Letting go of someone you love (9 steps)

In this blog post, we’ll be talking about breakups and how to get over one in just 9 simple steps. 

Why letting go of someone you love is so painful? 

Counseling is Key to a Healthy Marr... x
Counseling is Key to a Healthy Marriage

Have you ever wondered why a breakup hurts so much?

Why do we have the impression that everything is over, that we will not be able to overcome the moment, that we will never be able to love again?

Studies have shown that after a breakup our body secretes the same substances as in the case of physical pain hence the conclusion that breakups hurt. 

But why letting go of someone you love has to hurt so much? 

One explanation would be that one partner still loves the other very much.

And you can’t just easily accept it’s over, even if you know you cannot be together anymore. 

At the beginning of a relationship, romantic dreams and long-term plans for the two of you begin to take shape.

When the relationship dies, so do dreams and plans. And if everything falls apart, dreams disappear, plans are cancelled, how do we replace them?

What awaits us? A future we know nothing about. And the unknown scares us. Even more than a failed relationship.

Another explanation offered by psychoanalysts claims that separation hurts so much because we actually remember the pain felt at birth.

We relive the moment when we broke away from our mother’s womb. A break up forces us to remember the other important separations in our lives.

But at the same time, it shows us that we will survive. As we did every time.

Furthermore, breaking up hurts because rejection hurts. When a relationship ends, most of the time one of the partners does not want the other.

She doesn’t like him anymore, she doesn’t want him anymore. Or he rejects her, choosing someone else instead.

This rejection hurts us physically because it shows us that we are not indispensable, that life can go on, very normal and without us in the scenery.

How to get over a breakup more easily?

Relationships can make us feel the happiest people in the world, but also the saddest. 

We feel so hurt when relationships break down and when stability no longer exists. 

A breakup revolutionizes the way we relate to ourselves and others. We struggle to understand it, to accept it.

Some stay at this stage for a long time. Others easily overcome the situation and move on to the next relationship.

However, if we have invested a lot in a relationship (time, sacrifices, etc.) we will not easily overcome the separation.

What should we do so that our life enters a new and healthier phase? 

Accept the separation

In order to be able to take a step forward towards healing, you must accept the present situation.

Yes, you broke up. It doesn’t even matter whose fault it is. But it is advisable to learn from this experience, to know better the people and the signs that indicate certain problems so that you do not run into them in the future.

It’s a form of protection. No, it does not involve permanent suspicion. Just take care of your soul, so you don’t suffer again.

Don’t exaggerate

Yes, you feel pain, discomfort and you have to start over with a lot of things. But don’t overdo it!

The sky did not fall on you. Share your feelings of pain with people who understand you and who have been with you from the beginning.

If you don’t have anyone, ask for specialist help.

You can unload the burden at the psychotherapist office and together find effective solutions and coping mechanisms. 

Don’t isolate yourself

Whatever the reasons you broke up, don’t isolate yourself. Make a balanced work schedule (do not take refuge in it), include socializing, rest.

Find things you like. Do not confuse socializing with specialized platforms on the Internet. Socializing means more.

It means healthy face-to-face relationships. Spend time in nature, exercise.

Maybe it’s not a bad idea to take a pet (provided you don’t abandon it after you have a new relationship).

Take care of yourself

Rest, proper nutrition and outdoor activities are the keys. Eat healthier, sleep the necessary hours according to your age.

Exercise, maintain yourself physically healthy. This will give you a general feeling of well-being.

You will have a clear mind and any decision you make will most likely be a good one.

If you neglect yourself, you are heading for a greater disaster than the one caused by the separation.

Don’t change your mind 

If the breakup was your decision, keep in mind that it’s enough to think about the good things you shared with your ex-partner, to forget the reasons you wanted to break up.

Often, after a breakup, people think about the good parts of the relationship and sometimes come to believe that the negative aspects were not enough to reach a breakup.

Do not torture yourself in this way. Accept the situation, get over the unpleasant moment of separation and try to move forward.

Write your feelings in a journal

Design a journal in which to write: poems, prose or simply your feelings or thoughts.

The most important thing is to be absolutely honest when you put your thoughts in a diary.

After you read what you wrote, the emotional pain begins to fade and you will be able to begin to learn valuable lessons from the experience you went through.

No relationship is a failure if you manage to learn something about yourself.

Carefully manage the hate stage 

It is almost normal that when you break up (especially if your partner is the one who made this decision) you feel boundless anger.

Anger is usually channelled to your ex-partner – you may hate him because he made you waste your time. You may even be angry at the thought that you could do more.

Give up these thoughts and anger! Anger is a waste of time and energy and there are many more things you can do with your emotions and energy.

