My Partner Doesn’t Want Kids (Strategies you can apply)

This blog post caters to the problem “My Partner Doesn’t Want Kids” and covers topics like ways you can come to a common ground with your partner, truths you should acknowledge in such instances, and whether or not this relationship will work despite this issue.  

My Partner Doesn’t Want Kids 

If you want children but your partner does not, it can seem like an unsolvable dilemma with no solution. However, just because the problem is bad doesn’t imply you’re out of solutions. 

You may have a more fruitful talk about this deadlock by diving into both your and your partner’s motivations, trying to understand each other’s perspective, and having an open mind.

What Are The Strategies You Can Use To Negotiate This Problem?

Forgive Yourself For Not Addressing it “Sooner”

Even Though it’s better to discuss whether or not you want children before a relationship gets serious, it is ok if you weren’t able to talk about it at that time because bringing up such a topic is difficult.

This could be because it might scare away the other person or they could be emotionally or financially weak. However, it is important that you communicate everything you want to your partner even if it’s difficult. 

Blaming yourself  for waiting too long would not solve the problem so you should consider proceeding with resolving it by talking to them about it so that you move forward with a clearer head.

Get Professional Help

If you feel like it is not possible for you to resolve this issue or talk about it, therapy could be really helpful for you. However, Riemersma in one of her articles suggests that you may want to suggest it without using the word “therapy.”

The reason behind it is that due to the unfair stigmas associated with the word therapy, people tend to think it is a bad thing. So you could tell your partner that you both need support. 

Explore All Roads to Parenthood

If your partner doesn’t want to have kids of their own you both could find alternate ways in which you could resolve this issue

First off, you could opt for fostering a child. This could be a route to parenthood that you both might agree on.

If that doesn’t work out for you both, you could simply adopt a slightly older child. Lastly, you can try to convince them to compromise and you both find a common ground and have only one child instead of three or four.

Try and Parse Out Whether ‘Not Now’ Really Means ‘Never’

Your partner may not be ready to have kids in the present moment but they might change their mind and see parenthood as a possibility in the future. 

Hence, when it comes to having kids, timing is a crucial constituent. So don’t predict their “not now” as “never.” 

Consider Your Own Motivations

Before expecting your partner to have kids think about yourself first. Why do you want to have kids? Have you thought about it in depth? 

There are many assumptions that exist about having a child e.g. that the bond becomes stronger when you have a child and all the other problems in the relationship get fixed. 

So think about it thoroughly and then make a decision wisely.

Understand Your Partner’s Motivations

If your partner doesn’t want to have kids, ask them the reasons first. They might have valid concerns like finances and you might end up agreeing with them

So before jumping to conclusions, hear your partner out and then mutually decide what you both want. 

Talk To Your Doctor

Even if you and your partner are at odds, it’s critical that you take full control of your reproductive health. 

One of the first measures you should take in resolving this disagreement is to see your doctor. 

Some people may have a strong desire to carry their own child or use their own sperm. Others, though, may not. In any case, knowing this information is beneficial.

If knowing that you are unable to conceive changed your desire to become a parent, you and your spouse may prevent a lot of unnecessary conflict. 

If you don’t care about it, you should focus your discussions with your spouse on other ways to become a parent.

Truths You Should Bring To Your Consideration

Following are the consequences you might face if your partner doesn’t want kids and you choose to go on with the relationship anyway:

Look back, look ahead

Have you ever had a strong urge to avoid having children? Or, if having a brood was your dream, how would it feel to give it up now? Are you at ease making this decision, or is it causing you tension and confusion?

With this, try not to be caught up in the present. Consider your options beyond the wedding and honeymoon. How will you feel when your friends start having children? 

You may be happy for them but you also instantly might regret your own decision.

All about you

Your partner may have a million reasons why he or she does not want children and you may be able to comprehend them all. 

However, sacrificing your own happiness to keep your partner happy is a prescription for future marital strife in every scenario. 

Choosing not to have children must be based on a genuine desire to do so. Be able to articulate and list your reasons for making this decision. And watch out if your list of reasons is just a rehash of your partner’s.

No going back

If you’re still thinking about starting a family, you’re still young enough to do so. But, especially for women, that luxury has an expiration date. 

Keep in mind that people who don’t want children don’t want children. They almost never wake up ten years later, whack their foreheads, and say, “What’s more, guess what? Everything has been a massive blunder!” 

So don’t hold your breath for this to happen. You need a cold bowl of reality soup if you’re going into marriage hoping you’ll change your partner’s views. 

