My Partner Doesn’t Listen To Me (3 solutions)

This blog discusses the statement “My Partner Doesn’t Listen To Me” and covers topics like reasons why your significant other doesn’t listen and what to do when you don’t feel heard. 

Why Doesn’t Your Partner Listen To You?

Your partner tends to not listen to you because your way of delivering what you want to say could be wrong. The way you say what you’re saying is oftentimes more important than what you’re saying. 

This could involve a harsh or argumentative tone, negativity, or passive-aggressiveness from your end. 

Healthy communication is what keeps a relationship strong and if either one of you can’t listen to the other, you may start having problems in that relationship. 

Red flags like these (your partner not listening to you) indicate that there are serious problems in your relationship and if you ignore these signs you’ll eventually face consequences of the issue. 

Dr. Susan in one of her studies states that in her clinical practice she has observed that if a person is not feeling heard in a relationship, possibilities are that they might end up with the following issues: 

• Depression
• Anxiety
• Frustration 
• Marriage Problems 

However, apart from discussing the potential outcomes of the problem let’s look into the reasons why the problem might occur. Following are the reasons discussed why your partner tends to not listen to you. 

The problems in your communication style that could be causing your partner to not listen to you are mentioned as follows: 

Too Many Words

It’s possible that you’re taking too long to express yourself. When we’re nervous or anticipating a bad reaction or dispute, we may speak more slowly than required. 

For your conversation partner, this can be frustrating or boring, and your meaning can get buried in all those words. Make it a point to get right to the point. 

A loving partner, on the other hand, should be patient enough to listen to what’s on your mind.

Monopolizing 

If you don’t give your spouse a chance to talk, they’ll probably tune out. You may mistakenly monopolise talks in your attempt to encourage them to listen. 

Both people can contribute to a good conversation. Examine how you listen to your partner while they’re talking about something essential. 

Model the kind of listening you’d like to see from your spouse, and they could just follow your lead. Giving your spouse the opportunity to speak and be heard may motivate them to do the same for you.

Hurtful Comments

Your spouse may not want to listen to you if you have a history of saying things that are cruel, insulting, intimidating, dismissive, or contemptuous of your spouse’s thoughts, beliefs, and feelings. 

They may feel guarded, defensive, angry, or out of control in these interactions if your chats swiftly escalate into tense fights. They may possibly be withdrawing from your conversations in order to avoid saying something harsh or harmful to you. 

Hence, both of you should strive to have a civil interaction in which you can express yourself without being rude to each other. 

Consider establishing ground rules that both of you can live with e.g. taking turns while speaking, not interrupting one another, setting a timeout, and never saying nasty stuff to each other. 

Ulterior Motives 

Your partner may see you as manipulative and that is why they zone out when you’re trying to communicate. Be straightforward and avoid being passive-aggressive so that your significant other doesn’t think that you’re taking advantage of them.

Lecturing

Make sure you don’t lecture your partner in order to convey your message, partners tend to ignore when they feel like they’re being lectured. 

Take an example of a kid. When they know that they’re being lectured they tend to avoid listening to their parents and repeat their problematic behaviors. 

However, being preachy will garner bitterness and irritation so avoid doing that and try to listen to them with an open heart so that they do the same.

Generalizing

Generalizations are not always fair or true and if you start generalizing stuff your partner might not listen to you as they might feel attacked or think that all you see are their faults.

Focus on the main problem within, the present moment, and things you both can change.

Poor Timing

One very simple reason could be that your timing might be off. Your partner may not be in the mood to communicate, they might be tired, stressed, or caught up with other stuff.

Make sure you talk about your concerns when the time is right. 

Bringing Up Old Baggage

What’s in the past should remain in the past. If you keep bringing up old issues it is likely that your partner will stop listening to you. If it’s an issue that needs to be resolved then have that talk and put the issue to rest. 

Excessive Negativity 

Rather than pointing fingers at them just use “I feel” statements to avoid any sort of negativity. For instance, you saying “I feel ignored when you don’t listen to me” might be more effective that saying “you never listen”

Make sure you don’t make it sound personal rather convey your feelings to them so that they also think empathetically.

Reactiveness 

Another key explanation your companion might be putting you on quiet is on the off chance that you have a past filled with excessively reactive arguments. 

They might think you attempt to provoke them or simply loathe that your discussions will in general rapidly raise from quiet conversation to contention. Not listening could be a way that they adapt or endeavor to stay away from these reactive fights.

