Why am I so desperate for someone to love me?
By
OptimistMinds
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Author bio
The Optimistminds editorial team is made up of psychologists, psychiatrists and mental health professionals. Each article is written by a team member with exposure to and experience in the subject matter. The article then gets reviewed by a more senior editorial member. This is someone with extensive knowledge of the subject matter and highly cited published material.
In this article, we will answer the following question: Why am I so desperate for someone to love me? We will mainly talk about the consequences of being desperate for love, and what can you do in order to not look so desperate.
Why am I so desperate for someone to love me?
There are many people who would admit to being “desperate” for love at some time in their lives because loneliness is sometimes unbearable. This feeling of being lonely is what leads us into bad relationships because we are so alone.
It’s been a while since “until death do us part” was left behind, not only because now marriage is no longer the toll you have to go through to live together, but also because, as a concept, couples already don’t feel compelled to live together.
This makes many reach an age above thirty without a partner and many see that time passes and they begin to despair, entering a vicious circle that is quite devastating: being desperate to find a partner is the worst thing to find a partner.
For someone to love you, you first need to love that person. This what many people say and argue about. Therefore, learn How to love someone so in the future, they can love you too.
Vicious circle
So, you start to get impatient. You begin to doubt yourself, your ability to like someone, you see that time passes, months, years, and you still do not find your ideal partner (or a partner). Then you start to despair and enter a vicious circle in which, the more desperate, the more difficult it is for you to find a partner and the more difficult you have it, the more desperate you are.
What’s the problem with losing patience?
A relationship, if it is intended to be serious, implies a time to get to know each other, to stay, to spend time together, to open up sentimentally to the other person, to seek happiness through sharing time and space with the other, etc.
Come on, it is not like going to the supermarket and hesitating between buying strawberry or banana yoghurts, but something much more important. We can make mistakes, but it’s worth trying to hit the shot because all failed relationships leave a more or less painful mark.
When you lose patience, when you start to despair, you doubt yourself, your abilities, your ability to please and start feeling rejected and unloved. This affects self-esteem and makes the person try to modify his behaviour, his way of being, to do something different and try to get closer by projecting another image of himself.
Change is not bad, either. There are people who have had to change many things to be more sociable, pleasant, close, friendly, positive, etc., but changing is not always easy, and sometimes responds only to an attempt to hide what you do not want to show: the wolf in sheep’s clothing that we now know as “the shepherd”.
You stop being yourself
And this is how one stops being oneself, behaving in an unreal way, often incongruous. You meet another person and you do the possible and the impossible to please him, you show him what he wants to see and you tell him what he wants to hear, but it is not you, but the character you have created to please.
Without being yourself, you run the risk of contradicting yourself: one day give him an opinion, wanting to show personality (because people usually like that the other has a bit clear ideas), and another argues the contrary just because he is the one who is closer to his way of thinking.
And feeling it very much, the alter ego that many people create has a very limited life because it is exhausting to maintain them and because there always comes a point where the real personality struggles to get out, and then everything falls into chaos. That chaos that ends in a “Figure it out, and when you have clarified what you feel or what you want, call me … and we’ll see.”
It is widely assumed that men develop feelings and get attracted to a girl very quickly. When a woman feels this way, she starts to worry and questions Why do i catch feelings as fast a guy? To put a halt to your worry and for your understanding, it is important to know that developing feelings like these are very normal and not gender specific.
Making a mistake
Who hunts more and better, the one who waits patiently for hours until he finds his prey, bringing down only when he knows he has an accurate target or the one who shoots insanely at the slightest movement?
Perhaps the second will one day have a lucky break and get prey with so much hitting, but surely the first hunts better because he knows what he wants and what he must do to get it.
When looking for a partner, as I have said before, we must know how to wait and choose the person we believe can make us happy, and for this, we have to be at a vital moment in which we know who we are and what we want.
If we are in a state of despair, we do not even know who we are, because as I have said, we begin to pretend to be someone else, nor do we know very well what we want, because we reached a point where it seems more important to have a partner than the couple itself.
Come on, you can kill the first person who passed by and be lucky that it is a great success, with the risk that, most likely, it is a great mistake. Yes, you will have a partner, but maybe there are more things about her that you dislike than things you like, maybe you hardly have anything in common, maybe there are more reasons to be separated than to be together …
and despair can lead you to say that of “better known bad than good to know” or “better a bird in hand, than a hundred flying”. Come on, the desire to have a partner can lead us to commit the stupidity of being with someone with whom we are not happy.