Keep your distance from your ex-partner

Even if you and your ex-partner have decided to remain, friends, you should break off contact immediately after the breakup.

This means avoiding contact with your ex, giving up the common group of friends for a while, not calling, not exchanging messages or emails.

Keep this distance even if your ex-partner wants to meet you. It doesn’t make sense.

This is because you can be vulnerable, especially if you already suffer from an emotional imbalance caused by separation. 

You may have some contact with your ex-partner, in order to develop some practical aspects, such as moving, signing documents, etc.

Try to limit your contact to what is absolutely necessary, be civilized but reduce the duration of the meetings.

Meet new people

It is clear that you will not be alone for the rest of your life! Like all of us, you need friends, relationships, someone close.

Analyze situations without haste. A good decision made in a long time is better than the wrong decision made quickly.

If in doubt, ask the opinion of family, old friends or even the opinion of a psychologist. There’s nothing wrong with that.

This way you will have more points of view, a more complete image.

Side Note: I have tried and tested various products and services to help with my anxiety and depression. See my top recommendations here, as well as a full list of all products and services our team has tested for various mental health conditions and general wellness.

In conclusion

It is important to focus on and apply these strategies carefully.

Many things that bind you to your ex-partner seemed invisible when you were still in a relationship, and now a simple look at them can cause intense emotional pain.

By getting rid of these triggers, you can forget the past faster and move on with your life.

If you have a souvenir, such as a watch or jewellery that was given to you by your ex-partner, even if this item reflects the pleasant aspects of your relationship, there is nothing wrong with keeping it, only for the moment, it is more good to put it aside.

You can put all the things that remind you of your relationship in a box, and put in a closet for a while.

Give yourself time to heal from the pain of separation.

Do not rush. Usually, after a relationship has lasted for years, you have the feeling that you are not a whole person without your ex-partner. 

You are tempted to call him/her, to ask his/her opinion, by virtue of habit.

The mere thought that they might be with someone else and not with you is something that makes you angry.

Gradually break all these invisible ties that stand in the way of your healing. 

And remember – even if you don’t have a relationship right now, you’re not alone in the world. Enjoy time spent with your family, old friends, colleagues and all the new people in your life.

What we recommend for Relationship issues

Professional relationship counselling

If you are suffering from relationship issues then ongoing professional relationship counselling could be what you need. Relationship Counselling can be done individually or with one or more partners.

Relationship counselling helps you regain the amazing elements of your relationship and provides you with the techniques needed to avoid conflicts, misunderstandings and the most common issues most relationships struggle with.

FAQ about letting go of someone you love

How do you let go of someone you really love?

To let go of someone you really love is very painful, but sometimes is the only choice you have.

To do this, you first must tell your partner you want to break up. Be direct, but kind.

Next, it is best to cut off all contact. Start taking care of yourself and make your need a priority.

Reach out for support, practice gratitude and forgiveness. Give yourself time to heal. 

When should you let go of someone you love?

You should let go of someone you love when your needs in the relationship are no longer satisfied.

This being said, if you are no longer happy if the time spent with your partner no longer brings you joy, confidence, peace of mind, it may be time to let them go.

Is it true if you love someone let them go?

If you love someone you let them go, if their happiness is not their happiness.

When your true love someone you actually want your partner to be happy, fulfilled, to have joy in his/her life.

When the two of you want different things, it is better to let them go. 

When it’s time to let go of a relationship?

You know it’s time to let go of a relationship when it no longer brings you happiness, joy, confidence, love.

If most of the time your relationship makes you unhappy, stressed out, not trusting yourself, perhaps it is time to go separate ways. 

How do you know when a relationship is really over?

You know that a relationship is really over when the two of you cannot find a way to communicate without fighting, crying, shouting.

A relationship is over when there is no trust, mutual respect and love left.

What are good reasons to end a relationship?

A good reason to end a relationship may mean something different for each one of us.

Some people end relationships because they no longer feel fulfilled or happy, they no longer like and love their partner, or because they were somehow irremediable offended by their partner.

Further reading

  1. Getting Past Your Breakup: How to Turn a Devastating Loss into the Best Thing That Ever Happened to You
  2. The Breakup Bible: The Smart Woman’s Guide to Healing from a Breakup or Divorce
  3. Get Over Your Breakup: How I Got Past My Ex-Boyfriend in 21 Days…And How You Can Too! 
  4. Getting Over a Breakup: 75 Easy Steps to Get Over a Breakup
  5. How To Break Up With Fast Fashion: A guilt-free guide to changing the way you shop – for good
  6. The Modern Break-Up

What was missing from this post which could have made it better?

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