7 Ways Your Childhood Affects Your Love Life

By OptimistMinds
Page last updated: 01/09/2022 | Next review date: 01/09/2024

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The Optimistminds editorial team is made up of psychologists, psychiatrists and mental health professionals. Each article is written by a team member with exposure to and experience in the subject matter.  The article then gets reviewed by a more senior editorial member. This is someone with extensive knowledge of the subject matter and highly cited published material.


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Hey Optimist Minds!

Have you ever wondered if your childhood plays a role in your romantic life as an adult? According to psychological theories, your experiences as a child significantly impact your behaviour and perspective when it comes to love and relationships.

Having a healthy and wholesome upbringing increases the chances of finding long-lasting, meaningful relationships as an adult. Similarly, growing up in adversity leads to various behavioural problems in adulthood, including issues with love and intimacy.

In this video, we will go over seven such ways in which your childhood affects your love life. This information can help you understand the underlying causes behind your behaviour and make you more self-aware. 

If you find that your past is holding you back in life, we recommend consulting a therapist to learn how to overcome that.

Now, let’s begin.

Number One

How you express affection.

Do you hesitate to show the person you love that you care about them? Or, perhaps, your ways of showing affection seem to smother your partner.

In the first scenario, you might think that being self-sufficient and aloof makes you less of a burden to your significant other. It might also be a way to prevent getting hurt. 

On the other hand, if you’re overly caring and protective, it could be because you need to be needed. You might feel afraid that you’ll be rejected if you’re not nurturing and selfless.

Such patterns emerge from years of observing your guardians on how to love. Their expressions of affection set an example for how you think you’re expected to behave in love.

Number Two

How you communicate.

Another example your parents set for you is how to talk about your thoughts and feelings. If you saw them communicate openly and respectfully, you learn how to do that in your adult relationships.

However, if you only saw them speak in harsh or demeaning ways, you pick up those habits involuntarily. You might also develop a communication style that’s evasive and dishonest.

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Number Three

Your attachment style.

Attachment styles refer to the particular way in which an individual relates to other people. These styles are formed on the basis of the nature of your relationship with your parents. 

If you shared a secure bond with your mother and father, as an adult, you’ll find it easy to be available, sensitive, responsive, and accepting to your partner. In contrast, an insecure attachment style may involve trust issues, fear of abandonment, and difficulty expressing your concerns.

Growing up feeling insecure can make you cold, distant, needy, jealous, or confused in your romantic relationships.

Number Four

How you resolve conflict.

Do your parents fail to resolve conflicts amicably? Are you used to seeing their fights turn ugly, where matters are blown out of proportion and then swept under the rug?

In order to learn how to healthily resolve conflicts, you need to observe and practice the rules of fair fighting. Arguments are inevitable in all relationships but they need not involve drama or defensive behaviour.

If you find that hard to believe, it’s likely that your childhood never showed you the right way to resolve a conflict.

Number Five

Your views on marriage and parenting.

Growing up in a loving home and seeing your parents happily married makes you want to have that for yourself. Conversely, witnessing a broken marriage, domestic violence, or any kind of power imbalance might make you aversive to the whole idea of monogamy and commitment.

Similarly, the way your parents raised you influences what kind of a parent you want to be. You’ll either look at their parenting as an example of what to do or you’ll try your best to do the exact opposite of what they did so you can be a better mom or dad.

Number Six

Your financial decisions.

The way you look at money depends on what your financial experience was in childhood. When you are used to a certain standard of living, or when you aspire to live in luxury, it’ll influence your mindset about money.

This only impacts your love life if you’re in a serious relationship where your financial decisions concern your partner as well. If the two of you are in disagreement about how much to spend and on what, consider if your upbringing has any role to play in your monetary expectations.

Number Seven

How you cope with problems.

When you’re facing a challenge, you’ll try to cope with it based on what worked for you in the past. If you had a difficult childhood, and you’re alive in spite of it, it’s because you found ways to deal with it back then. Think about what you relied on as a child. Was it emotional support from a loved one? A hobby or personal interest you distracted yourself with? Or perhaps a self-destructive habit that helped you escape?

As an adult, you’ll find yourself using the same ways to cope with problems in your love life. Sometimes, this can be harmful to the relationship as you might end up pushing your partner away.

Were you able to relate to any of the scenarios we described? Do you think you think your childhood may be negatively affecting your love life? Let us know your thoughts and stories in the comments. We’d love to hear from you.

A link for further reading and the studies & references used in the making of this video are mentioned in the description below.

Thanks for visiting optimist minds, take care. Until next time.

References

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