Can The Relationship Work If Your Partner Doesn’t Want Kids?

Couples Don’t Always Have To Agree

Knowing what’s best for you and your significant other, is not always smooth sailing. It is essential to put yourself front and into consideration while making important collective decisions. 

If one of the two wants to have children while the other is not ready just yet, unnecessary compromise should be avoided as it will hinder the growth and acceptance of both individuals. 

The key to making such an important decision is putting both the respective perspectives and their outcomes up front, and then evaluating the provisional effect of those decisions in each other’s lives.

If she wants children sooner than later, it may be best for him to be upfront and honest with his timeline. Having children immediately might make you emotionally as well as physically worn out eventually leading you to miss out on your own goals. 

At the same time waiting for the right time to have children could result in loss of interest and a discomfort between the partners. Hence, it is important to have this open communication, tendency to accept the other person’s decisions and reaching a conclusion on the basis of a thorough ground-work.

If It’s An “In The Future” Plan

Couples all around the globe make plans and have had talks on their future together at one point or another. Having a baby is almost a talking point in all future planning but what matters more is deciding when to have a baby. 

If two people are in coherence in their relationship about what time they want to have a child, the relationship will tend to grow and prosper. 

It is always important to plan on having a child because it makes both individuals ready to work for it together ultimately strengthening the bond between the two.  

This May Not Be The Person For You

More often than not, it’s not that you don’t want to have a child but it’s more about being unable to foresee having a baby with the person you are with. This does not mean that the possibility of having a child has been ruled out, but only signifies that you do not see yourself raising children with your significant other or you don’t find that in your mutual interest. 

Do What’s Best For You

As easy as it may sound, Love isn’t always smooth and dreamy, it has its highs and lows which require sheer commitment and responsibility. 

There may be times when you are not on the same page with your partner, there will be hurdles and thorns need to be dealt with caress and rationality. 

To come to a decision of having kids or not need proper understanding of both the individuals personal willingness to do so. If one does not want to have kids at all, that is absolutely okay and should be respected. 

But that does not mean that you either force yourself to believe the same way or guilt trip them to a compromising position. Two people in love, deciding for children, are capable and mature enough to make a decision on what’s best for them both individually and collectively.

Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs): My Partner Doesn’t Want Kids 

My boyfriend does not want to have children in the future. I love him, but is this enough to reconsider being boyfriends/potential partners for the future?

This issue seriously needs to be catered, having children is a huge chunk of a relationship. If your partner doesn’t want kids now he won’t suddenly change his mind and tell you one day that he’s ready.

Similarly you won’t stop wanting to have children and thinking that making a compromise would help is not a good idea as it will create bitterness from either his side or yours.

Compatibility is a very important aspect and it requires you both to be on the same page about your finances, work life balance, and family. In your case, you both clearly aren’t compatible and this could lead to major problems later in life. 

Do men change their mind about having a kid?

There’s no definite answer to your question; he may or he may not. Maybe you will end up changing yours! 

Your partner may not feel this way forever so yes there is a possibility that after spending more time with you they might start thinking differently and they might be ready to have kids. 

However, I would suggest you to keep mentioning your desire every now and then without putting pressure on him to change his mind.

References 

Drucker, A. & Editors, B. (2021). What If My Partner Doesn’t Want Kids, And I Do? Retrieved from https://www.bustle.com/wellness/what-should-you-do-if-your-partner-doesnt-want-kids-and-you-do

Diamond, A. (2019). When You Want Kids, But Your Partner Doesn’t. Retrieved from https://repeller.com/when-you-want-kids-but-your-partner-does-not/

Rodman, A. (2015). 8 Tough Truths to Consider When Your Partner Doesn’t Want Kids. Retrieved from https://www.huffpost.com/entry/8-tough-truths-to-consider-when-your-partner-doesnt-want-kids_b_6931134

McShan, A., W. (2021). She Wants Children/He Doesn’t: Can The Relationship Work? Retrieved from https://www.regain.us/advice/family/she-wants-children-he-doesnt-can-the-relationship-work/

Walsh, G. (2020). I want a baby and they don’t: what to do when your partner’s not ready to take the next step. Retrieved from https://www.goodto.com/wellbeing/relationships/what-to-do-want-baby-he-doesn-t-65121

Herman, M. (2020). My Husband Doesn’t Want Kids. How Do I Get Over This Enormous Sorrow. Retrieved from https://slate.com/human-interest/2020/03/spouse-doesnt-want-kids-care-and-feeding.html

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