How much control do you have over your mental health?

AIBU (59 signs you are)

In this brief guide, we will discuss AIBU and 59 signs that you are.

AIBU (59 signs you are)

AIBU stands for “Am I being Unreasonable?”, and it is a slang that originated from the parenting website MumsNet. If you are wondering whether you are being unreasonable, here are some signs that you are, and if you do these things too, you probably are being unreasonable:

  1. Providing too many reasons 
  2. Making up excuses
  3. Being argumentative
  4. Not listening to what the other person has to say
  5. Being fixed on what you want
  6. Being rigid 
  7. Finding fault with everything
  8. Making things difficult
  9. Thinking you are always right
  10. Disagreeing with others all the time
  11. Not able to justify your points
  12. Complaining about everything 
  13. Not being happy no matter what happens
  14. Feeling like everyone is out to get you
  15. Feeling like nothing goes your way
  16. Not wanting to deal with others
  17. Unable to listen to others
  18. Asking others if you are being unreasonable
  19. Not being willing to consider other perspectives
  20. Shutting the conversation down
  21. Lying to prove your point
  22. Arguing even after you have said what you thought
  23. Yelling and screaming
  24. Crying frequently without explaining why
  25. Thinking you are a victim
  26. Taking your frustration out on others for no reason
  27. Your loved ones are afraid to tell you things
  28. Your friends tiptoe around you
  29. Your children are avoiding you
  30. People give up too easily in conversations with you
  31. Being unable to think of your mistakes
  32. Feeling like you are always right
  33. Being afraid to be proven wrong
  34. Talking about the same thing over and over
  35. Not being able to leave the topic alone
  36. Finding new things to argue about
  37. Being unhappy about life in general
  38. Wanting to change people around you
  39. Wanting to change your environment all the time
  40. Finding flaws with people
  41. Never finding flaws with yourself
  42. Being unable to let go 
  43. Being unable to relax
  44. Focusing on what is wrong but not on what is right
  45. Everything bothers you
  46. Your values are different from everyone else
  47. You can’t relate to anyone around you
  48. You vent but don’t listen to others
  49. You can’t comfort others when you’re angry
  50. You can’t prioritize others
  51. You’re not on the same page as others
  52. You think everyone is selfish
  53. Others constantly say you’re being selfish
  54. You need to be involved in everything
  55. You are overly critical of everything
  56. You take work stress out on others
  57. You listen to people who validate you
  58. You’re insecure
  59. You can’t stay focused on the needs of others.

While these 59 signs that you are being unreasonable can apply to a variety of situations, the fact is that if you found yourself asking “Am I being unreasonable?” in the first place, you probably weren’t, because someone who is in fact being unreasonable will probably not realize that they are.

Furthermore, when people are unreasonable, they may find that they are not able to focus on what they are doing long enough to actually fix that behavior, because they may find that they only care about what they want.

Let us discuss some signs to answer the question “Am I being Unreasonable?” in detail below.

Listening to other people’s perspective: Am I being unreasonable? No

When you are able to listen to other people’s perspectives and consider their points of view, even when you are arguing with them, it means that you are not being unreasonable.

The truly unreasonable people are the ones who argue for the sake or proving themselves right and making sure their points of view hold higher than others’, and if you are not doing that, you don’t need to worry about it.

Arguing because I’m Right: Am I being Unreasonable? Yes.

When you argue because you want to express your opinion, you are doing the right thing, but the minute you start arguing because you think, or know that you are right, it means that you are probably being unreasonable, because you are going into it with the idea that you need to win.

When you start an argument with the thinking that you are right, you stop even considering the other person’s point of view, and it starts being something that you need to prove, at which point you are being unreasonable because, very simply, you cannot be reasoned with.

Providing rationale for Arguments: Am I being Unreasonable? No

While making excuses or giving reasons for nearly everything you do may be considered to be a sign that you are being unreasonable, telling someone what you are arguing about and calmly explaining your reasons for doing something is not a sign that you are being unreasonable.

People may say you are being unreasonable if you are always ready with an excuse, because it may look like you have already thought about what you want to do and are backing that up with all sorts of reasons, but expressing your reasons for doing something while at the same time also listening to what the other person is saying is not a sign that you are being unreasonable.

Threatening to end a relationship: Am I being Unreasonable? Yes!

