11+ signs that you are a demisexual
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The Optimistminds editorial team is made up of psychologists, psychiatrists and mental health professionals. Each article is written by a team member with exposure to and experience in the subject matter. The article then gets reviewed by a more senior editorial member. This is someone with extensive knowledge of the subject matter and highly cited published material.
A demisexual is an individual who does not feel sexual attraction to someone unless there is a strong emotional connection with that person.
Reading this definition, do you think that you are also a demisexual person? We’ve identified 12 signs that might tell you this.
What are “demisexuals” and how do you know if you are one?
Have you ever watched your friends hang out and kiss strangers in the club and you thought you just couldn’t do that? If so, you may be demisexual.
The term “demisexual” appeared in 2008 on The Asexual Visibility and Education Network (AVEN) but became increasingly popular as more and more people identified with this type of sexual behaviour.
Many people think that they are only very pretentious when it comes to choosing sexual partners before they find out what demisexuality is.
Being demisexual does not mean having a low libido, it is not about sex, but about being sexually attracted to someone.
Demisexuals avoid physical and intimate contact before meeting a person.
Many people of all sexualities notice that the attraction to someone increases with the discovery of personality and mutual knowledge, but for demisexuals, it is not about the physical appearance at all.
This does not mean that they cannot appreciate when someone looks good, only that the physical appearance does not ignite any sexual desire in them.
For them, these feelings develop over time, but once they appear, they are worth the wait.
12 signs that you are a demisexual
Demisexuality is on the border between sexuality and asexuality, bringing a new dimension to the way sex and sexual attraction are perceived.
Experts describe demisexuality as that state of sexuality that is manifested by a person’s resistance (or even repulsion) to being sexually attracted to someone without first establishing a strong emotional connection.
If I made you curious and you think you could fit into this definition, here are some signs that probably indicate that you are a demisexual person:
- You don’t throw yourself into a relationship until you establish a solid friendship. For you, the most important thing is to see your partner as a good friend, therefore you consider that before getting involved in a romantic relationship there must be a strong emotional interaction and an emotional connection.
- You don’t necessarily feel excited about having sex. Some people are aroused by the thought of having sex with someone they find attractive. This is not your case at all!
For you, sex is simply a physical manifestation of something that already exists, something more important, more consistent and, why not?!, Nobler.
For you, sex is the result of this strong emotional connection and not the path to it.
- You find it much more seductive to sleep with someone than to make love to that person. You simply love the idea of establishing a physical closeness through more subtle physical gestures, such as hugs and gradual intimacy.
- That’s why you just want to sleep next to someone and nothing more.
- The idea of a one night stand simply terrifies you. Or it makes you repulsed. You can’t understand how people find pleasure in something that doesn’t involve a touch of emotion, and it’s just a physical act that satisfies some primary needs, and then leaves the scene without turning their head.
- It’s hard for you to understand your friends when it comes to love and sex. Your so niche approach to relationships does not allow you to understand your friends too easily.
- You fail to conceive how they can be so easily caught in interactions that involve only sex, physical desire and nothing more when everything in you has to be loaded with meanings and feelings.
- Sex doesn’t seem so important to you. For you, a relationship has nothing to do with sex: sexual intercourse is just the result that does not necessarily have to happen too often.
The idea that some people cannot imagine their relationship without active sex life is totally foreign to you.
You may as well have a relationship that does not involve the sexual part, and that would not be a problem for you at all.
- A person’s personality incites you more than the way they look. Someone’s personality is what makes him beautiful in your eyes. It doesn’t matter if that person has the face of an angel if his mind and emotional side do not satisfy you. If that person does not know how to initiate and have a smart conversation if he does not know how to show his emotions, for you, he is simply unattractive.
- To please someone is a really important thing for you. It is difficult for you to be interested in a person because you like to look deeper into that person’s mind and soul and once you do that it is not a small thing for you. The authentic connection is what has value in your eyes.
- You are not afraid to get involved. If you have reached the point where you have a relationship with someone, you are willing to get fully involved and not go halfway. For you, this way of being in the engine of any consistent relationship and you do not conceive that there are alternatives.
- Meaningful conversations give you an almost euphoric state. Smart conversations, the active connection you make with a person, the ease with which you maintain that connection, the way your ideas are chained – that’s what makes you feel absolutely amazing! For you, such an interaction is much more important than sex.
