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My husband raises his voice at me (tips)

By OptimistMinds
Page last updated: 08/27/2022 | Next review date: 08/27/2024

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The Optimistminds editorial team is made up of psychologists, psychiatrists and mental health professionals. Each article is written by a team member with exposure to and experience in the subject matter.  The article then gets reviewed by a more senior editorial member. This is someone with extensive knowledge of the…

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In this guide, we will discuss “My husband raises his voice at me” and alternatives on how to deal with it.

My husband raises his voice at me

Why does my husband raise his voice at me? you may be asking yourself.

If you never experienced this before or you did but it is not as frequent as it is now, then you may be thinking that something is wrong or that you have been doing things that upset him.

However, even if you did something wrong, no one deserves to be yelled at or screamed at.

Let’s consider the following, Did your husband raise your voice when you were boyfriend and girlfriend?

When he raises his voice at you treats you like a princess, so you will forget it ever happen?

Does he raise his voice often? How does he react then?

Raising your tone of voice can come across as disrespectful for whatever reason, and it can easily escalate to yelling and shouting.

Yes, married life comes with difficult situations where there may be arguments or fighting but it is not a “free pass” to get verbally abused, especially when it comes from your loved one.

Screaming and shouting can cause the same damage as being hit or physically abused. 

It is not a secret that we are emotional beings, and on many occasions, we act moved by how we feel and experience at a certain moment.

When we are frustrated, angry or sad we desperately seek to be heard by yelling, crying, throwing things, etc.

Even though having a happy marriage takes time and effort from both parties, you need to consider that there could be potential threats and danger when someone acts moved by rage and anger. 

Consequently, if your husband raises his voice at you frequently and it ends up disrespecting you frequently, then it will slowly breakdown your marriage and even end up in getting a divorce.

Women also worry that they have a controlling husband but don’t know how to maintain their relationship.

Not just husbands, but boyfriends too can become verbally abuse towards their soulmates.

In order to safeguard your self esteem and mental health, learn what to do when your boyfriend yells at you.

Raising your voice or yelling to be heard 

Yelling, screaming and eventually swearing, will make us become bullies. No one enjoys being around a bully, nevertheless, living with one.

Bullies normally feel the need to control and dominate the other person by using abusive language.

Usually, a person that uses this type of communication to get what they want from their spouse has low self-esteem and a lack of communication skills.

Subsequently, if you are the one being bullied, expecting your partner to change their behavior will not work until you start changing your own.

When we are married, we tend to wait for the other spouse to change rather than effectively addressing their part in it. 

Controlling your spouse or being controlled is not healthy, just as there are house rules about who is doing what, there needs to be marriage rules.

For instance, respecting your partner is a must, same as your freedom and privacy.  So you may be wondering, what can I do when my husband raises his voice at me?

Here are some things you need to consider.

Is he just raising his voice in an attempt to be heard or is he verbally abusive, yells, screams, shouts and uses abusive language? 

Consequently, if he is actually not only raising his voice so hear him but also yelling and being abusive then, what we have to say next may interest you. 

What can I do so my husband stops yelling?

Women complain that ‘My husband gives me anxiety’ and yells.

Below, you can learn ways to stop him from yelling at you.

First, you need to stop thinking it is a normal situation since we tend to tell ourselves “married people have fights and arguments all the time, it is normal” or “it is my fault he raises his voice, I am always doing things to upset him”.

Yes, married couples do get into arguments because we disagree about many things but you should not be treated with disrespect, being humiliated, belittled or with abusive language.

Once you start tolerating and accepting the situation, it will continue because it is a vicious cycle. 

In addition, if your spouse starts calling you names, screaming at you or making you feel useless, you need to assess and consider if it is better for you to walk away from your spouse unless they really commit to changing their behavior.

However, many abusive relationships continue the cycle by saying things will change and they actually don’t.

Undoubtedly, they will continue if you let them.

Communication goes both ways, meaning it is never acceptable for a husband or a wife to resort to yelling, shouting, humiliating or belittling in a healthy marriage.

The first thing you need to do is let your husband how it makes you feel but when he is already calm so you can have a normal conversation.

If this behavior continues, then it is recommended to go to marriage counseling for professional help. 

However, here are some tips you can implement but if you feel your life is at risk or you are feeling threatened then make sure you are safe to preserve your integrity and avoid being physically harmed. 