The risk of us ending relationships
Another situation that can occur when one enters a state of despair is that of the conviction that we do not really have a partner, nor have we had one in a long time, because of ourselves.
Our way of being, our unattractive physique (it does not matter if this is not true … it is the image that one creates of oneself), our humour, our lack of enthusiasm, … whatever, or everything in general, they make us feel incapable of being loved, that we do not deserve a partner, that we start a relationship and that we are clear that it will soon end because we are not made to be happy as a couple.
And we believe in it so much that in the end we don’t have a partner, or they don’t last long, not because of what we think we are, but because of what we do or don’t do when we get a partner.
It is what in psychology is known as “self-fulfilling prophecy“: I think I am incapable of having a partner, that my relationships will always end badly, and with my behaviour and way of being I end up making it happen.
But how? How do you make it happen? Well, in many ways … losing the illusion for the relationship when it has been a while because you know that you will not end up together, deliberately cooling it to avoid suffering, not opening too emotionally, etc.
In short, not doing your part for a relationship that could be pleasant and lasting, simply because you believe that it will soon end, without taking into account that you are the cause of it ending.
But if you open up, it hurts
It is true, to open yourself sentimentally is to expose yourself, it is to let your life and your feelings enter another person, and you do the same towards them. And when that does not go well the pain is greater, but without love, there is no relationship, and without trust, without putting that at risk, life as a couple is meaningless.
So be patient, calm down, and don’t lose your temper. If you do not find a partner, anxiety and despair will not help you. Yes, you may find a partner, but it will not necessarily be the best option and you will, probably, at the risk of not even being yourself.
It’s worth waiting, and in the meantime, finding hobbies and friends with whom to fill your free time so that you continue to grow as a person, and so that you can be happy through it all. So, with the security of those who feel good about themselves, with the ability to please and love those who take care of their friends, you can find a partner without losing your identity.
One should know of ways on how to deal with a desperate person, in case you encounter one in life.
FAQ on Why am I so desperate for someone to love me
How do I stop being desperate for love?
To stop being desperate for love, you need to start loving yourself more. The despair for somebody else’s love is usually a sign that we do not appreciate ourselves enough, that we do not see the good in ourselves, that we do not believe we deserve the best partner.
Why are people so desperate for love?
People are desperate for love for various reasons. Some people are afraid of being lonely, they do not know how not to be in a relationship. But most of the time, people are desperate for love because they have an inner void that they’d rather have filled with external love than actually making the effort of living themselves.
Is it okay to be desperate love?
It is not exactly okay to be desperate for love, as it is a sign that you are willing to lose yourself in your relationship. You do not have the patience to meet the right person for yourself, you’d be with anyone other than being alone.
Why is being desperate a turn-off?
Being desperate is a turn-off as these types of people usually hurry to get in the wrong relationships. They do not have the time to get to know the other person, they don’t actually care about their partner. They just don’t want to be alone anymore.
Is it good to be desperate?
It is not good to be desperate, nor bad. Being desperate is a sign that you should take more care of yourself. People are not usually attracted to desperate people. So, put yourself first, take care of your needs, and the right person will come along.
How do you not look desperate?
You do not look desperate when you show confidence, when you are not clingy and dependent on the other person to text, call or to go out. A confident person puts their needs first and it is not afraid of letting go what no longer serves them.
Conclusions
In this article, we answered the following question: Why am I so desperate for someone to love me? We mainly talked about the consequences of being desperate for love, and what can you do in order to not look so desperate.
A relationship, if it is intended to be serious, implies a time to get to know each other, to stay, to spend time together, to open up sentimentally to the other person, to seek happiness through sharing time and space with the other, etc.
When looking for a partner, as I have said before, we must know how to wait and choose the person we believe can make us happy, and for this, we have to be at a vital moment in which we know who we are and what we want.
If we are in a state of despair, we do not even know who we are, because as I have said, we begin to pretend to be someone else, nor do we know very well what we want, because we reached a point where it seems more important to have a partner than the couple itself.
If you have any questions or comments on the content, please let us know!
References
Lifehack.org – Why You Only Find Love When You Stop Looking For It
Greatist.com -How to Stop Feeling Desperate When You’re Single
Yourtango.com – 9 Signs You’re Hangry For Love