This is the worst one, but if you threaten to end a relationship, especially when you don’t mean it, you are being very unreasonable, because you are basically trying to extort agreement out of the other person by telling them that they will be punished if they don’t agree.

The justified response to any argument is to listen to the other person and take time off for consideration if need be, but when threats of leaving start making an appearance, yes, you are in fact being unreasonable.

Consider this quote from an expert on the matter of relationships and being unreasonable:

“Even in the very best of relationships, none of us is always going to get what we need. If you spend your time threatening to leave your partner, how can they ever grow to trust that it isn’t always going to be about you and your needs? Someone who genuinely loves their partner is going to be mature enough and have enough self-awareness to know that it is extremely hurtful to threaten to abandon someone we love just because we don’t get our way.”

Able to forgive and forget: Am I being Unreasonable? No!

If you are able to forgive people who have wronged you or slighted you in some way, you are not being unreasonable at all, and you are completely justified in whatever argument you had gotten into with them.

The ability to forgive and forget is something that only mature, reasonable people can have, which means that you are very much not being unreasonable.

Am I being Unreasonable (AIBU)

Am I being unreasonable or AIBU, is a forum on the website Mumsnet, as mentioned previously, and there are some stories and topics on this forum which basically ask others if the poster is being unreasonable, and there are many insights from people on these.

Some of the Am I being Unreasonable stories are given below with the best responses on the post.

(AIBU) Am I being Unreasonable? Story 1

This post on AIBU, or Am I being Unreasonable, asks if the person is being unreasonable by not buying a gift for their stepson. Here are the details:

“It was my Godson birthday two weeks ago. I bought him a lovely jacket from Next. It was the type I see him wear. I bought him at age 11 as even though he isn’t a big child for his age Next in my mind is small fitting and rather bigger than smaller. I ordered online and then wrapped and messaged his mum to say his gift was their porch. I didn’t hear anything. Then this morning I received a card from him. It said “ thank you for the present that didn’t Fit ! I am 10 not 11 OK!!!!!! “

That was it. I was shocked to be honest. Must have read the card over and over again.

His mum has not said anything to me. I could have exchanged it.

His mum must have sent the card though surely. ?? whether she knew wot was written I don’t know.

I have said to my DH I am not buying a Christmas gift. DH said he is a child and not to get wound up. WWYD?”

These are two of the best responses on the post:

“You need to have a word with his parents. Either they are unaware he sent that card and need to have a discussion with him about it, or they do know and you need to have a discussion with them about being rude idiots.”

“He’s 10yo, he’s still learning the complexities of social interactions and I think many of us can remember instances from childhood where we got it wrong. Its likely his mum gave him the card to write and then posted it but didn’t check what he had written so mention it to her in a non-confrontational way – “godson let me know his jacket didn’t fit because he’s ten not eleven, I was sorry to hear that” – and see what she says. I think it would be mean spirited to not get him a Christmas gift over a small issue like this, in my house this would involve a correction/discussion on why it was rude and I’d expect an policy but I wouldn’t give a punishment for it.”

(AIBU) Am I being Unreasonable? Story 2

Here is another story from AIBU or Am I being Unreasonable, and this person wants to know if they are being unreasonable to ask for others’ opinions on God.

“Do you believe there is a God? I would like to, but how can he exist alongside modern science?

Aibu to believe in something more?”

Here are two opposing views on this topic:

“I do not believe in a god/s. I think humans have developed brains cognitive enough to feel like they need to ‘mean’ something on this earth and that life isn’t just firing synapses that stop when our bodies die. Hence religion in its many and varied forms.

Stephen Fry once had a piece about belief in god and what he said rang so very true. It was something about what you would ask god. I’ll see if I can find it.”

If you are interested to find the Stephen Fry piece this person mentioned, here it is.

“My DH is religious. I am a sceptic.

But he had a good point once. He said he believes in evolution and all that, that the god came in before all of it. The absolute beginning of beginnings. That someone had to create the thing which started it all. And maybe occasionally intervene.”

(AIBU) Am I being Unreasonable? Story 3

This last post from Am I being unreasonable (AIBU) is about someone who asks whether they are alone in thinking that the COVID-19 pandemic is changing people in odd ways.

“Have you noticed Covid changing you friends? Affecting their mental health?