- You don’t wind up after flirting. For you, flirting is not a way to approach a potential partner. You don’t go out looking for potential partners in bars and clubs, you don’t work on dating applications, and your relationships are the result of friends who grow and evolve organically in something more.
- You (almost) never watch adult movies. This kind of production without any emotional value does not arouse you in any way. You just can’t understand how two people can get involved in a sexual relationship without first establishing some kind of emotional connection.
The chemistry of a couple is based on these personality traits
In the early stages of a relationship, even the most fleeting touch or shortest eye contact is enough to transmit some kind of electricity throughout your body. And that’s what we used to call ‘chemistry’ between two people or ‘spark’.
But is there a scientific explanation for what we call chemistry between two people?
It seems that there are studies that say that the elements that make up this ‘chemistry’ (a notion difficult to define and therefore difficult to explain, but easy to detect) are mutual interest, sincerity, the quality of making yourself pleasant, resemblance and physical attraction.
The more these qualities are present in the two partners, the greater the chances that they will perceive chemistry more strongly in their interaction.
In particular, in romantic relationships, the most important characteristics of chemistry between two people have been associated with mutual interest, resemblance and intimacy.
But chemistry is also about the receptivity of each individual at the right time. In other words, chemistry “happens” when both partners are open to the experience.
There is no magnetism or ease of establishing a connection if one of the two is in a hurry, nervous or already involved in a serious and meaningful romantic relationship for him at that time (people involved in stable and lasting relationships tend not to grant attention to potential alternative partners – a concept known in psychology as ‘derogation of alternatives’).
So what are the chances of having chemistry in your own interactions? Scroll through the list below to find out!
1. Mutual interest
Mutual interest presupposes compatibility when it comes to the sense of humour, but also to consider the other an interesting individual.
Humour plays a very important role in building a connection and arouses enthusiasm for future interactions. Basically, when you’re not in the other person’s presence, you think about him and can’t wait to see him again.
2. Sincerity
Mutual sincerity is manifested through easy communication, a sense of trust and the fact that your feelings are understood in interaction or relationship. Sincerity means not only communicating the truth (without cosmetics) but also without any shadow of discomfort.
Basically, when you can communicate honestly, it means you can do it without fear of being judged.
3. The quality of making yourself liked by the other
The quality of making yourself pleasant translates into human warmth, kindness, consideration and understanding, manifested in interaction and meant to intensify the attraction between two individuals.
If both partners are authentic, down to earth, empathetic and attentive, then it is very possible that there is chemistry between them.
4. Intimacy
Intimacy combines both sincerity and the quality of making yourself liked by the other.
When intimacy is present in a relationship, the two feel that they can talk about anything, that there are no taboo subjects, that they can trust their partner, whom they consider a sincere interlocutor, anchored in reality, balanced.
5. The resemblance
Not to be confused with physical resemblance, this trait refers to compatibility on certain essential levels, such as values, moral principles, beliefs and goals considered by the two important in life.
These similarities are relatively stable and reflect who a person really is. It is unlikely that a relationship will last between two people who are not compatible on these levels, these attributes actually dictating how people live their lives.
6. Physical attraction
Last but not least, physical attraction refers to the perception of the other as sexually attractive. You may be surprised to learn that, on a subconscious level, we also choose our friends on the principle of physical attractiveness, so that we can attract potential partners with their help.
It is known that many times, friends facilitate romantic relationships, thus explaining why we prefer to have good-looking friends: to increase our chances to meet, through them, romantic partners, just as good-looking.
Conclusions
In this blog post, we talked about what it means to be a demisexual. We also highlighted the important qualities that are responsible for the chemistry between two people.
Experts describe demisexuality as that state of sexuality that is manifested by a person’s resistance (or even repulsion) to being sexually attracted to someone without first establishing a strong emotional connection.
Reading this definition, do you think that you are also a demisexual person? We’d love to know what you think, so do not hesitate to contact us if you have a question or a comment on the content!
Further reading
Exploring the Dimensions of Human Sexuality, by Jerrold S. Greenberg
References
Asexuality.org
Medicalnewstoday.com
Wiki.asexuality.org
