My partner always starts a fight 

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When your partner always starts a fight, it can be distressing and really shake the foundation in your relationship. In such a situation, the only thing that can help is changing your mindset into resolving this issue. If you try to fight it out by fighting against your partner you’re just going to be going in circles. 

In this article we will be discussing the following things :

  • Why does my partner start fights?
  • How can I resolve this? 

Why does my partner start fights? 

Your partner is probably starting fights for the following reasons:

  • They are projecting their feelings
  • They are hurt because of a past issue
  • They haven’t been completely honest with their feelings
  • They have issues from the past
  • They’re being toxic

They are projecting their feelings

When your partner begins to pick fights it usually means they’re projecting their own subconscious feelings onto you. As you know we all go through things in our life that might affect us deeply. 

However we might not know or understand the extent to which something has affected us, unless we look back and consciously process the event itself. These events might be truamatic or too painful to remember. So our minds protect us by suppressing the feelings associated with these events. 

But while doing so, you need to understand that it’s always going to be at the back of your mind. Suppression only allows this event to stay out of the conscious, it doesn’t help in forgetting the event itself. 

Your partner might have the same issue. They probably aren’t able to get over, or forget a particular event that has occurred. It is likely that this event includes you , or might not as well. It can even be something that has happened in their workplace and that they’re taking out on you. This does sound unfair, and it is to you. 

But there is a chance that your partner might not even know what they’re doing. Sometimes what happens is that, partner’s become easy targets. Since they are able to be themselves with you, and let go of all restrictions. They end up taking out their frustrations as well. 

This can become unhealthy very soon. If they know what they’re doing, they realise it and come back to you, and give a proper explanation, then that’s good. But if this just becomes something that keeps recurring, and none of it is addressed. You just accept this as the way they are and carry on, that’s not good. That means you’re letting them know that they can dump their frustrations on you. 

Naturally they’re going to take you for granted after a point. Of Course your partner should be themselves with you, however not in this way. They need to open up and vent out. They’re looking for a vent and they pick a fight and pour their emotions out in that way. But it doesn’t have to happen in that way at all. 

If your partner isn’t aware of what they’re doing, then you can speak to them. Let them know how you feel, and that you’re there to support them but not in this way. You’d rather appreciate having a conversation where they can share their feelings with you. 

They are hurt because of a past issue

It’s possible that you’ve had a really bad fight with your partner in the past that they are still not over.  Or that some kind of a situation has really disturbed them and they haven’t been able to get over it at all. This might be because of the words that were said, the lines it crossed, feelings that were hurt and so on. 

Sometimes memories last and apologies don’t hold value. They might have tried to get over it but it’s something they’re not able to do.  This doesn’t necessarily mean that they have ego, and are expecting you to beg but they probably felt very disrespected. And your apology needs to be as big as your disrespect was. 

If you have an idea about what disturbed your partner to such an extent, speak to them about it? Ask them to let you know if they haven’t been able to let it go. Sometimes we move on way too quickly from a rather serious fight. And there are residual feelings. 

They haven’t been completely honest with their feelings

This is usually a consequence of not  resolving feelings from the past. People tend to just get tired of the entire argument or fight and block themselves out after a point. 

This can be done because they’re so drained out and they don’t have anything more to say, or it can be simply because they want to avoid adding onto the fight. 

By trying to stop themselves from hurting you or saying something that will keep the fight going they just stop talking or get defensive.  This often leads to a build up of resentment. They probably feel like they didn’t get a say, and all they kept doing was defending themselves. 

It’s easy to think that this is their problem, and they need to solve it, but if you really want this to work, then you’d also have to take the initiative to solve it. 

They have issues from the past

They have a serious set of problems not from your relationship but probably their own past. These issues could have been triggered while they’ve been spending time with you.  And that’s why it’s important to be sensitive about certain things while talking to your partner.

It’s not possible to know what these issues are if the relationship is new. It could be possible if they’ve opened up about a certain traumatic past that they’ve gone through. 

Try to look back and see if they’re connecting their present to a traumatic relationship in the past. This would mean they need support, space and time. If it’s rather serious than therapy is also advised. 

They’re being toxic

Your partner might  just be toxic towards you. They’re probably picking fights for every small thing just to intimidate you or put some fear into you. This is an unhealthy way of communication and can seriously affect your relationship. 

If you feel like your partner is only trying to control you by making you fear their anger, then it’s time to move away. If you find yourself thinking a lot before saying anything, or walking around eggshells, then it has become a toxic relationship. This is when you need to look back and try to see if you’ve lost yourself in this relationship. 

How can I resolve this? 

The best way to resolve this issue is to speak to your partner firstly about it. If you feel like every conversation you have with your partner is somehow getting derailed into a fight, then you’d have to try and engage a trusted person as your mediator. 

In such a situation the mediator acts as someone who helps bring the conversation back on track instead of going in circles. You can both let your mediator know the issue, and that’s about it. Remember that the job of the mediator isn’t to solve the issue, but just to help you both stay on track. If you engage a mediator who starts giving you advice or involving themselves in your conversation, and especially if they start picking sides, it can prove to be harmful. 

Couples counseling is the best for such situations. It doesn’t mean that something is wrong with the both of you, it only means you need some guidance to untangle this issue. Another thing you can do if you find yourselves fighting often is to have a safe word. 

The safe word can be something as simple as “pause” ; it indicates that the conversation or fight has gone off track. Once any one person says the safe word, it’s a sign to stop and reroute the argument. 

Conclusion

If your partner is constantly picking fights then you need to make it a point to work towards finding out the reason. It might not be easy, it comes with its own set of challenges. But there is always something you can do to resolve such issues. Your partner might require help, and is unable to ask for it in the right way. They’re probably stressed as well. So with a little guidance a lot can change

FAQs- my partner always picks fights

Why does my partner always pick fights?

Your partner probably always picks fights because he’s going through something himself. He’s unable to express this in the right manner and it ends up turning into a fight. 

Is it normal to argue in a relationship everyday? 

Yes, it is normal to argue everyday as long as they’re harmless arguments that don’t affect the stability of your relationship. 

What does it mean when your boyfriend picks fights with you?

When your boyfriend picks fights with you it probably means that he has something to communicate but isn’t finding the right way to do so. Which is causing him to vent out and act pretty stressed. 

What does stonewalling mean in a relationship? 

Stonewalling is when your partner builds a wall between the both of you. They refuse to communicate even when it’s most needed and this tends to hurt and ruin the stability of the relationship. 

Why do I argue with my girlfriend over nothing? 

You argue with your girlfriend over nothing probably because both of you aren’t open about what you want from each other and this is causing a lot of misunderstandings. 

 References

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/compassion-matters/201809/why-you-pick-fights-your-partner-and-how-stop

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