In this guide, we will discuss how yelling should not be considered a normal behaviour in a couple, nor should be tolerated, why people may engage in yelling, and How to stop yelling in a relationship through some useful tips.
How to stop yelling in a relationship?
If you are wondering ‘How to stop yelling in a relationship?’ most likely you are experiencing this in your current relationship.
You or your partner may be familiar with that feeling of regret after having an argument.
Most people do, so you are not alone and the idea is to find ways to stop yelling in a relationship since it can negatively impact your relationship
You may have been trapped in an abusive relationship or a marriage without being fully aware of it, a relationship where can’t seem to stop fighting, there is a lot of screaming, perhaps name-calling and crying involved which means communication is almost non-existent.
We know-how yelling is a very relevant topic of discussion within the couple and even though it is not healthy for relationships, the long term effects must be discussed.
As Dr. Magdalena Battles mentions, “A person may acquiesce to a yeller at the moment to get them to stop yelling, but once things get back to normal, they typically revert back, because the yelling hasn’t changed their mindset long term.”
The key term we want you to remember is “mindful” since being aware of the present moment and the emotion (angry) you or your spouse/husband is the right path to stop the yelling.
You (or your partner) may feel at times that yelling is the way to go but the truth is it is not an effective and constructive way of dealing with difficult situations nor will make your partner understand your point of view in the long run.
Moreover, we can see how constantly yelling is a way of controlling and manipulating the other person, which is not healthy at all.
Why do I (or my partner) yell?
If you and/or your partner are constantly engaging in yelling when having an argument or a discussion, there could be various reasons behind it.
It is important you stop for a minute and analyze why you or your partner may be yelling when a difficult situation arises.
Yelling may be an indication of the way you or your partner are used to resolving issues, or the way you have seen people around you (i.e. your mom, dad, or both) resolve difficult situations (modeling).
As Barton Goldsmith indicates, “When a bad habit gets ingrained in your childhood, it may take a little or a lot to change it, but it can be done. The first and most important step is to make the choice to give up your yelling. You need to look at yourself and say internally, “I don’t want to behave this way any longer.” Then, the key is to catch yourself before the loud voice starts to rumble. You need to watch yourself.”
One of the main reasons we could talk about would be having poor coping skills and mechanisms to regulate emotions.
In addition, we could also list how someone can resort to yelling when they feel they have lost control over the situation and are desperately trying to get it back but remember how this is just temporary and not a long term solution.
Another reason why we could resort to yelling is feeling threatened. If your partner is yelling at you, your brain will interpret this as a threatening situation, especially if it comes with aggressive behavior, going into “survival mode”.
Speaking about being aggressive, we could also mention how there are individuals who have aggressive tendencies and they can actually evolve into physical confrontations pretty quick.
What can I do to diffuse a yeller?
First, let’s start by saying how yelling in a relationship should not be tolerated or be included as “normal” behavior in a couple under the premise “every couple fights” or “it is normal to yell when angry” or even worse, “it is my fault my partner yells at me”.
No, yelling in a relationship is not normal and it is the sign that something is wrong and shouldn’t be ignored or overlooked.
Here are some useful tips on how to deal with a yeller and start to change the pattern.
Tip 1: Breathe, stay calm and try not to give in to it
Yes, it is easier just to give in and start yelling when we are feeling a lot of different emotions, especially anger, and things tend to escalate pretty quickly when we let our emotions (anger) lead.
This is why breathing is extremely important, when we feel overwhelmed with emotions and we become aware of what we are feeling instead of fighting it, we can actually use breathing techniques to de-escalate.
Remember it can be difficult to maintain a calm tone of voice when talking to someone who is yelling at your face, but breathing and staying calm is the best way to deal with a yeller.
Tip 2: Put things into perspective
When someone you care about starts yelling at you, it is easy to take things personally and think we may be responsible for their reaction.
Take a step back and pause for a minute, detach yourself emotionally from the situation, and put things into perspective.
Try to put yourself into your partner’s shoes without justifying their behavior, they may be yelling out of frustration or because their message is not being heard.
Empathize and make sure you activate your listening skills.
Tip 3: avoid agreeing just to diffuse the yeller
On many occasions we have made the mistake of apologizing or agreeing to someone’s demands just so they stop yelling, however, reinforcing this behavior is not a long term solution.
Yes, sometimes we may need to apologize if we have done something wrong but always taking the blame is not the solution.
