How can I communicate better with an avoidant partner?

This article will explain to you what are the best tips for you to communicate better with an avoidant partner.

How can I communicate better with an avoidant partner? 

If you have an avoidant partner, there are some ways you can communicate with them better. Here is what you can do.

Learn more about their attachment style 

If you are in a relationship with an avoidant partner, the first thing you should do is learn more about this attachment style. Knowing that they are people that are often too independent, and that can feel suffocated when people try too hard can give you a better notion of how to behave with them. 

It is also important for you to know that they are people that want to be intimate with their partners, but it can be difficult for them because they fear it. So whenever they feel like it is the moment for them to show themselves, and be vulnerable, they may clam up.

Let them have their space 

Your avoidant partner may be the type of person that will often need their space, and in that, spending time on their own is a big necessity, know that, if at that moment you begin to chase them too much, you may just make them need even more space. 

It may be difficult to be silent and give them this space, but know that this is a necessity that every avoidant will have at some point. So if the two of you are in the middle of an important discussion, and you realize they are closing themselves, you may give them the space, but tell them that you would like to talk about that matter again when it is possible.

How can I communicate better with an avoidant partner?

Try to not take their behavior personally 

When your avoidant partner takes their time away, try to not take it personally. It is not a direct reaction to the discussion the two of you were having, or what you have done. It is their need at this moment, they may not even enjoy it, but they can feel that it is important for them to be by themselves and think about what is happening.

When your avoidant partner is in this process, try to focus on yourself, and what is possible for you to control. You won’t be able to make them communicate, but it is always possible for you to think about, and change how you act when they need space.

Try to soothe yourself before discussing a matter 

Know that confrontation is not something that your avoidant partner will deal well with. So if you feel there is a sensitive topic the two of you need to talk about, make sure that you calm yourself, so you can have this discussion more productively. For that, you may want to take a few deep breaths before starting the conversation.

Try to tell them how you feel in a calm tone 

Dealing with other people’s emotions is also something that is not easy for an avoidant partner. So when talking to them about how you ate feeling try to not sound too emotional. Saying things in a more neutral tone can help you communicate with them better, and it will also make it easier for them to understand how you feel.

How can I communicate better with an avoidant partner?

Be careful with the language you use 

In the same way as being too emotional, when talking to your avoidant partner about how you feel, be careful to not be too aggressive. Being in a relationship with an avoidant partner comes with its share of difficulties, but calling them names won’t help anything. 

Keep in mind that deep down avoidants are people that have low self-esteem, and when they are criticized they may not handle it so well and take it all too personally. So instead of going after them for their behaviors, you may want to speak about how you feel.

Tell them directly, and in detail what you want 

Understanding the underline of things is not easy for avoidant partners. So if you want something from them it is important that you tell them as clearly, and detailed as it is possible. Giving them the proper instructions will allow them to know how to behave, and be a better partner to you.

Have boundaries 

As with any other relationship, you and your avoidant partner must have your boundaries set. Knowing what is unacceptable for each of you, and what doesn’t please you is a key factor for any relationship to work, and that doesn’t exclude a relationship with an avoidant partner. 

Be open to compromise 

Again, as with any relationship, people must learn to compromise. The two of you may have different views of how a relationship should work, and how the communication should be done, but finding a way that suits both of you is important so the relationship can be a healthy one, and resentment doesn’t take control of your relationship.

Let them know when they are doing well 

If after a conversation you notice that your avoidant partner is doing the work, and trying to deal with the things the two of you have talked about, you must let them know that you see their effort and that you value it. It is not only about feeling appreciated, but also recognized, and valued as a partner.

Listen to what they have to say 

Since dealing with feelings is never easy for an avoidant partner, if you notice that your avoidant partner is opening up, and talking about their feelings with you, make sure that you listen to them, and show them what they are saying important to you. Asking questions, and making comments will often let them know you are listening.

Understand and accept who they are 

If you are in a relationship with an avoidant partner you should always have in mind who they are, and their traits. Trying to change them, or expecting something from them that they can’t give you will only lead to resentment and heartbreak. Learn to choose your battles, and learn what can, and can’t be changed in the way your partner relates. 

Be supportive

An avoidant partner may have a lot of trouble opening themselves to a relationship, but if they realize you got their back, and you are supportive, it is likely that little by little they will open themselves up to you.

Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ): How can I communicate better with an avoidant partner? 

How can I make an avoidant chase me?

If you want to make an avoidant chase, there are some things you can do. First of all, you should refrain from chasing them. And if it is possible, try to always keep an aura of mystery around you.

It is important to know that the waiting game usually works with the avoidant person. You should be able to just lay back, and wait for the avoidance to chase you. Aside from that, they will often appreciate it if you can give them space, so being patient is extremely important.

Never rush the avoidant partner, since that can make them feel shattered. Instead consider disappearing from social media, as it will add up to the mystery that was said before. Focusing on making yourself look good, and desirable to the avoidant partner is also important in getting them to chase you.

Finally, make sure that when you are close you use your body language to let them know you are interested, and focus on boosting their ego, but not too much.

How do I know an avoidant loves me?

An avoidant partner will show they love you differently. They likely feel like that if they are ready to be vulnerable with you and love your PDAs that aren’t necessarily verbal. They love you when they also use nonverbal communication to display affection, and when they encourage you to have your own space.

An avoidant is likely in love with you when they are making the effort to connect and listen to you. Aside from that, they love you when they make the first move, and want to get intimate with you. It can feel like they are addicted to you and make a point of presenting you to the people in their life.

Will an avoidant miss me if I am gone?

This all depends on how connected the avoidance person is to you. If they are interested in you, but just need some space, as they often do, once you give them that, they can begin to chase you, and try to get you back.

But if you are giving space to an avoidant that wasn’t that interested in you anymore, chances are that with the passing of the days they will begin to rearrange their life without you. In that case, they won’t miss you, or even try to get some attention from you again.

What should I do when an avoidant pushes me away?

When avoidance is pushing you away, the first thing you can do is ask them if there is any way you can help them with whatever they are going through. Make a point of assuring the person that you are there, but try to not give over-reassurance.

This can be suffocating, and push the person further away. It is also important that you work on your patience when the person pushes you away, so you can identify if it is a matter with you, or if the person is pushing everyone away. When it seems that is something personal, you may want to assess if this is a relationship you still want to be in.

How can I make an avoidant feel safe?

There are some ways you can make an avoidance feel safe. First of all, you should try to identify if they are an avoidant person, and what type of person they are. Aside from that, you should focus on showing them that you accept them for who they are.

Listening to what they have to say, and being there when they need you to show them you are someone they can count on. If you communicate your needs to them and make a point of asking them what their needs are, that also shows them this is a safe space.

An avoidant will also know they are safe with you if you can give them their space, and can calmly manifest your emotions. Doing fun things together, and giving them praise is also a way to show them that you are trustworthy.


This article showed you what are the best ways for you to communicate with an avoidant partner.

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