This blog discusses the problem “My Partner Doesn’t Want To Have Sex” and covers topics like signs that show your partner doesn’t want to have sex with you, the reason due to which this problem occurs, and what do to if your partner doesn’t want to have sex.
Why Doesn’t Your Partner Want To Have Sex?
Your partner doesn’t want to have sex with you because they might have:
- A low sex drive
- Sexual trauma in their past
- Experiencing stress in other areas of their life
- Mental health difficulties
- Physical health issues
- Energy levels
- Vaginismus (a condition that causes the muscles around the vagina to tighten when penetration is attempted) or other conditions
- Erectile dysfunction or other conditions
- Certain medications
- Busy schedules
- Fear or embarrassment
Hence, it is important to understand that what’s happening in other parts of our lives can have a significant impact on our sexual or romantic lives and can adversely affect our relationships in a lot of ways.
For some people sex is not an important part of intimacy in a relationship; they think it is possible to me intimate with someone without having sex.
However, when two people have contradictory thoughts regarding sexual needs, problems can be created in their relationship.
You must discuss your sexual needs with your partner so that you both are on the same page and are able to respect each other’s boundaries.
How Can You Resolve This Issue?
First things first, you need to talk to your partner about this.
It may seem difficult or even embarrassing to have this conversation, but talking it out is the only way to find a way forward.
Talking to them
Pick a good time when both of you are free and not distracted and pick a place where there will be no interruptions e.g. go for a walk somewhere quiet.
Talk about your expectations and how you feel currently. Also, avoid having this conversation in bed or immediately before or after having sex
Discuss what’s going on in their life
You must be aware of what is going on in your partner’s life. Ask them if they’re facing any sort of stress or anxiety or if they’re having any problems in other aspects of life, talk to them.
If you sense there’s something wrong, be there for them and support them. However, keep the conversation about sex open during this time.
You shouldn’t force them into it but make sure you voice your concerns.
Respect their boundaries
Respecting each other’s boundaries is very important in every sort of relationship. So make sure you respect their boundaries and comfort levels when it comes to sex.
Moreover, everyone has different needs when it comes to sex and what you want might not be what they want.
So you should have this conversation with them where you both discuss and understand what you both like and what you don’t like.
Try to come up with some alternatives
Again, sex is not the same thing for everyone and everyone has different expectations and ideas around what sex is.
So if they’re not comfortable with sex then maybe try some other things that they might like. There are a lot of ways of being intimate with your partner that don’t involve sex.
Find other exciting ways to build that intimacy to make your bond stronger. This could include stuff like cuddling on the couch while watching a movie.
Let them know you’re there for them
If this is something that is bothering you, it could be bothering them as well. They might also be worried about their own low sex drive and wondering what’s going on.
So make sure your partner knows that you’re there for them and help them figure it all out. Remember you both are in this together.
Speak to a professional
If the above ways don’t help, you can always seek professional help. You should consider going for counselling or couple therapy.
A therapist will help you both work through these issues and will come up with a solution that will work for both of you.
Why Doesn’t Your Partner Want To Have Sex?
Following are a few more possibilities why your partner might be avoiding sex:
Financial crunch mostly has an adverse affect on relationships. It can cause rifts in any relationship. Research shows money troubles are the too cause of a breakup
However, if these issues remain unaddressed one can develop negative feelings towards their partner, fear and anxiety, broken trust, or even a lack of sexual desire.
Tension in the relationship
If there are any unresolved conflicts in your relationship, tensions are most likely to occur. These tensions can cause problems in your relationship and then eventually in your sex life.
If your partner has cheated on you or has been unfaithful, restoring your sexual connection can be very difficult.
Trust is the building block of a relationship and it contributes significantly to the intimate connection between a couple. Once the trust is gone, it can never be recovered.
Lack of body confidence
Experts say no matter what your weight is, if you’re not confident in your skin and with your body, you won’t he able to enjoy sex as you’ll be overthinking while having sex.
A lot of medicines have side effects that include vaginal dryness or a low libido. So always consult your doctor before starting medication.
Also, focus on figuring out workarounds like using lubricants or take extra time in foreplay.
Studies suggest that men oftentimes experience post-traumatic stress-like symptoms after witnessing the birth of a child.
As a result, men are unable to engage sexually with their partner. They might not be able to look at the vaginal area in the same way due to their past trauma.
Similarly, women can also be traumatised after giving birth and also, their vaginal area may have suffered a laceration or tear which is why they might experience pain during intercourse.
People tend to not engages in sexual acts because they experience sexual pain.
There are reasons why pain strikes during intercourse and in order to get rid of it both men and women are recommended to consult treatment.
Past sexual abuse
If someone has been sexually abused in the past, they’re likely to avoid sex. So if your partner has such a history, you should suggest they take therapy.
Lack of hygiene and etiquette
Self-care is an important aspect of the sexual desire puzzle, whether you’ve been with your spouse for a few months or decades.
Couples must pay attention to dental and bodily hygiene, as well as keeping their hair trimmed, throughout the life of their relationship.
