Hey Optimist Minds!
Here’s a question for you. How do you feel about your mother?
When we hear this question, some of us feel a warm sense of love and appreciation. We might even get mixed feelings due to a complicated relationship with our moms. But if hearing this question filled you with fear, anger, and other unpleasant emotions, this video might help you understand why.
A narcissistic mother is someone unable to feel empathy for her children. She tends to be controlling, manipulative, and excessively self-absorbed. However, her children don’t understand that it’s her behaviour that’s the problem till they’re much older. Instead, they spend years thinking they’re not good enough for their mother’s love.
In this video, we will talk about how to recognise if your mom has narcissistic tendencies. Knowing the signs can help you understand the nature of your relationship better so that you can begin healing. Please note that this information isn’t meant to diagnose or condemn narcissists.
Having said that, here are five signs of a narcissistic mother.
You felt neglected by her.
Did your mom leave you alone for hours at a stretch when you were younger? Did you often feel like you had to manage by yourself when you needed help?
Parental neglect is a form of child abuse since children are not supposed to be left unsupervised. It deprives them of their basic needs and puts them at risk of potential dangers. Narcissistic mothers aren’t reliable since their children’s needs are not a priority for them.
Some mothers take care of their children’s physical needs and never let the child forget about these favours, but they neglect the child’s emotional needs. Children need affection, validation, and consistency from their parents. A narcissistic mom will be too busy with her own life or too moody to provide these things.
Her love is conditional.
While growing up, did it feel like your mother’s approval depended on your achievements? Was she cold and distant whenever you made a mistake?
Narcissists make their disapproval evident by suddenly withdrawing affection. That’s because they’re prone to looking at the world as either black or white. If your actions meet their expectations, they see you as good and worthy.
But if their expectations are not met, they look at you as an utter failure. A narcissistic mom is only happy with her children as long as they bring her pride. She expects you to be successful or attractive enough to make others jealous. Falling short of that, she complains, ridicules, or even ignores you.
You hate being around her for special occasions.
Does your mom become more unpleasant to be around during festivals and holidays? Does she inevitably create a scene whenever you’re trying to celebrate?
Narcissistic mothers can make special moments feel terrible for everyone. Perhaps she’s unimpressed by your efforts to make it memorable. You might have worked very hard on your card, the decorations, the festivities. But she only has negative things to say about them.
Every year you go overboard thinking that maybe this time you’ll win her over. But, sadly, your efforts are never enough, and she can’t let anyone have a good time. She might cause drama during events like graduations or anniversaries when someone else is the centre of attention. It’s hard for her to let others be in the limelight.
Living with her is a neverending emotional rollercoaster.
Are you used to seeing your mom having emotional outbursts? Does it take very little for her to be seething with rage?
Under the outer layer of self-importance, most narcissists have intense feelings of shame hidden inside. This suppressed emotion is considered to be the core aspect of narcissism. Unable to process it in healthy ways, narcissistic mothers project their shame onto their children.
If your mom has narcissistic tendencies, she will be unable to regulate her emotions. So when her hidden insecurities get triggered, she starts attacking you with criticism, taunts, insults, and emotional blackmail. It’s because she feels a lot of negative emotions and doesn’t know how to handle them.
She had trouble letting you go.
Does your mom try to prevent or sabotage your independence? Does she say things like “you can’t do it on your own” or “you need me”?
As parents, we’re supposed to accept the idea that one day our kids will grow up and lead their own lives. A narcissistic mother will have trouble digesting this thought. If you start showing initiative or wish to make your own decisions, she will feel threatened.
She might try to convince you that you’ll never make it without her, or you’d be miserable alone. Perhaps she’ll make you feel guilty for wanting to leave or create your own plans. Your happiness isn’t a priority for her. She cares more about her own needs.
So, did these points explain why you felt uncomfortable when we asked the starting question? Were you able to relate to the examples we described? If so, you might be dealing with a narcissistic mother. It’s best to consult a therapist to understand what you can do about it.
A link for further reading and the studies & references used in this video are mentioned in the description below.
Thanks for visiting optimist minds, take care. Until next time.