My Partner Doesn’t Understand Me (How to deal with it)

This blog post will discuss the problem “My Partner Doesn’t Understand Me” and will cover topics like signs that your partner doesn’t understand you, reasons why they don’t understand you, and ways you can improve your understanding in a relationship. 

Why Doesn’t Your Partner Understand You?

Your partner probably doesn’t understand you because they don’t empathise with you or they are unable to comprehend your emotions. However, understanding between two partners doesn’t mean you have to agree with each other on everything. 

You don’t necessarily have to get or feel your significant other in order to become understanding, you can simply empathize with them, make space for them or respect what they’re feeling. 

Understanding in a relationship is very important because it builds the following aspects:

  • Connection
  • Trust
  • Respect

When people feel like they are being seen and heard by their partner, feelings of true love develop in them and their relationship becomes stronger.

What Are The Signs That Your Partner Doesn’t Understand You?

What eventually happens when understanding lacks in a relationship is that couples end up fighting and arguing. 

A study by Toni Coleman, a psychotherapist, relationship coach, and divorce mediator says, “If you don’t feel listened to, respected for your thoughts/opinions, even when you disagree, and comfortable speaking your mind — these are signs your relationship will not work out,” 

However, arguing is not just the only sign that manifests there’s no understanding between a couple. Sometimes the signs are fine-drawn and following are these signs stated and discussed: 

Your Partner Doesn’t Pick Up On Your Emotions

If your partner is unable to comprehend your emotions, problems can occur in your relationship depending on the extent of their comprehension. 

For example, your partner must understand if you’re upset or happy over something and react accordingly. 

If something bad has happened to you and it has an effect on your mental health, your partner should empathize with you and be there for you even if the problem isn’t affecting them. 

The problem doesn’t have to happen to both of you in order for them to react the way they’re supposed to. In short, your partner must be able to sense what you’re feeling and be there to support you. 

Your Partner Keeps Asking “Why?”

If your partner keeps questioning your actions and keeps asking why you’re doing what you’re doing, you must be able to identify that there’s a problem. 

Partners are supposed to back you up and give you all kinds of support when you do something on your own and not question your potential. It’s okay if they ask once in a while or just to keep themselves updated about you but not otherwise. 

They Can’t Talk About Your Relationship Or Feelings

If you face difficulties in conveying your feelings to your partner, it shows they don’t understand you. 

There could be a lot of reasons behind this; your partner may be emotionally immature, doesn’t have the ability to understand anyone’s feelings or maybe both of you are on different pages. 

Also, sometimes processing emotions and discussing them can be overwhelming for a person and that could be another reason why they block their thoughts when it comes to understanding others’ feelings. 

However, if sharing your feelings with your partner is hard for you then that’s a sign that they don’t understand.

You Feel Distance

Intimacy is very important in a relationship, you could be doing a lot of activities with your partner, laugh with them, be comfortable around them. 

But when it comes to intimacy and they’re unable to get there you feel a distance and being distant is a sign that understanding lacks between you two. 

You Obsess Over Your Differences

No two people can be exactly like each other and it is very normal to have differences with your partner but if you fixate on those differences and start creating problems, it means you both don’t have an understanding. 

You’re Not Interested In The Same Things

Compatibility is a very important aspect of  a relationship; and that can be intellectual as well as romantic. Compatibility is manifested when both partners are mentally energized by the same conversations.

You Don’t Feel Confident With Them

If you feel like yourself around your partner and if you have to become pretentious around them, there could be a possibility that you’re not being understood by them. 

You need to feel understood for a relationship to work and if you feel your relationship lacks understanding try to fix the issue by communicating it with your partner or leave them. 

This could be because of a communication gap between you both or simply because you both are on different pages and have different needs. Either way, you must find out the reason and work on it. 

What Are The Ways You Can Improve Your Understanding?

Ask For What You Want

One of the most important things in a relationship is communication and as they say “Communication is Key” so the first step to resolve this issue should be to communicate your concerns to your partner. 

Ask for what you want as it is your right and tell your partner that you want them to understand you. But that’s not enough. Tell them what you mean by “understanding” and tell them how you expect them to behave in an understanding manner. 

You and your partner may have different perceptions of understanding so it is important that you share your thought process with them and vice versa.

Listen With Curiosity Instead Of Judgement And Don’t Make It About You

Oftentimes when we have arguments or disagreements with our partners we get defensive and judgemental of what the other person is saying which eventually leads to misunderstandings and things get worse. 

Hence, one shouldn’t jump to conclusions so quickly and should hear their partner out instead of getting defensive. This could go a long way and could improve understanding between you and your significant other. 

If you expect your partner to pay attention to you and understand you, make sure you’re doing the same because to build a strong relationship expectations should be met from both sides, a relationship can never work out if efforts are one-sided. 

Lastly, you should encourage your partner to share more about their feelings and thinking and should ask curious questions in between to make them feel that they’re being heard.

Practice Empathy

Empathy is what keeps you and your partner consolidated and is an essential factor that makes a relationship stronger. Empathy gives one the ability to sense their partner’s emotions without having to feel those emotions yourself.

For instance, if your partner tells you they felt bad because of something you said but you didn’t intend to, empathy will help you understand where they’re coming from even if you disagree with them.

Learn To Listen Beyond The Words That Are Being Said

Communication includes more than what your partner is saying out loud. We often get so involved in the words that we forget the person who’s saying those words.

You must pay attention to other aspects from where your partner might be coming from during a conversation.

Try To Understand Before Trying To Be Understood

Again, understanding should go both ways so make sure that if you want your partner to understand you, you understand them too.

If you make your partner feel understood, they’ll do the same and the connection and trust of your relationship will become deeper.

However, the last resort to improve understanding with your partner should be taking couples therapy or consulting marriage coaches and even if that doesn’t work you should consider parting ways with your partner. 


This blog addressed the problem, “My Partner Doesn’t Understand Me.” We looked into the signs that your partner doesn’t understand you and then discussed the ways you can improve your understanding. 

Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs): My Partner Doesn’t Understand Me

I feel my boyfriend doesn’t understand me and I feel tortured. What should I do?

You should know your worth and if someone isn’t willing to listen to your pain, your happiness, and all other things then they’re not the right person for you. So following are the reasons why your partner behaves the way he does: 

  • You Are Not His Beloved
  • Reality And Movies Are The Same In Love
  • Do Not Love Someone Forcefully. Love Enough To Let Him Go.
  • Talk More Factually Than Emotionally
  • Don’t Let Your Self Esteem Go Low

Why doesn’t my boyfriend understand my anxiety disorder?

People usually have a hard time understanding what mental health is. This could either be because they don’t know the symptoms and causes of a mental disorder or they haven’t experienced anything similar. Hence, it is possible that your boyfriend doesn’t understand your anxiety disorder because he isn’t familiar with what an anxiety disorder is.


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Smith, S. (2021). How to Improve Understanding in a Relationship. Retrieved from

Baer, D., & Insider, T. (2016). Psychologists figured out one trait that makes relationships last. Retrieved from

Bullock, J. Love or Understanding. Retrieved from

How To Understand Your Partner Better And Deepen Your Relationship. Retrieved from