Does Your Partner Have Their Own Personal Issues?

These are the reasons that could be causing the problem from your side. Hence, apart from these reasons, your partner still might not listen to you because of their own personal issues. 

A few instances of those reasons include: 

• They may not be keen regarding the matter you are discussing. 
• They might fear closeness. “Not tuning in” might be their method of overlooking the troublesome sentiments you need to discuss. 
• They might contradict you and additionally not have any desire to hear your recommendation, contemplations, or sentiments. 
• They might not want to hurt your feelings by letting you know what they truly think. 
• They might accept that disregarding what you say will make the issue or circumstance disappear or potentially dislike what you need to say. 
• Your partner might think it is simpler to be seen as not tuning in than to say no. 
• They might feel threatened and additionally not happy communicating their restricting perspective—and blocking out feels like a simpler choice.

What Can You Do When Your Partner Doesn’t Listen?

Dr. Doug Saunders, a clinical psychologist and a couple therapist says, “It’s not about a debate; it’s about understanding the feelings that are activated by the conversation, or lack of conversation, that’s going on.”

Hence, the three main ways you can get your partner to listen to you involve:

Talk It Out And Define “Listening” 

If you’re facing any sort of issue in a relationship you need to tell it to your partner. That’s the most basic part, if you both are not on the same page the relationship will become problematic. 

You should be able to freely tell your partner what “listening” looks like to you, whether it’s eye contact or some other physical sign. “Define what it looks like and what you want,” Mckenzie says.

Being available, and showing the activities of a present, individual, will positively help. All in all, put down your telephone, turn off the TV and give your partner your complete consideration. Both of you should be available, responsive and locked in.

Don’t Jump To Conclusions

Always keep in mind that your partner has a life of their own as well, there could be a possibility that your partner is dealing with conflicts apart from your relationship which could be the leading factor of them not paying attention. 

So instead of jumping to conclusions and ending up having arguments, try to understand them before assuming that they don’t care about you.

 

Look At Your Own Behaviour 

It’s easy to put blame on your significant other while ignoring the fact that you could be wrong too. No human being is perfect and everyone makes mistakes but the crux is to recognize those faults and work on them.

Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs): My Partner Doesn’t Listen To Me

Whenever I talk to my boyfriend he doesn’t listen to me, especially when I talk about important stuff. He is on his phone and then he cuts me off and talks about other things. I’ve told him many times and he keeps doing it! What to do now?

Always remember that there are more things in a relationship than just love. If your relationship lacks mutual respect, trust, and communication then you should step out of it. Set your boundaries and know your worth. 

You cannot teach someone to treat you right rather you show them how they cannot treat you. So talk about your problem with him and even if you don’t notice any change in his behavior leave him.

Why do I not feel heard in my relationship?

Your partner can feel overpowered by their own sentiments, driving the individual to close down or quit tuning in. This happens when there’s a low capacity to bear feelings or if the individual experienced childhood in a climate where the person was reliably overpowered by others’ sentiments.

References

Stritof, S. (2020). Why Your Spouse Doesn’t Listen. Retrieved from https://www.verywellmind.com/why-your-spouse-wont-listen-2303207

Tang, J. (2017). Feeling Tuned Out? 9 Reasons Why Men Don’t Listen. Retrieved from https://www.everydayhealth.com/emotional-health/feeling-tuned-out-9-reasons-why-men-dont-listen/

Heltler, S. (2014). Why Doesn’t She/He Listen To Me? 10 Possibilities. Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/resolution-not-conflict/201407/why-doesnt-shehe-listen-me-10-possibilities

Les, D. & Parrott, L. (2018). Driven To Distraction: What To Do When Your Spouse Doesn’t Listen. Retrieved from https://www.symbis.com/blog/driven-to-distraction-what-to-do-when-your-spouse-doesnt-listen/

Marilisa, R., G. (2018). What to do if you have a partner who doesn’t listen. Retrieved from https://globalnews.ca/news/3998315/partner-doesnt-listen/

McGraw, P. (2003). Dr. Phil’s 6 Rules of Talking and Listening. Retrieved from https://www.oprah.com/relationships/dr-phils-six-rules-of-talking-and-listening/al

Brosh, A. (2015). Listen Up: Why You Don’t Feel Heard in Your Relationship. Retrieved from https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/listen-up-why-you-dont-feel-heard-in-your-relationship-0810154