My Child Abuses Me(why+ what to do)
By
OptimistMinds
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Author bio
The Optimistminds editorial team is made up of psychologists, psychiatrists and mental health professionals. Each article is written by a team member with exposure to and experience in the subject matter. The article then gets reviewed by a more senior editorial member. This is someone with extensive knowledge of the subject matter and highly cited published material.
Research on the familial relationship largely focuses on the impact of parenting on the well-being and personality of children. The topic of child abuse has rightfully gained mainstream attention in the parent-child dyad, owing to the fact that children are a vulnerable cohort and that parents are accountable for taking care of their children.
However, there is another topic concerning abuse that is often overlooked in the parent-child dynamic, which is the abusive treatment of children towards parents. Primarily, the abusive treatment of children toward their parents is referred to as Parental Abuse or Child-to-Parent Abuse. For the rest of the article, we will refer to this phenomenon as Child-to-Parent Abuse.
Defining Child-to-Parent Abuse (CPA)
Child-to-parent Abuse (CPA) is defined as acts of recurrent aggression towards one or both parents. CPA can present in different forms namely: Physical, verbal, emotional, financial, and sexual aggression. According to a survey conducted on abusive behaviors towards parents usually starts at the age of six years of age, and continues into adulthood.
Contrary to popular misconceptions, children who are abusive toward their parents have not necessarily been exposed to abuse themselves. Moreover, abusive behavior is not essentially an outcome of ineffective or abusive parenting. In addition, research indicates that children who engage in violence towards their parents tend to abuse other members of the family, including their siblings.
Signs of Child-to-Parent Abuse (CPA)
The following behaviors are exhibited by children who engage in Child-to-parent Abuse (CPA):
• Hitting, kicking, or punching one or both parents
• Yelling, threatening, insulting, cursing one or both parents
• Emotional manipulation or blackmailing one or both parents
• Forcefully taking money or stealing material possessions from one or both parents
• Controlling who the parents socialize with
• Restricting the mobility of one or both parents
• Sexual abuse or asking for sexual favors
Why Children Abuse Parents?
Children and teenagers engage in violent behaviors due to multiple reasons. They may be experiencing emotional dysregulation or may be suffering from mental health issues. It is also possible that the child is learning aggressive behaviors from the environment. According to Albert Bandura’s Social Learning Theory, children learn aggressive behaviors from role models in the environment.
Therefore, when a child is engaging in aggressive behaviors, parents need to evaluate if their children are witnessing abusive behaviors at home, school or any other setting.
Watching aggressive content on electronic devices can also increase aggressive tendencies in young people. If children are experiencing mental health issues, it is important for the family members to encourage them to seek mental health support.
Reasons for Underreporting
Child-to-parent abuse goes underreported for many reasons. Parents may experience feelings of shame, fear of negative evaluation, or negative consequences of speaking up.
In addition, they may feel confused about what is happening to them and maybe reluctant because they have not been helped by officials or professionals in the past.
Parents may also feel responsible for not raising their kids right and may try to accommodate their abusive behaviors in an attempt to ‘make it right’. Moreover, parents may be physically, emotionally, or financially dependent on their abusive children, and by reporting abuse, they may lose support from them.
Having mixed feelings for their children (e.g. anger, and affection) can also be one reason why parents may refrain from reporting abuse.
As mentioned above, some parents undergoing abuse feel confused about what is happening to them. They might not be able to differentiate between usual parent conflicts and abuse. Reviewing the following examples may help you differentiate between the two.
Case Examples
Example 1:
Ruth is a 35-year-old single mother with three children. Her eldest daughter Abby is 14 years old and she has repeated arguments with her.
Whenever Ruth tells her to study after school or help her around the house, she argues with her. Whenever there is a heated argument with her mother, she tells her that she hates her, and slams the door of her room. When things cool down, Abby and her mother are able to communicate with each other and share their feelings.
Example 2:
John is 52 years old, and Sarah is his 47-year-old wife. They have an 18-year-old son Matt who visits them during the holidays. Whenever he comes over, he fights with his parents and demands that his parents give him money by selling their house.
Moreover, he steals money from their wallets and denies doing it upon confrontation. Many times during the arguments, he hits his father to the point where he gets seriously injured. He also yells at his mother and verbally abuses her.
Matt’s parents have contemplated speaking to authorities many times, but they end up deciding against it because they think it will further complicate their relationship.
The first example highlights a typical parent-teen relationship. Having arguments and conflicts with your children is quite normal.
The important thing in this example is that both the parent and Abby are safe and are able to resolve the conflict.
However, the second example embodies child-to-parent abuse. Matt is showing physical and financial aggression towards his parents. His abuse is severe and recurrent.
Ways to deal with Child-to-Parent Abuse (CPA)
If you have been experiencing abuse by your children, know that you are not alone and that professional help is available. Following is a list of suggestions to address ongoing parent-to-child abuse:
• Ensure your physical safety: When the conflict is escalating, move to a safe place. This could be a particular room inside the house, or a place outside the house (e.g. A public place, a relative, or a neighbor’s house)
• Report the Abuse: Contact the police helpline or social services if you or anyone in your family is in physical danger. The authorities can ensure the physical safety of you and your family. Moreover, they can connect your child with social services or with a mental health service provider.
• Seek Social Support: Talk to your friends or relatives for support. You don’t have to suffer in silence.
• Speak to a mental health professional: Talk to a professional to create a safety plan, learn effective coping strategies, and process your emotions.
• Seeking legal counsel: You may want to consider seeking legal counsel to get a restraining order if things do not improve with the intervention mentioned above.
In summary, child-to-parent abuse is a serious and sensitive phenomenon, which is often overlooked. Parents who are abused by children are reluctant to report the abuse or speak up against it due to various personal and psychosocial reasons. If you or your loved ones are experiencing abuse by children, it is imperative to recognize signs of child-to-parent abuse and take appropriate actions to address it.
Note: Names mentioned in the article are pseudonyms.
References
Bandura, A. (1977). Social learning theory. Prentice-Hall.