Does love find you when you least expect it?
As a BetterHelp affiliate, we may receive compensation from BetterHelp if you purchase products or services through the links provided.
Author bio
The Optimistminds editorial team is made up of psychologists, psychiatrists and mental health professionals. Each article is written by a team member with exposure to and experience in the subject matter. The article then gets reviewed by a more senior editorial member. This is someone with extensive knowledge of the subject matter and highly cited published material.
In this article, we tell you everything you should know about letting love find you. We also give you 8 reasons not to give up on love, especially when you are extremely lonely and desperate.
Does love find you when you least expect it?
Only when we are comfortable with ourselves do we realize that love is not sought but appears at the least expected moment.
Surely you have heard on more than one occasion that love is not sought. However, time passes, the movies and people around you ask “How you still don’t have a partner?“, And you end up feeling tremendous anxiety about not having that special person in your life.
It is important that you do not feel offended by this and be aware that people are acting according to their own beliefs.
At a cultural level, we believe that to be happy you have to have a partner and start a family. There are many things that dictate us as absolute truths; However, we have to start seeing them from other prisms so that they do not affect us or condition our lives.
Having a partner can become an obsession and love is not sought, it is found.
The question mentioned above is why people say you shouldn’t look for love.
Love is not searched on the internet
Love is not sought on the internet, on networks like Bumble or on mobile applications like Tinder. Although there are couples who have come out of contact through the internet, you have to ask yourself why this has happened like this.
There are several reasons why we can interact with others through the internet:
- We have low self-esteem and we believe that we will not know anyone because they will never notice us in real life. There are other more attractive people.
- We are embarrassed or shy and social networks give us a boost of courage in which we dare to speak through writing, feeling more loose.
- Because of work or because we cannot go out with our friends as much as we would like, our option to meet people is only through the Internet.
We are so desperate to find someone and we want to find them right now that we go to the internet, an environment that immediately satisfies our desires.
As we can see, affection is not found on the internet. When someone says they are “looking for love,” they are deceiving themselves. He is not looking for love, he is looking for a partner and all that this entails. Therefore, you will never know if the other is with you because he really likes you, or because you are his least bad option of having someone with whom to go to the movies or on vacation.
You are a human being and, as such, you deserve to be loved as a matter of choice, not a matter of need.
Love will appear when you least expect it
It is proven that the more desperate we are, the more those possible couples that we are looking at seem to move away. Do you remember the times you have been in a relationship and how you suddenly became attractive to others?
This happens because then you were calm and sure of yourself and, therefore, people were attracted to you. Something that does not happen if you are desperate.
That is why it is important that, although we do not believe that love appears by itself, we trust that it does. In the gym, the supermarket queue, the agency, a coworker …
Everything is possible. The world is full of infinite possibilities that we don’t trust. Love is not under any kind of anxiety or despair.
So we will only hit face to face with people that we will end up not curdling.
Don’t be afraid to be alone
Love is not found if you are afraid of being alone. A panic that the society and the time in which we live has been in charge of installing very well in our minds and that prevents us from being happy.
Nothing happens to be alone. Nothing happens if that person does not appear. The greatest well-being comes from peace with oneself, from having a strong emotional support network (a family that loves you, good friends) and from achieving goals throughout life that have little to do with a partner.
If you do not know how to be with yourself, if you are afraid of loneliness, you must know that love is not found in someone but is within you. Searching other people for what you think you lack will only generate anxiety and misery.
Love yourself and pamper yourself. You deserve it.
3 myths about “romantic love” that you should know
Having ideals regarding love is a healthy thing since it helps us define what we really want and what we are or are not willing to accept or allow.
Romantic love. To say that it is an absolute falsehood and a product created by cinema and literature would, without a doubt, be a mistake. Sincere love exists, and romanticism is an undeniable part of that process of seduction and attraction between two people.
However, within this label there are often ideas that are not entirely true and, even more, concepts that can be very toxic are added, such as the sense of mutual dependence and absolute devotion. Let’s talk about it today. We are sure that you will find it interesting.
Many of us have a “romantic ideal” in our minds, that is, a series of ideas about what we expect from a perfect couple: understanding, affection, sense of humour, empathy, good communication, respect … Having all these ideals is, without a doubt, something healthy, since it helps us define what we really want and what we are not willing to accept or allow.
However, sometimes we get too carried away by the image of that romantic love that can do everything. A type of love very “sold” throughout literature and cinema, which instils in us concepts that, at times, can be very dangerous. We give you some very illustrative examples:
Love is eternal
When we fall in love with a person we need to think that this feeling, that love, will last forever. We do not mean that this idea is false. Absolutely. What we must be clear about is that love is built day by day and moment by moment.
