What are the signs of a Covert Narcissist Mother? (+7 Ways to cope)

By

Author bio

Page last updated: 10/11/2022

The current detailed post will be describing the different signs of a Covert Narcissist Mother. Furthermore, we will also be explaining the various ways through which you can cope with a Covert Narcissist Mother.

What are the signs of a Covert Narcissist Mother?

The signs of a Covert Narcissist Mother have been listed as follows,

She needs to look her best all the time

The main sign of a covert narcissist mother is that she needs to look good all the time. No matter what the occasion is, even if it is a simple day spent at home, she will feel the need to put on her best clothes and be as presentable as possible.

This is pretty common between an overt narcissist mother and also a covert narcissist mother. While overt mothers may show this openly, covert mothers may be quite subtle about it and this may not be fully evident until much later.

She has to have the last word

Another main sign of a covert narcissist mother is that she has to have the last word in the conversation. If you are having an argument with her about something, she will argue in such a way that it looks like she has ended the conversation, and not you.

She has to be right every time

Of course, just like every other narcissistic person, covert narcissistic mothers have the need to be right about everything all the time. In case they are proven wrong, they may simply change their answer and make it seem as if they have never been in the wrong before.

She might separate you and your sibling

In case there is more than one child in the family, a covert narcissist mother may play one sibling against the other. By separating her children, she makes her battles smaller and easier to win. She also needs to exert less effort in controlling the family through this approach.

She takes advantage of you

She is also known to take advantage of you and make use of you in ways which only suit her in the end. Even if it means taking advantage of your looks, she will not hesitate to do so. She might use your education, your earnings, and your friends for her benefit.

She takes advantage of other people

Just as she takes advantage of you, she also takes advantage of other people. Narcissistic people have an air of entitlement about them and this applies to covert narcissist mothers as well. She makes me feel that she is entitled to all this because she is a very important person.

She cannot empathize

She also may not be great at empathizing about the way you and other people feel. Therefore, she is always under the impression that she is right about everything she does and she has not harmed anyone in the process.

She often goes silent on you

One behavior that a covert narcissist mother is known for is the silent treatment. She might give you the silent treatment or withhold her affection from you whenever she feels that you have disappointed her in some way or the other.

She puts herself first all the time

This is pretty obvious. A covert narcissist mother will always put her needs before you or anyone else for that matter. Unlike other mothers who are often selfless when it comes to their children, narcissist mothers are selfish and think about their children’s needs as secondary.

How to cope with a Covert Narcissist Mother?

It can be definitely hard to deal with a covert narcissist mother, especially if you are an only child. However, there are many ways to cope with such a parent in a manner that makes you assertive and stronger as you go. Some ways to cope with a covert narcissist mother are:

  • Accept your mother’s narcissism. The first and most important thing to do when it comes to dealing with a covert narcissist mother is to accept that she is indeed narcissistic. This can be difficult since we are often brought up to respect our parents.

But when we put them on a pedestal, it might be difficult to look at their flaws and how their behaviors have harmed us. When you accept your mother’s narcissism, it does not mean that you are approving of the behavior but shows that you are ready for healing.

  • Start calling her out for her narcissistic behaviors. As discussed in the earlier section, most narcissistic people do not realize that they are being so self-obsessed. But their narcissistic behaviors need to be pointed out often so that they start realizing this.

When you are pointing out her narcissistic behaviors, you need to be careful not to argue with her in anger. You need to point them out with an air of assertiveness and calmness at the same time to make her lean toward you and learn.

  • Stop arguing with her. If you have tried to make her understand her narcissism in the past by arguing with her, stop it. Arguing with a covert narcissistic mother has no effect on them since they have sly ways of winning the argument.

When you stop arguing with your covert narcissist mother, this does not mean that you have accepted defeat, but are putting on your mature shoes to handle the situation in a better manner. Your mother might also be surprised at your new behavior, giving you more leverage.

  • Understand why she is being narcissistic. Narcissism does not just crop up one day all of a sudden, but slowly grows. If you have a covert narcissist mother, it will help you if you try to understand why she is demonstrating these behaviors in the first place.

Gather some history about her and ask her about how she was brought up. When you understand where her narcissism is coming from, it will help you empathize with her and also be on a better platform to call her out for her behaviors.

  • Join a support group. You are not the only one who is dealing with a covert narcissistic mother. There are lots of people who are on the same boat as you. Joining a support group can help you deal with your covert narcissist mother and learn new strategies.

Another big benefit of joining a support group is that you learn new ways through which narcissism can demonstrate itself since covert narcissists are pretty subtle. If you are keen on healing, this can be a definite step for you.

  • Go to therapy. You can also try going to therapy if you have a covert narcissist mother. Whether you know it or not, having a self-obsessed parent can have very damaging effects on the children which can lead to some or the other kind of emotional trauma.

Through therapy, you get a safe space to vent and express your feelings about your mother, even if they are filled with anger and hate. You also get to learn more about self-awareness and develop new cognitive strategies to change your thought processes.

  • Move out of your home. Another way to go is to simply move out of your home if you can afford to do so. Staying under the same roof with a covert narcissist mother may not be helpful for your healing if you are really trying to grow free.

You can even try setting boundaries in communication and visits once you have fully moved out. Boundaries are important and you need to set them up as soon as possible so that there are no awkward confrontations later.

Conclusion

The current detailed post has described the different signs of a Covert Narcissist Mother. Furthermore, we have also explained the various ways through which you can cope with a Covert Narcissist Mother.

If you like this post, please leave your comments and questions in the space below.

Citations

https://open.library.ubc.ca/media/download/pdf/831/1.0053880/3

https://scholarworks.smith.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?referer=&httpsredir=1&article=2210&context=theses

https://bpded.biomedcentral.com/articles/10.1186/s40479-020-00132-8
https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/fpsyg.2021.674679/full
https://diginole.lib.fsu.edu/islandora/object/fsu:182347/datastream/PDF/download/citation.pdf4
https://www.forbes.com/sites/traversmark/2022/03/29/a-new-study-explores-the-fragile-reality-of-a-vulnerable-narcissist/
https://www.academia.edu/4691005/A_Workbook_of_Healing_for_Adult_Children_of_Covert_Narcissists
https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s12144-022-02968-5
https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0092656610001467