What to Do if Your Partner Abandons You? (3+ Actionable Tips)
By
OptimistMinds
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Author bio
The Optimistminds editorial team is made up of psychologists, psychiatrists and mental health professionals. Each article is written by a team member with exposure to and experience in the subject matter. The article then gets reviewed by a more senior editorial member. This is someone with extensive knowledge of the subject matter and highly cited published material.
Did your partner abandon you out of nowhere? This can cause a lot of confusion and might even change your patterns by making them faulty or unhealthy. There’s a good chance of you developing trust issues and even a fear of commitment as well.
In this article we will try to understand why people do this. Because you might be in need of closure. How does one get over this and what are the things you should remember.
Here are the topics that we will be reading about :
- Why did your partner do this ?
- How do you deal with this?
- What should you be aware of ?
Why did your partner do this ?
Your partner could have abandoned you for the following reasons :
- Attachment styles
- Childhood issues
- Your partner wasn’t ready for commitment
- They weren’t in love
- They had different goals
- They didn’t expect to catch feelings
- They have been unfaithful
Attachment styles
Your partner could have an attachment style that causes them to behave in such a way. We all usually have 4 kinds of attachment styles which are the following : secure, anxious, avoidant and disorganised. Avoidant is usually considered to be dismissive avoidant.
Those who are dismissive- avoidant have a tendency to distance themselves emotionally. They shut down their emotions to an extent that it looks as if they don’t care. They also tend to move away and isolate themselves in the process. This obviously affects the communication in the relationship.
You might have been experiencing a lot of stonewalling where they’d just stop communicating with you. This is why it appears as if they’re being dismissive of you as well. They probably act in such a way where you feel they’re disregarding your feelings.
Why does a person become this way? Probably because of their childhood.
Childhood issues
Childhood issues mostly consist of the parenting style they were exposed to and had to deal with. If they had parents and especially a primary caregiver who was absent most of the time, this could be one cause.
This could mean they were physically not present, or that they were emotionally unavailable for their child. This especially applies for the primary caregiver. A child learns everything through observation and especially from observing parents.
Emotions become a huge part of this learning. So if a child has a parent who is “supposed” to love them and be there , but they’re not, this is what a child learns. And since they probably live life in the same context they might accept that form of love as a form of attachment.
If the parent turns out to be controlling, and dismissive of the child’s emotions, in this case your partner, then that also is a form of emotional abandonment. This again affects the way the child grows to connect with other people.
- Your partner wasn’t ready for a commitment
This could mean that they just weren’t ready for things to get so serious. This probably got them to feel overwhelmed and maybe even anxious.
This doesn’t mean they couldn’t have informed you and then left, but it could be a reason. Sometimes people tend to feel so overwhelmed that they only look out for themselves at that moment. Mostly because that’s all they can do in that situation.
- They weren’t in love
As much as this is a painful point, it’s still a possibility. Sometimes things move so fast in a relationship that people are constantly falling in and out of love.
Sometimes people assume infatuation to be love, as time goes they realise that it wasn’t. In other cases they just keep moving till the point they realise they aren’t feeling anything.
This isn’t to say that your relationship didn’t mean anything to them, it probably meant something that wasn’t love and wasn’t as much as you felt.
- They had different goals
They probably saw different goals in their future. They didn’t expect to have someone as stable and secure as you are. Or they didn’t expect to have a relationship that’s so secure.
They might have realised that they’d have to settle with you if they want this to work, and that might not be something they could have done.
It’s a possibility that your partner realised that they have different goals compared to you and that your relationship wasn’t heading in that direction.
- They didn’t expect to catch feelings
This could just mean that they weren’t looking for something serious, and they thought this wouldn’t be a serious relationship and yet they caught feelings.
This definitely means that they were not ready for a commitment. This could cause a lot of frustration, anger and confusion. Especially if they did fall in love with you but couldn’t stay just because they’re scared of committing.
- They have been unfaithful
Your partner has been unfaithful in the relationship. They have probably cheated on you or have caught feelings for someone else during the course of your relationship.
The reason this point has come towards the end is because it is extremely painful if it’s true. And also because it doesn’t have to necessarily be the reason why your partner abandoned you. So instead of assuming that this is the reason, it’s much better to confront them, or rather accept that this might just not be something you’d want to know, because it doesn’t change a thing.
How do you deal with this?
The feelings you feel after your partner abandons you would definitely be mixed and confusing. It would make you feel lost and to a certain extent betrayed as well. It might even give you the idea that you were probably dependent on your partner and that’s why it’s making you feel this bad.
The idea to get over such a situation would be to overcome this sense of dependence. It would be to allow you to regain control of your life and emotions.
- Take a solo trip
Take a trip alone, it doesn’t have to be to a place far-off, just a small getaway would do. Spend that time with yourself to make you feel empowered and strong. You will notice that you actually enjoy your company.
- Make it a point to spend more time with yourself than others.
In a world where we’re all highly connected through social media. The term independence can be confusing. So keep some time out for yourself to connect with the things you like doing. Chances are you’d discover something new every time you spend this time with yourself.
- Seek support
Speak to your loved ones, let them know how you’re feeling and let them in. You can speak to them when you’ve realised something new or noticed something new. It’s okay to ask people for help.
- Speak to a therapist
Speaking to a therapist might help you view things in an objective manner and this can be crucial.
What should you be aware of ?
Being abandoned by your partner could affect you for a lifetime if you don’t seek help and support at the right time.
- You could develop trust issues
This is when you should pick up the signal that this has affected you and if you don’t solve it right now, it will carry on into the future as well.
- You could develop a low self-esteem
This might make you feel as though you could not be loved. But this is definitely not the reason why you were abandoned. It can be hard to work through these feelings, however you should remember that your partner made a choice. This choice has affected you, but you can’t relate it to the person you are because there are umpteen reasons out there.
It could become a traumatic memory
Being abandoned in any relationship is traumatic. This is definitely something you have to keep in mind. And seek therapy at least once.
Conclusion
Once your partner abandons you it could cause a multitude of problems. It would open up so many feelings you didn’t even know you had. But what’s important to understand is that you won’t know the reason until you’re told the reason. And there could be so many of them that are not related to you at all. Remember to take care of yourself after this instead of focusing on why your partner did this.
If you have any questions or queries please drop them in the comment section below.
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