How do I support my lesbian daughter?

What do you do when you find out you have a lesbian daughter, how do you feel, how do you overcome prejudices?

How do you manage to re-establish with the one you gave life that connection that tends to break.

Many times, the abyss seems insurmountable, but the solution is in your own hands.

I have a lesbian daughter. How should I react?

The first question of any parent when finding out that their child is homosexual is: what did I do wrong, what is this punishment for?

The guilt is huge. The parent thinks he is directly to blame for the child’s sexual choices.

He constantly wonders where he went wrong in applying education.

From a psychological point of view, when you find out that your son or daughter is attracted to people of the same sex, you try to hide as much as possible what you really feel.

The terror and shame you live in in the months following the news are so great that you can have a heart attack or diabetes, according to specialists. 

The disappointment is great. In general, because parents always link their children’s choice of sexual orientation to education and the events of their family life.

The best piece of advice parents should follow in this case is to build bridges of direct communication with their children.

Shame is useless. Direct questions are the only ones that can establish genetic programming or the choice of homosexuality as an erotic manifestation.

How do I support my lesbian daughter?

We can’t all be heterosexual, good Christiana and monogamous. If you don’t agree with her choice, what will you do to avoid losing her?

Psychological counselling, both for the parents and for the child, is the sure way in which all the parties involved understand the truth. 

There are several cases that can occur during psychological counselling:

  • the parent finds out that he was educationally wrong
  • the parent learns that this is how the child was born
  • the parent finds out that this is a choice

In all the above cases, psychological counselling is the only thing that can restore harmony in the family.

You don’t lose your child if you love him. True parents fight for their children, no matter what they do. Homosexuality is just a label. 

Homosexuality is defined as sexual attraction between two people of the same sex. Since the 1970s, it is no longer considered a mental disorder.

But even today, in a traditional family, the news that one of the children is homosexual can be difficult for parents to accept.

When you first find out that your daughter is a lesbian or your son is gay, you may not be able to control your initial reaction.

But the hardest thing is to try to accept this information if you do not know how to reconcile it with your own family values.

It can be confusing to admit that, yes, your child is gay.

Therefore, it is absolutely essential to make an effort to understand the situation he/she is in.

This way, the whole situation will be less traumatic, especially for your child.

It is important that your son or daughter does not become a victim of intolerance even within the family.

Although much progress has been made worldwide in recognizing and defending the rights of homosexuals, intolerance remains a fundamental issue.

Accepting homosexuality

Homosexuality is not a problem, but it can become a problem if you do not accept it.

Yes, it is true, inside you, as a parent, you dry up with sadness and regrets, but the truth is, you have nothing else to do. 

Many years ago, a hypnotherapist stated that homosexuality is not an incurable disease. Using the word disease gives homosexuality more power than it should have.

Richard von Krafft-Ebing’s 1886 book Sexual Psychiatry categorizes homosexuality as a mental illness.

However, Sigmund Freud presented a different opinion in the first half of the twentieth century.

Freud considered that everyone is normally bisexual, with certain tendencies, both towards heterosexuality and towards homosexuality, but one of them dominates. 

Returning to the present day: the treatment of the problem is done exclusively with specialized help.

In the first phase, when the parent tries to discover the source of the child’s homosexuality, the Church is the first choice.

The information from the priests has the gift of stopping the father’s heart from bleeding.

Later, the psychologist also appears in the landscape. He will struggle with Christian dogma, the parent’s beliefs and the child’s sexual direction.

In the end, only the patient and strong will remain. For information, parents can read about a therapy called reparative.

What can we say about homosexuality from a psychological point of view?

You can’t change what’s already been done. Efforts to change sexual orientation have a low probability of fulfilment.

Both research and clinical literature emphasize the following idea: Romantic and sexual relationships, attraction, feelings, and behaviours between people of the same sex are the normal and positive expression of variation in human sexuality, despite the identity of sexual orientation.

Sexual orientation defines an individual’s identity.

As a psychologist, you can see if sexual orientation is imposed by something or someone or if the subject has always been attracted to same-sex erotic partners.

Education and homosexuality

Like all complex behavioural and mental states, homosexuality is determined not exclusively biologically or psychologically but results from a difficult combination of genetic factors, intrauterine influences, the postnatal environment (family and cultural behaviour), and a series of repeated options at critical moments of development”, says Jeffrey Satinover, psychiatrist, Doctor of Medicine.

Let me point out strictly the following scenario: Are children with same-sex parents influenced educationally? And here we have the case of adopting the child from homosexual couples or discovering the homosexual side, and this after the loss of the couple’s partner. Example: My mother brought her sexual partner home after the divorce. Together they form a couple.

