My Partner Can’t Control His Anger (5 Key tips)

Uncontrollable anger can be dangerous but there is usually more than meets the eye. In this article we are going to see why your partner can’t control his anger. 

Why can’t your partner control his anger?

Anger can be a volatile emotion and to control it may become essential, especially when it poses a threat to destroying relationships. Dig deep and you may find the answer to why your partner can’t control their anger. 

  • He is depressed
  • He is grieving 
  • He is feeling powerless
  • He has unresolved childhood issues 
  • He has been taught to suppress his anger
  • He has have had a traumatic past
  • He wants to assert their dominance
  • He feels threatened or attacked easily 
  • He is masking his pain
  • He is severely stressed out

How to deal with an angry partner?

You may not always know how to deal with an angry partner. Here are some ways that may help you. 

  • De-escalate the situation to neutralise emotions 
  • Be assertive but respectful 
  • Communicate constructively 
  • Try to understand their triggers
  • Addresses your issues when they are calm
  • Be patient and compassionate

What do you do when someone can’t control their anger?

When someone can’t control their anger, the person who is calmer in comparison can do the following things. 

  • Think before you speak
  • Express your anger when they have calmed down
  • Both partners should take a timeout
  • Identify the triggers and stay clear of them
  • Physically move away from the situation
  • Try humour to release the tension

How do you deal with someone who is always angry?

Anger is a perfectly normal emotion like any other, but if someone is always angry, here are some ways for you to deal with them.

  • Read in between the lines
  • Actually listen to what they’re saying
  • Keep calm and try to talk things through
  • Acknowledge their distress 
  • Resist the urge to give them advice
  • Give them the space they need
  • Back away and let them cool down

Anger is an intense emotion deep wired into the human psyche in response to potential threat. Not getting angry is as bad as getting angry too much and not having control over it. 

Being angry in itself is not wrong. There are plenty of reasons why a person can be annoyed. It is completely normal and usually healthy to process this emotion.

It is, however, crucial to assess one’s behaviour if the anger becomes uncontrollable. It could be an underlying issue because of other reasons and should be addressed before it takes control of the person. 

Why can’t your partner control his anger?

He is depressed

Depression manifests itself in many ways, one of them being anger. If your partner can’t control his anger it could be because he is depressed. 

People suffering from depression are more likely to experience anger and irritability. They can lack the ability to regulate emotions and ruminate on negative events longer than others might. 

Getting worked up over small issues and snapping because of minor disappointments usually means there are big problems at play here. Seeking professional help is recommended. 

He is grieving 

If your partner has lost someone close to them or even experienced loss in general, he could be grieving. Anger is one of the stages of grief, so in this case, it is understandable that your partner can’t control his anger. 

The sadness is buried for the anger to take over. With acceptance, the fury should subside. Give them some time to heal. Everyone has their own journey to come to terms with loss.  

He feels powerless

Feeling powerless or helpless in a situation can be overwhelming and to deal with it, anger puts on a show.  Your partner can’t control his anger because it helps him feel in control. It’s a paradox, but that is what rage is. 

Instead of being enraged, the focus should be on getting the power back. When one no longer feels helpless, it gets easier to get a hold on the emotions they feel. 

Have a conversation with him and find out what’s making him feel helpless. Try to find solutions for it together as partners. 

They have unresolved childhood issues 

Children that experienced rage and anger in their childhood tend to mimic those traits as adults. Your partner can’t control his anger if that is all they know. He is quite possibly a product of the environment he grew up in. 

These unresolved issues have to be faced for him to get to the bottom of why he is who he is. He probably thinks it’s okay to have angry outbursts because that was the norm and does not know how to manage these feelings. 

They had been taught to suppress their anger

Anger is a healthy emotion when channelled the right way. More than control, it should be directed towards growth. 

If your partner was punished when he expressed anger and learned to suppress it over time, it could be why he can’t control it now. This makes them afraid of their own volatile emotions and it a bid to keep it down, the rage comes pouring out without any warning. 

Seek help for healthy ways that will help your partner control his anger better in the long run. 

They have had a traumatic past

Anger is often a huge part of the trauma response of a survivor. It helps them cope with present stressors and keeps them going. This makes it an important part of their recovery journey. 

The emotional wounds and scars may show up every now and then when they don’t have it together. Your partner can’t control his anger if he is stuck in the limbo between fight and flight mode. 

They are always waiting for the next threat and on the defensive. This may explain the sudden outbursts. Professional intervention with your support can be the start to his healing. 

They want to assert their dominance

Your partner can’t control his anger if he is using it to assert his dominance over you. It becomes a tool to keep you in check. This is absolutely unacceptable and you need to tread carefully. 

Get out of the relationship at the earliest signs of it becoming toxic. The more you put up, the worse it will get. You will make compromises till he has a complete hold on you and fear has taken over. 

You should not feel like you’re working on eggshells when you are in a relationship. It can be potentially dangerous too. Assess the situation for what it is and seek help if things get out of hand. 

They feel threatened or attacked easily 

Does your partner get offended easily? Your partner can’t control his anger if even the slightest mishaps tick him off. He constantly feels under attack, so his emotions are on high alert. 

This may have started out as a survival mechanism but now has become all he knows. He needs to re-learn how to interpret situations for what they are and not on his perception. 

Developing productive strategies can help keep his anger in check. 

They are masking their pain

The brain uses anger to mask pain. When hurt, the mind wants to help and if your partner is an angry person, it will be his go-to way to cope. 

He may think it shields others and stops them from seeing the pain, embarrassment or other more vulnerable emotions that exist underneath. This displacement of pain is why your partner can’t control his anger. 

Not only does this make it difficult for you, it is toxic for your relationship as a whole. He has to learn to identify his rage as the secondary emotion it is and prioritise healing from the real issue. 

They are severely stressed out

Stressful situations are never good for a person already struggling with anger issues, but stress is a part of life. It’s how we handle that stress that measures up to the kind of person we want to be. 

If they are severely stressed out, it’s probably why your partner can’t control his anger. Something is fueling this emotion. Find out what that is and see if you can help him recognise and then resolve the problem.

FAQs: My partner can’t control their anger

What do you call a person who can not control anger?

A person who cannot control their anger may be suffering from Intermittent Explosive Disorder that is recognised by episodes of unwarranted anger. They may seem to be flying into a rage for no apparent reason. The outburst is disproportionate to the actual situation and may be uncalled for.  

Can someone with anger issues change?

Yes, someone with anger issues can definitely change. In fact, with the help of therapy, people do evolve and positively impact their behavioural patterns. It does not happen overnight though. They need to be willing to put in the work though. 

How do you love someone with anger issues?

The ideal of unconditional love is a little far-fetched. You can love someone with anger issues and still expect them to work on themselves. Show them compassion, but learn to treat yourself with fairness and respect too. Acknowledge their frustration and find a middle ground to get past the intense emotion. Focus on moving towards resolutions as partners. 

References: 

https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/dear-gt/my-partner-cant-control-his-anger

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-middle-ground/201607/dealing-your-partner-s-explosive-anger

https://www.psycom.net/control-anger-frustration-relationship

https://www.apa.org/topics/anger/control