Recognize it is not normal and how it impacts you emotionally

Recognize how you feel when he starts screaming at you and how it hurts and brings emotional pain.

In addition, instead of reacting the same way as he does take a step back, breathe and take a minute to listen to how your body is reacting.

Some husbands may not even be aware that they are screaming at you and may think they are just raising their voices so they can be heard.

Others simply know what they are doing and have made this type of behavior part of their communication style. 

Consequently, try saying “You are yelling and screaming at me. This makes me feel scared and frightened so we can’t actually communicate effectively.

Let’s take a few minutes to think and calm down, so we can resume this conversation later”. 

However, it is important to actually resume the conversation, later on, otherwise, unresolved issues will become bigger issues in the future. 

Defuse the situation by removing yourself 

This does not necessarily mean you leave him talking on its own and just walking away from him without even saying a word because it could even make him even angrier and with the feeling, you do not even want to listen. 

Even though it is true that you don’t have to tolerate if he is verbally abusing, it is important to end the discussion in an assertive way.

You can say something like “You are losing control and you are being too hurtful and aggressive.

I am going to go now and so we both can have a cooling period and then I will listen to what you have to say.”  

Avoid criticism, judging or blaming

No one likes to be criticized, judged or blamed.

There are several ways to express your opinion, feeling and how you disagree with something he has done. Your tone of voice and your body language can say a lot more than your words. 

If you are in a fight with your husband, avoid criticizing or judging.

Instead, try to listen to what he has to say and after he has expressed his reasons to be upset say something like “I understand you are upset because of …. However, I feel that…”

Remember, to start a fight you need 2 people and we need to attempt to listen to what the other person has to say before we make assumptions or jump into the conclusion that it is his fault only.

Acknowledge what they say but clearly also state your point of view in the matter as well as analyzing your behavior and how it could have contributed to the argument. 

Why is this blog about My husband raises his voice at me important?

As we have discussed, under no circumstance we should tolerate being yelled or shouted at.

This is considered disrespectful and it can severely damage your marriage to the verge of getting a divorce.

However, there are several things you and your husband can do to try to communicate more effectively when having an argument or a fight and even learn how to predict when a conversation is getting out of control before it is too late. 

Even though verbal abuse is not as evident as physical abuse it can actually cause a lot of harm to your self-esteem, self-image and mental health.

Consequently, if you have tried everything and he still raises his voice and becomes abusive, you need to either find professional help or decide if it is best to walk away from an abusive and toxic marriage.

Please feel free to comment in the comments section!

Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs) about My husband raises his voice at me

Is raising your voice disrespectful?

Raising your voice can be disrespectful.

Your tone of voice can say a lot about your emotional state, especially if it is accompanied by hurtful, humiliating and belittling words.

No one likes to be yelled or screamed at, it is totally disrespectful. 

Is yelling healthy in a relationship?

Yelling is very unhealthy and can damage your relationship.

When we resort to yelling and screaming to deal with a difficult situation, it is not ensuring we are communicating our message or being heard more effectively, no matter how loud we are.

How do you deal with a shouting husband?

Having your husband shouting at you can be quite frightening and scary, and foremost, not ideal for your marriage.

Tell your husband how you feel and how yelling can affect you emotionally once he is calm.

If he keeps shouting and yelling at you, and there is no willingness to change after talking about it, consider marriage counseling. 

Is it normal for husband to yell at wife?

It is not normal for a husband to yell at a wife, in fact, no one should yell in an attempt to communicate their point of view or how they feel.

However, arguments and fights are normal when you are married, yelling is not something that should be tolerated.

Once you start tolerating being yelled at, it will increase the chance to keep happening.

This can be translated into poor control over their emotions and a lack of communication skills. 

Are bosses allowed to yell at you?

No, bosses are not allowed to yell at employees under any circumstance.

The relationship is strictly professional so it should be polite and respectful.

In addition, it can be intimidating and frightening. 

References 

Cohen, E.D. (2015, Aug.) Can Screaming or Yelling Be Bad for your relationship? Retrieved from Psychologytoday.com

Chris, S. “Why Does My Husband Yell and Shout at Me All the Time”. Retrieved from Marriagerecovery.com

Hutt, J. (2008, Oct.) When Yelling is a pattern. Retrieved from goodtherapy.org.