  •  The first question: how many mothers does the child have?
  •  Where is the father’s parental role model?
  •  What does the child understand from the sexual manifestations between the two women?
  •  How does the child interpret the caresses and kisses seen as manifestations of love between the couple’s partners?

In this case, we can have a discussion about how the application of the parental model conflicts with the definition of the minor’s sexuality.

In this scenario only, education can influence the child.

Your child is gay: how do you react?

Based on the advice of specialists and psychologists, we have compiled a list of useful recommendations that we advise you to take into account if you find something that is sometimes difficult to accept: your child is gay.

  • Don’t get upset – You need to be aware that homosexuality is not a choice or a “decision” for your child. He/she has not decided to be like that.

Your relationship with your son or daughter should not change because of his or her sexual orientation.

Many parents, despite having gay friends, have many prejudices. Don’t count yourself among them.

  • Find out more = Seek the advice of other parents in the same situation. In this way, you will be able to understand how they accepted things and how they proceeded to maintain a beautiful relationship with their children. Ignorance of homosexuality can lead to many misunderstandings and confusions.

If you do not think you can handle the situation on your own, consult a specialist. It will introduce you to certain techniques for combating stress and accepting reality.

  • Give him/her emotional support – Acknowledging that being gay can be a very stressful experience for your child. Therefore, it is very important that you give him your unconditional support. He/she probably suffered for a long time in silence, trying to keep this aspect of his / her life a secret.

Do not feed or encourage the same fear and repression in the family. It is already quite difficult for a homosexual person to cope with external pressures.

No person in this situation needs to be rejected or tried even at home.

Support means acceptance. Don’t try to change your child or convince him that he is doing something wrong.

First of all, it is impossible. That’s how he/she was born. Secondly, this approach is disrespectful and offensive.

  • Don’t look for the guilty parts  – We say it one more time. Homosexuality is not a disease. This sexual orientation is not contagious and is not caused by external factors.

If your child is gay, accept him, respect him and love him as he is. Of course, it is a difficult situation, but give yourself the time to assimilate this information and manage the situation in a beneficial way.

In time, the love you feel for your son or daughter will overcome any prejudice.

  • Forget what others are saying – If your child is gay, give him all your love. You don’t have to worry about other people’s opinions, even if they are family members. Your child’s “homosexual status” should not be a cause for embarrassment or social pressure. Today, we live in a very diverse world where the stigma attached to homosexuality is gradually being removed.

If your relatives or friends can’t accept the situation, be patient. Each person faces difficulties in his own way and at his own pace.

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Conclusions

You gave life to your child and you must love him unconditionally. Don’t think that you did something wrong in his/ her upbringing and education.

A homosexual person can have the same skills, qualities and defects as a heterosexual person and vice versa.

Homosexuals have the same rights as any of us. First of all, they have the right to a dignified life.

When young people enjoy the support of their parents, they can have a more harmonious life, with a low risk of depression or addiction.

Homosexuality is a normal sexual orientation. Hostile reactions to the news that your child is gay may lead to conflicts in your family or between you and your partner.

Open discussions help to heal the emotional wounds that can occur when you do not know how to handle the situation.

Gradually going through each stage of the acceptance process is a great way to build a positive relationship with your son or daughter.

Make him/her understand that you accept him/her as he/she is. The whole family will win.

If you avoid approaching the subject or pretend that nothing happened, you cause a lot of suffering to your child.

Tell him and prove that you will always love him/her unconditionally because this is the true love, especially that of a parent for his / her child.

If you have any comments, questions or recommendations, do let us know in the comments section!

Recommendations

Exploring the Dimensions of Human Sexuality, by  Jerrold S. Greenberg

Diversity in Couple and Family Therapy: Ethnicities, Sexualities, and Socioeconomics, by Shalonda Kelly

Identities and Inequalities: Exploring the Intersections of Race, Class, Gender, & Sexuality (B&b Sociology) by David Newman 

Just Your Type: Create the Relationship You’ve Always Wanted Using the Secrets of Personality Type, by Paul D. Tieger 

What we recommend for Relationship & LGBTQ issues

Relationship counselling

  • If you are having relationship issues or maybe you are in an abusive relationship then relationship counselling could be your first point of call. Relationship counselling could be undertaken by just you, it does not require more than one person.

LGBTQ issues

If you are dealing with LGBTQ issues then LGBTQ counselling may be a great option for you. Maybe you are confused as to your role and identity or simply need someone to speak to. LGBTQ counsellors are specially trained to assist you in this regard.

References

Homosexuality and the Politics of Truth (1996), by Jeffrey Satinover

Theanatomyoflove.com

Huffpost.com

Asexuality.org

Apa.org

Based on the advice of specialists and psychologists, we have compiled a list of useful recommendations that we advise you to take into account if you find something that is sometimes difficult to accept: your child is gay.

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