Couple of examples of friends who have been very vocal on social media:

Friend1:

previously: quite left wing, into animal rights.

now: sees Covid as a scam, posting stuff from right ring/conspiracy oriented sites, attended a protest where people like David Icke was in attendance, many comments about “do your own research, don’t listen to the mainstream media”

Friend2:

previously: quite relaxed (maybe too relaxed), bit of a stoner, bit of a drinker, life of the part, quite sociable.

now: hardly leaves the house due to Covid, thinks people should wear masks at all times – even when outside, thinks people are taking Covid nowhere near seriously enough, thinks the media is underplaying Covid, thinks doctors are underplaying Covid etc. Although they think their life is in imminent danger from Covid still smokes and drinks at home

I am am bit concerned about the mental health crisis Covid could be causing”

This person is not alone in thinking this way, and this is evident in some responses:

“Yes I have seen some people change and it has affected some people’s mental health. I’m also concerned that some behaviour will be different once their vaccine is rolled out sufficiently for most of the restrictions in the Uk to end.

Not just personal behaviour but company too. I noted on another thread my thought that Covid 19 will be used as an excuse for poor service for a long time by some (I suggested Royal Mail, BT and Ryanair and think banks counter/branch service).”

“I think Covid has changed people. I’ve definitely seen different sides to people over the past 9 months, some of which I really don’t like. I’ve witnessed supreme acts of utter selfishness, e.g. a former friend who is a carer persisting in having parties every Saturday night with her family throughout the first lockdown…… My own family have called me borderline insane because me and the kids have actually stuck to the rules and we aren’t visiting them at the moment (tier 3 area), and I’ve seen parents at school getting hysterical over homework/Google classroom/staggered start and finish times.

I’m found myself telling friends to stop being that parent/give your head a wobble/you definitely have TOO much time on your hands quite often! 😀

It’s definitely affected people and it might be quite some time until we really understand just what the mental health cost of the pandemic truly is”

Conclusion

In this brief guide, we discussed AIBU and 59 signs that you are.

AIBU is an abbreviation for many forums on the internet and these forums can sometimes be quite malicious and difficult to spend time on, so make sure that if you do go to one of these forums you are prepared for some people to be rather mean.

If you have any more questions or comments about AIBU or the 59 signs that you are, please feel free to reach out to us at any time.

Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs): AIBU (59 signs that you are)

What does AIBU mean?

AIBU stands for Am I being Unreasonable, and it is the name of a forum in the popular parenting website, MumsNet. 

Under AIBU forum people usually come together to discuss when someone is being unreasonable about a desire or need or want, and usually it is a place to share opinions.

Where does AIBU come from?

AIBU came from a forum on the website MumsNet, which is known for creating many acronyms of their own, so much so that it has inspired a book about slang used by women on online forums.

What is MumsNet?

MumsNet is a website about parenting that was formed with the explicit intent to share knowledge about parenting and the common problems people usually go through.

Mumsnet is an example of a community coming together to solve problems that people face when raising children, and it provides a good platform for people to get together and talk about their issues and help each other out.

What we recommend for Relationship & LGBTQ issues

Relationship counselling

  • If you are having relationship issues or maybe you are in an abusive relationship then relationship counselling could be your first point of call. Relationship counselling could be undertaken by just you, it does not require more than one person.

LGBTQ issues

If you are dealing with LGBTQ issues then LGBTQ counselling may be a great option for you. Maybe you are confused as to your role and identity or simply need someone to speak to. LGBTQ counsellors are specially trained to assist you in this regard.

Citations

https://www.theguardian.com/media/shortcuts/2019/nov/12/mumsnet-new-language-book-parenting-website-vocabulary-female-perspective

https://www.gransnet.com/forums/aibu

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Sara Quitlag is an Applied Psychologist, with a deep interest in psychopathology and neuropsychology and how psychology impacts and permeates every aspect of our environment. She has worked in Clinical settings (as Special Ed. Counselor, CBT Therapist) and has contributed at local Universities as a Faculty member from time to time. She has a graduate degree in English Literature and feels very connected to how literature and psychology interact. She feels accountable and passionate about making a "QUALITY" contribution to the overall global reform and well-being. She actively seeks out opportunities where she can spread awareness and make a positive difference across the globe for the welfare of our global society.