of affection such as hugs or kisses. For instance, a mum with an appropriate emotional connection most likely will care and comfort her crying child but one that doesn’t really care, will ignore the child or even yell to make them stop.
- Identify narcissistic behaviors such as being self-centered, avoid accepting their responsibility or a sense of entitlement.
- Identify if you frequently have to become the parent instead of being able to be the child, as it is expected of you. You may have to take care of cooking, cleaning, and taking care of your siblings.
Why is this blog about What to do if your mum doesn’t love you important?
As we have discussed, if you feel like your mom doesn’t love you remember you are not guilty of anything or not enough for her not to love you. She may be dealing with a lot or simply seems like it is not her priority to let you know she does love you but not in a conventional way. Moreover, if your mom is toxic and abusive, it is recommended to look for help since you should not be obliged to live under those circumstances.
Subsequently, you could try to be the perfect son or daughter, act as she expects you to, and still, things wouldn’t change so make sure you don’t hold on to the idea she will change and you expect her to do so. Remember, You are not the problem.
Please feel free to leave any comments or thoughts about the content of this article!
Side Note: I have tried and tested various products and services to help with my anxiety and depression. See my top recommendations here, as well as a full list of all products and services our team has tested for various mental health conditions and general wellness.
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs) about What to do if your mum doesn’t love you
How do you know if your mom doesn’t love you?
How can I make my mum love me again?
If there was an argument or a fight and you believe your mum doesn’t love you anymore, try to make the first move. Show your mom you care about her and tell her you love here and appreciate all the things she has done for you. Your mom won’t stop loving you if she has already shown you in the past she did love you deeply, that won’t go away.
Is it OK to not love Mother?
It is OK if you don’t love your mom, there may be several factors involved about why you feel this way, especially if you consider she hasn’t been a good mom or an absent parent.
What is a toxic mother daughter relationship?
A toxic mother-daughter relationship can present itself in many ways such as her being overly critical about everything you do, she is negligent and doesn’t really care about your achievements or the attempts you make to grow closer to her. Moreover, you can tell she always picks fights or is constantly fighting with you over everything and may make ‘jokes’ about you that can be very hurtful.
Why do mothers hate their daughters?
According to some experts, maternal jealousy can present itself in the form of emotional withdrawal, anger, or criticism. However, some mothers don’t know how to express their love towards their daughters because maybe they are replicating the way they were taught to show their love or simply think that by being soft and emotional will turn you into a weak person, not able to face the world on your own.
What we recommend for Relationship & LGBTQ issues
- If you are having relationship issues or maybe you are in an abusive relationship then relationship counselling could be your first point of call. Relationship counselling could be undertaken by just you, it does not require more than one person.
If you are dealing with LGBTQ issues then LGBTQ counselling may be a great option for you. Maybe you are confused as to your role and identity or simply need someone to speak to. LGBTQ counsellors are specially trained to assist you in this regard.
Joyce, L. (2019, Aug.) How do you cope when your mother doesn’t love you?. Retrieved from quaora.com.
Ouimet, D. (2011, Aug.) MY MOTHER DOESN’T LOVE ME AND THE PROCESS OF GRIEVING. Retrieved from emergingfrombroken.com.
Moss, G. (2015, Nov.) 6 Signs You Have A Toxic Mother. Retrieved from bustle.com.
Griffin, T. (2020, Apr.) How to Cope With Being Unloved by Your Parents. Retrieved from wikihow.com.