We just started dating and he wants a baby

In this blog post, we will approach a very sensitive topic. What to do when one of the partners is not ready to have a child? If you just started dating and he wants a baby, keep reading.

We just started dating and he wants a baby. What should I do?

Choosing to be parents with a partner is not an easy decision. In some cases we have the possibility to choose the moment in which we want to bring a living being into the world and other times, they arrive without even being fully prepared.

The point of conflict is seen, almost always, when one of the two does not want to have children and it is there that we find ourselves, in most cases (not in all) with the breakup of the couple.

There are endless reasons why he or she does not want or feel unprepared to have a child. The most common is when one of the two already had the previous experience of being a father in their previous partner or marriage, and for this reason, they do not have the intention of having another child. 

And for the other person it is a very painful moment where they begin to feel that something is missing from that bond, and that, in some way, they are missing the possibility of having a baby by continuing to firmly love their partner.

Also, other cases appear where he or she does not feel mature enough or prepared to be a parent, either because of the fear of parenting or education, because of the cost of having a child or because he does not feel completely safe to have it with the person next to you.

In addition, women sometimes feel anxious or fear their biological clock. Although nowadays the 40 of now are the 30 of before and it is not necessary to be alarmed because before the couples used to marry very young and then they had a baby. In these times we are super far from that parameter. Marriage was replaced by cohabitation and to have a child, a little more is expected. They prefer to travel, save or develop professionally.

The most complicated is that conflict in which health is involved. There are couples who find it very difficult to have children, and after several attempts not to get pregnant, the person is very worn out not only physically but also psychologically. 

Sometimes one of the two wants to keep trying because the dream to fulfil is so strong that he does not realize what is happening to the other. And we are not only referring to the woman who goes through the procedure and is the one who puts the body, but also that it is the man who feels very emotionally hurt and decides to stop the search. 

For this reason, many couples try adoption, although it is a long waiting process that also requires a high amount of patience.

The situation is very sensitive and delicate, and, above all, highly painful for those who go through it. On the one hand, because they glimpse the probability of not being able to make a transcendent personal desire, but at the same time, they are afraid of the possibility of losing the other.

When it is the woman who wants to have children and the man does not, the woman usually takes the refusal as a personal rejection, as she is not loved, and it is very difficult for her to understand that it is not a lack of love for her partner towards her, but her partner is a different person, with different projects, moments and needs.

 In these cases, the man usually has the feeling of being persistently manipulated by the woman to have the children she so desired. When the situation conversely, when it is the man who wants to have their children and they cannot have them because of the woman’s personal projects, or because of their biological age it cannot happen, the situation becomes almost invisible, given that, in the culture in which we live, the man learns to disconnect from his emotional world, hides his pain, covers his desire to be a dad. 

You should also be aware of the 10 dating tips you should follow to make your relationship work.

Things to take into account

– For those who have not yet formed a couple, and have the desire to be parents, it is recommended that once you become closer, to talk about these topics so as not to find surprises as the relationship grows.

– The false promise: this is another point to analyze, since there are many women who say that men try to postpone the chat, telling them that they do not want to have children “for now”, and they spend long years clinging to a decision that never reaches. 

You have to realize how long to wait. If we wait a reasonable time and talk about it again and the answer is always the same, chances are that the desire will not come true.

– For those who are already in the situation, we suggest listening to each other, giving yourself time to go through the moment, and not making hasty decisions. In the case of making the decision to continue with that couple, it is important to keep in mind that leaving the project of motherhood/fatherhood aside is something that will weigh on you and will recur at different times in your lives.

– It is advisable to keep in mind that for the couple to be healthy there are loves that cannot contradict each other: love for oneself (which is nourished by concretizing one’s own desires and projects) and love for the other (which is nourished by realization). of shared projects). 

Both loves have to coexist; For this reason, it is important to bear in mind that a couple in which one of their members is deferred in matters of relevance to their personal fulfilment is not usually constructive.

These are the conversations you have to have with your partner

Projects, dreams and individual medium-long term plans – But, if we are as a couple, what do you mean individual future plans? You are a couple, yes, but you are still two individuals, with your goals and your needs, and this is very important not to forget it. Talking about the goals or plans of each one enables us to fit our lives on information and real wishes of each one, thus reducing future personal and couple frustrations.

Paradoxically, what many believe, preserving the individual, empowering him, makes us win in the union. Also, the best way for your partner to support and help you in your projects is to know what they are, so … share them!

Anguishes, nerves and insecurities – This is the same as with the previous point: we usually assume that we know very well what reveals our partner or what generates anxiety.

Let’s ask, let’s not miss the opportunity to allow the other person to tell us something as intimate as insecurities, because something that a priori is negative, is actually going to strengthen our relationship: by sharing we will gain in intimacy, and what is more important We will feel listened to, supported … and that will make us love each other more.

Childhood and family: the past – How was our childhood, what were the customs at home, ideals and values of the parents … and what do we understand by family, what model do we want and what things do we not want to reproduce under any circumstances.

Why is it important to talk about this? Each one has been brought up in a different environment with different rules, norms and a relationship model, and whether we like it or not, this leaves grounds and therefore will have a certain weight in our relationship.

Your past relationships – You are going to tell me that there are things that it is better not to tell your partner about the exs, and I will agree with you. It is one thing for me to recommend you talk about your love past and quite another is for you to embark on a monologue about the life, your ex who left you and it took you three years to forget.

To know ourselves in-depth, to establish a complete image of the other, it is necessary to know the past and that includes, of course, relationships. What is wrong with talking about it if it is past? If he is with you, it is, among other things, because those relationships did not work, so, bravo for the mistakes of the past!

And speaking of mistakes, one of the benefits of talking about our previous relationships is that we can share with the other person those aspects that made us break up, those things that we do not want in a relationship, what we ourselves did and do not want to repeat.

What you like about each other – Oh, if there is one thing that we as a couple tend to take for granted, it is that the other knows what we like about him. The reality is that as far as affection is concerned, it is not enough that she knows it or I show it to her by being by her side.

Yes, we suppose that if we continue together it is because we will have to like something to the other, but what sadness has to come to this approach. What is not said is not known, much as our behaviour we believe reflects the contrary.

Talk about what you like about the other, what you fall in love with, what you did not like at the time and that now drives you crazy … 

FAQ on we just started dating and he wants a baby

In conclusions

In this blog post, we approached the following question: We just started dating and he wants a baby, what should I do?

There are endless reasons why one of the partners does not want or feel unprepared to have a child. The most common is when one of the two already had the previous experience of being a father in their previous partner or marriage, and for this reason, they do not have the intention of having another child. 

And for the other person it is a very painful moment where they begin to feel that something is missing from that bond, and that, in some way, they are missing the possibility of having a baby by continuing to firmly love their partner.

Thus, this is a discussion that you should have with your partner. Both of you should answer honestly why you want a baby so much. You also should address the outcome of this discussion.

If you have any questions or comments on the content, please let us know. 

References

psychologytoday.com 

Apa.org 

positivepsychology.com