Gas, burping, watching their partner dress up for work but not while they are spending time together, and a lack of restroom privacy are all common complaints in this area.
When it comes to overcoming these issues, communication is crucial because your partner will never know what’s bothering you unless you tell him or her.
What Are The Signs That Show Your Partner Doesn’t Want Sex?
Before jumping to the solution of the problem, let’s look into some signs that show your partner doesn’t want to get intimate.
They Don’t Orgasm
A lot of times people don’t orgasm, this could be due to health issues or mental blocks. Or it could simply be because they’re feeling a bit bored.
However, if you want to make any positive changes as a couple you must ask your partner such questions.
They’re Always “Busy”
If your partner constantly starts making plans and starts avoiding you, it’s a bad sign. Anya Laeta, a somatic sex and relationship coach says, “When sex stops being fun, people get infinitely creative finding excuses to avoid it,”
Hence, start observing if you’re partner’s always busy with random stuff at the time when you usually have sex.
They Seem Checked Out
You might need to talk to them if they aren’t shifting positions, telling you what they want, or – even worse — looking off into space.
Talking about sex with your significant other will help you both figure out why they appear drained so you can work together to improve the situation.
They Stop Sex Halfway Through
Your partner’s most likely disconnected from their body if they seem distracted while having sex. Hence, it is possible that they’re not enjoying themselves.
However, in some cases people tend to take intervals during sex because they experience pain and they might not be sure on how to break it to you.
In that case, you might need to consult a doctor or stop having sex and ask if there’s anything you can do differently.
They Often Go To Bed Before You
If you both usually go to bed at different times then you shouldn’t be worried but if you’ve noticed them slinking off to bed all of a sudden then that’s a red flag that you shouldn’t ignore.
As therapist, Kimberly Hershenson says “Nighttime is, after all, often the prime time for sex.”
If this starts happening often then you must convey your concern to them and should ask if something’s wrong.
They’ve Stopped Initiating Sex
When was the last time your partner initiated sex? Have you been the one who has been putting effort lately?
This change indicates that your sex drives don’t match up. This could also mean your partner isn’t enjoying sex.
They Keep Changing The Subject
If your significant other keeps changing the topic whenever sex comes up, take note. In that case, point it out and let them know that they can share their feelings with you.
They Have Closed-Off Body Language
Body language tells a lot about the other person, especially when it comes to sex. If you notice your partner has suddenly started avoiding eye contact, you should be alarmed.
Putting their arms around you, returning a kiss, and looking into your eyes are all ways of them participating without really participating. So if they’re not doing that, they’re probably not enjoying sex.
You Aren’t Enjoying Yourself
If both partners aren’t fully involved and participate while having sex, it is likely that it won’t be fun and fun-filling.
Hence, pay attention to your feelings, if there is no sexual chemistry between the two of you, them not wanting to have sex is justified.
While you should never put your partner under pressure or make them feel bad for being uninterested, you may always point out what you’ve noticed.
They’re Avoiding Your Usual Triggers
If your partner has stopped doing all the things you like pre-sex, for instance, playing with your hair or brushing your leg, they’re probably not enjoying the sex.
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs): My Partner Doesn’t Want To Have Sex
Q1. My partner doesn’t want to have sex as often as before the pandemic, and it’s making me want to cheat. What should I do?
Firstly, neither outsourcing your sexual needs nor avoiding talking to your partner won’t solve the issue.
Hence, convey to your partner what you’ve been observing in your sex life and express how it makes you feel.
Lastly, bring new ideas to the table in regard to boosting tour intimate connection and what your partner might need.
Q2. My partner won’t have sex until marriage, but I’m very sexual. Should I have an affair to get it out of my system?
Cheating on your partner is never a good option. Instead, consider how these values of your partner could affect other aspects of your life together e.g. how you raise your children, where you live, and how much time you spend with his family.
Also, sex is not the only form of physical intimacy. There are other forms of physical intimacy as well so don’t keep secrets from your boyfriend.
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Naftulin, J. (2019). My partner won’t have sex until marriage, but I’m very sexual. Should I have an affair to get it out of my system? Retrieved from https://www.insider.com/partner-wont-have-sex-until-marriage-what-to-do-2019-10
Ashley, S. (2020). What to Do When Your Partner Doesn’t Want to be Intimate: Here Are 6 Steps, According to Experts. Retrieved from https://www.purewow.com/wellness/what-to-do-when-your-partner-doesnt-want-to-be-intimate?amphtml=true
Sinrich, J. (2021). 15 Surprising Reasons Your Partner Doesn’t Want Sex. Retrieved from https://www.thehealthy.com/sex/why-partner-doesnt-want-sex/
What to do if your partner doesn’t want to have sex. Spunout. Retrieved from https://spunout.ie/sex-relationships/relationships/partner-doesnt-want-sex
Brito, J. (2020). What Do You Do When Your Partner Doesn’t Want to Be Intimate? Retrieved from https://www.healthline.com/health/healthy-sex/why-doesnt-he-want-to-have-sex#1