My partner avoids affection

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Everytime you try, your partner avoids affection. This can feel disheartening to say the least. A partner avoiding affection can have many reasons behind it. It can also have many possible solutions as well. What’s important to understand is that you might not be able to solve this issue if your partner doesn’t want to. If the reason is much deeper than you’d probably need extra help to sort it out as well. 

In this article we will be discussing why your partner might be avoiding affection, and how you can overcome to deal with them together. 

Here are the topics we will be looking over: 

  • Why does my partner avoid affection? 
  • How can I overcome this? 

Why does my partner avoid affection?

 Your partner might avoid affection for the following reasons :

  • They have trust issues 
  • They have certain Insecurities
  • They have boundaries
  • They have emotional walls

They have trust issues

Your partner could have been in a previous relationship that really affected them. They might have experienced a particular situation that has hurt them and caused alot of pain in their previous relationship. 

When people go through a tough breakup, or if they’ve been cheated on , or if it was just a toxic relationship, it could make it difficult for them to get over this. It could also possibly affect their perception or love and their belief in relationships. 

Even after having met you, they might have certain inhibitors and you can’t blame them for this. They might think that if they do accept your affection, it gives you the power to hurt them as well. It probably gives you the power to push them away as well and cause them pain. 

What needs to be clarified is that you both are going to hurt each other in the relationship. That is going to happen irrespective of whether the relationship is good or not, whether the partner is right or wrong. We all hurt each other in relationships but what’s important is how we deal with the situation after. 

If we tend to stay away from people with the fear of being hurt, we’ll probably spend our lives in solitude. Relationships succeed when vulnerabilities are visible and people accept each other irrespective of these vulnerabilities. That’s when bonds grow stronger and also build over a long period of time. 

They have certain insecurities

When any one person in the relationship tends to have certain insecurities it leads to also a low self-esteem. 

It’s a great big possibility that your partner has been dealing with low-self esteem for a while now. You might be wondering how self-esteem is related to the topic we are currently speaking of. 

What happens is that, when people tend to have a damaged self image, or a low self-esteem, they don’t believe they are worthy of positive things such as love and affection. Especially if they’ve had a life where all they’ve gone through are tough situations and difficult scenarios, it might be difficult for them to accept that something good has come their way. 

They might tend to question everything good you do for them. They might not relate to it, as well because it’s too good to be true. In some cases they probably can’t even see the good side of things. 

They have boundaries

This means your partner has certain set boundaries that they do not wish to forgo. This can exist when it comes to intimacy, expressing their love and feelings and also when it comes to receiving affection. 

If you are a person who is extremely expressive, you can’t expect your partner to be the same way. We are all different and unique when it comes to the way we love and the way we show it. If your partner loves in a more quiet way, then this is probably how they’ll always be. 

There are certain things that you can change. And there are certain things that you need to accept and go with. If this is how your partner really is, then it is best to figure out if this is a quality you could appreciate. 

There can be comfort and a different understanding with someone who isn’t as expressive. The moments will be more secretive and treasured. It will be something that only the two of you can have for yourselves. So if this is something you can see yourself working with then it would be best to communicate and reassure your partner about the same. 

They have emotional walls

Due to the events in the past that affected your partner’s emotional growth, they could have developed emotional walls. This means that they have certain things that stop them from emotionally connecting and being vulnerable. 

These things that are stopping them could be the fact that they have experienced a lot of rejection from the past. Their love hasn’t been reciprocated in the right way, they haven’t had any assurance from the past relationships, that has affected the way they have grown into relationships as well. 

It can be extremely difficult to break an individual’s walls. Mostly because these walls have been kept in place after some kind of a negative experience. So breaking these walls would also mean revisiting those experiences and working through them. 

How can I overcome this ? 

In such a situation the best thing would be counselling.  It’s better to have a seasoned professional to help you navigate through this sticky situation. They might be able to identify and read between the lines. This could also prove to be beneficial because it can give the two of you all the time to mend your relationship. 

Once the responsibility of understanding what’s wrong is shared with a professional, it can make it seem much more simpler and also in control. If you aren’t ready for counselling then you can have a conversation with your partner. 

They might have genuine concerns that are causing them to act in such a way. Find out if there are and try to understand what’s making them think this way. 

You can also reassure them. It won’t help to think that you can’t be reassuring them because sometimes it is important to do so. After this you can also understand if they are genuinely working on the issue or not. 

It’s going to take a lot of time, talking and trusting each other to resolve this situation. When we speak of time, it means happy neutral zones. Maybe time spent away at a park having a small picnic. Or taking dates whenever you can.

Spending this kind of quality time improves the nature of your relationship. Secondly, talking, if your partner is only bringing up the past and isn’t even able to tell you what’s wrong, then you can open up first. Speak about how you’re feeling, what you’d like to do about this and how you’re ready to put in the effort. 

It’s extremely important to trust each other throughout the whole process. Trust that you can work together and resolve this hurdle. 

You can always do something to bring back the connection, to respark love and also build trust. However it is a work in progress and won’t happen overnight. You can’t be hasty as there are real feelings involved. So don’t go looking for solutions, instead focus on finding yourselves in the relationship. 

Just because you are in a relationship doesn’t mean the effort, the small random surprises, the nice texts or calls, doesn’t mean they stop. 

Remember that a relationship is always a work in progress and it never stops being one. Give your relationship the time it deserves. Give your partner the attention and effort they deserve. 

Another thing to remember is that if your partner is avoiding the affection you show them, then they’re probably going through more than you can understand. Or they have gone through alot in the past. Thus it is important to be sensitive about their feelings.


When your partner avoids affection it can be distressing. It can also worry you and make you feel as though you’re the one who is messing things up. You might begin to assume the worst in your relationship. This is when you need to stop and understand the situation at hand. Communication is your best friend over here. 

If you have any further questions or queries please drop them in the comment section below.

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