Remember, agreeing all the time will only increase the probability of this behavior (yelling) presenting again more often.
Tip 4: Ask for a break
If you feel the situation is too overwhelming, it is getting out of control or may even get physical, request a break from the person so you can both think and reflect on what just happened.
After you and your partner have used some time to calm down, you can address the situation and find a solution more effectively.
In addition, focus on managing yourself instead of managing your partner. When we try to control other people’s thoughts or their behavior it will only make things worse.
Focus on managing your emotions, your thoughts and your behaviors.
Tip 5: Consider going to couple’s therapy
If you feel the situation keeps getting worse with your partner and you have tried everything already but you feel your relationship keeps deteriorating, make sure to get professional help from a therapist.
It may not be easy to convince your partner of going to therapy or they may even refuse on the ground of “couples have problems all the time”, make sure you reflect on whether it is possible your partner accepts their behavior is ineffective and changes need to be made, working on the communication issues or if you need intervention from someone else.
Why is this blog about How to stop yelling in a relationship important?
When answering how to stop yelling in a relationship, as discussed, yelling at your partner (or being yelled at) shouldn’t be considered a normal type of behavior in a relationship.
Instead, understanding why someone yells or why we yell is the first step in being aware and modifying our behavior when facing difficult situations.
As we mentioned, among the reasons why someone yells are the need of controlling or manipulating, poor coping skills, or if we feel threatened.
Knowing this is extremely useful so we can be aware of our behavior and how we react to certain situations, giving us the opportunity to change it.
Remember breathing is fundamental when we feel anger is leading our behavior which will only make things worse when dealing with a yeller.
Please feel free to leave any comments or thoughts about the content of this article!
Side Note: I have tried and tested various products and services to help with my anxiety and depression. See my top recommendations here, as well as a full list of all products and services our team has tested for various mental health conditions and general wellness.
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs) about How to stop yelling in a relationship
How does yelling affect relationships?
Yelling can negatively impact and affect a relationship.
You should only be loved and respected and yelling demonstrates poor emotional management.
Yelling at your partner can eventually break down your relationship.
Is shouting normal in a relationship?
No, shouting should not be considered normal in a relationship.
Yelling puts a lot of frustration and strain into a relationship, it is not healthy.
In addition, it is not an effective nor constructive way to deal with a difficult situation/argument/discussion.
How do I stop yelling when angry?
If you want to stop yelling when angry you need to remember to breathe slowly and deeply.
Close your eyes for a minute and think about how taking action or decisions while angry has impacted negatively the conversation and ended up hurting others.
Is it ever OK to yell at your spouse?
No, it is never OK to yell at your spouse under any circumstance.
If your spouse yells at you, swears, and calls you names it can be very damaging to your mental health and self-esteem.
It is also toxic if you have children, for them to witness and grow up in that type of environment.
What should you not tolerate in a relationship?
Here is a list of things you should never tolerate in a relationship:
– A disrespectful language such as name-calling, swearing, belittling, etc.
– A possessive and controlling partner.
– Breach of trust.
– A needy partner.
– Feeling like you are not a priority.
– A negative partner.
– Emotionally unavailable.
– Someone who doesn’t listen.
- #WhyAmIYelling? Because…Relationships!: The 5 essentials you need to successfully maintain ALL of the relationships in your life (without yelling)
- 10 Mindful Minutes: Giving our children – and ourselves – the skills to reduce stress and anxiety for healthier, happier lives
- Stop Anxiety from Stopping You: The Breakthrough Program for Conquering Panic and Social Anxiety
- The Power of Now
- The Cow in the Parking Lot: A Zen Approach to Overcoming Anger
What we recommend for Relationship & LGBTQ issues
- If you are having relationship issues or maybe you are in an abusive relationship then relationship counselling could be your first point of call. Relationship counselling could be undertaken by just you, it does not require more than one person.
If you are dealing with LGBTQ issues then LGBTQ counselling may be a great option for you. Maybe you are confused as to your role and identity or simply need someone to speak to. LGBTQ counsellors are specially trained to assist you in this regard.
Battles, M. (n.d.) The Best Way to React When Someone Is Shouting at You in Anger. Retrieved from Lifehack.org.
Goldsmith, B. (2015, Aug.) Want Your Relationship to Work? Give Up Yelling. Retrieved from Psychologytoday.com.
Smith, K. (n.d.) When Anger Becomes Emotional Abuse: How to Control Anger and Frustration in a Relationship. Retrieved from Psycom.net.