Never force yourself to think that the relationship you have now should be forever. No one can guarantee us eternal happiness, so it is best to think of the “here and now.” Are you feeling good about your partner right now? That’s what matters.
Making commitments is necessary. It helps us reaffirm the bond with the person we love and offers us security. Now, not all relationships last forever and we must be prepared for it. If we focus our lives around that person with absolute devotion, we risk losing our self-esteem.
If at some point our partner fails us, we will see how the world falls apart. So take care of yourself too. Have your own personal space, your career, your friends. Enjoy your “world” together with the “world” of your partner.
Love requires total and absolute commitment
Here we have another danger associated with the classic image of “romantic love.” The woman is always that figure capable of giving up everything for the loved one, someone who gives everything in exchange for nothing for her partner.
We must remember that healthy love is one where both parties invest equally in this commitment.
There is delivery on both sides, but the integrity and individuality of each one are also respected. There are trust and respect. They are couples who know how to form a team and do not completely “absorb” each other’s identity.
Never think that love asks nothing in return. In a relationship we must expect many things, we want to be offered respect, happiness, and affection. We want to be valued as people and to be able to grow as a couple.
Jealousy is a sign of love
Being jealous is normal, but like everything, there is a limit. I can feel jealous because I have a commitment to my partner and I would not like to see him in the arms of another person. However, I trust him and we lead a normal life where we establish agreements and calmly discuss any concerns. This would be an example of that healthy jealousy that we can all feel sometimes.
However, it is frequent that within the label of “romantic love” the other person is considered as a possession and, therefore, jealousy is a trigger for situations that are both toxic and dangerous.
When your partner forces you to dress in a certain way so that men do not notice you, it is not a sign of love. They are jealousy and it is domination. It is a way to cancel yourself.
If your partner is obsessed with knowing where you are at all times and prevents you from having your time and friends, she is not showing you “romantic love.” Unlike it. You will be living a toxic relationship where every day, unhappiness will surround you with its suffering. So avoid it.
Romantic love almost always contains very unhealthy dimensions within it. Remember that authentic love, the healthiest, is one that does not dominate, that does not put up walls, that does not drown you. Live a full life with a partner who knows how to listen to you and respect you, where you can both grow as a couple and also individually, enriching yourself every day and at every moment. It is much healthier!
Conclusions
In this article, we told you everything you should know about letting love find you. We also gave you a few significant reasons not to give up on love, especially when you are extremely lonely and desperate.
Only when we are comfortable with ourselves do we realize that love is not sought but appears at the least expected moment.
Many of us have a “romantic ideal” in our minds, that is, a series of ideas about what we expect from a perfect couple: understanding, affection, sense of humour, empathy, good communication, respect … Having all these ideals is, without a doubt, something healthy, since it helps us define what we really want and what we are not willing to accept or allow.
If you have any comments or questions on the subject, please let us know!
FAQ on Does love find you when you least expect it
Is searching for love bad?
Searching for love can be bad, as this will become your main focus, instead of on focusing on your own needs and wellbeing. You find true love by chance and when you least expect it. True love takes you by surprise, and it slowly prepares you. It teaches you to survive, to resist trials, torments and storms. Don’t waste your energy for anything and don’t bother.
Why shouldn’t you look for a relationship?
You shouldn’t look for a relationship because you don’t know when the ideal person can appear. Maybe that day is today or the next week, maybe you should wait a few more years. But the wait is worth it because when it comes it will be a perfect time.
Should I search for love or wait?
You shouldn’t either search or wait for love. Pay attention to those around you, to the landscape, change your routine. Give yourself more time and more attention. Periodically ask yourself what you would like to do, try, practice or simply change in your life. And love will find you.
How do I stop being desperate for love?
To stop being desperate for love, you need to start loving yourself more. The despair for somebody else’s love is usually a sign that we do not appreciate ourselves enough, that we do not see the good in ourselves, that we do not believe we deserve the best partner.
Why are people so desperate for love?
People are desperate for love for various reasons. Some people are afraid of being lonely, they do not know how not to be in a relationship. But most of the time, people are desperate for love because they have an inner void that they’d rather have filled with external love than actually making the effort of living themselves.
Further reading
How to Find Love (Essay Books), by The School of Life
He’s Just Not Your Type (And That’s a Good Thing): How to Find Love Where You Least Expect It, Andrea Syrtash
I Had a Nice Time And Other Lies…: How to Find Love & Sh*t Like That, by Betches
Own Life: How to Show Up with Confidence and Take Control of the Future, by Todd Eden
How to Win Friends and Influence People, by Dale Carnegie
References
Lifehack.org – Why You Only Find Love When You Stop Looking For It
Greatist.com -How to Stop Feeling Desperate When You’re Single
Tinybuddha.com – Love Shows Up When You Do
Medium.com – Do You Find Love or Does Love Find You?
