30 Single and Lonely:(7 reasons, 8 techniques to cope)
In this article, we list out reasons why you are 30 single and lonely, and how to deal with it.
You’re in your mid-thirties and you’re still single? You’re not alone if you are. In their 30s, about 56 percent of people are married, while the other 44 percent of thirty-somethings are single. Since a few decades ago, when it was more normal to marry young, marriage timing has changed, today’s population is filled with people who may have different goals.
Since they want to be, some individuals are single. At this point in their lives, they are just not interested in being in a serious relationship. Due to the conditions of their lives, most are single. They may have either gotten out of a meaningful relationship or dated endlessly and have just not met someone they are comfortable with.
The reason you are single
Here are some of the possible reasons why you are 30 single and lonely:
Most individuals in intimate relationships have been injured. Through time and traumatic experiences, we all risk building up and being defended by varying degrees of bitterness. In our childhoods, this phase starts well before we begin dating when hurtful experiences and dynamics lead us to put up barriers or view the world through a filter that can affect us as adults negatively. Such changes will cause us to become more and more self-protective and closed off. We can refuse to be too insecure in our adult relationships or write people off too easily.
Leaning towards unhealthy attractions
We prefer to select less-than-ideal interaction partners when we act on our defenses. By selecting a person who is not emotionally accessible, we can create an unsatisfactory relationship. Since this mechanism is essentially unconscious, we sometimes blame our partner for the failed outcome of the relationship. Without realizing that we are genuinely trying out this pattern, we seem to feel devastated or hurt by the frequent rejections.
Fear of commitment and intimacy
Our intimacy fears may manifest as concerns about someone “liking us too much,” an understandably unreasonable reason not to date a person. Or by being negative, even engaging in nasty conduct, we can punish the other individual, effectively ensuring that we don’t get the loving responses we claim we want. The truth is that only a certain degree of closeness can be accepted by most individuals. We’re protecting ourselves against letting anyone else in. In essence, we do not want the love we think we want on a deeper level.
Our attitude toward the world
Often, our defenses leave us feeling more picky and judgmental. This is especially true after we’ve had bad experiences, where a person for whom we had strong feelings deceived or rejected us. Many women begin to have thoughts such as, “There are no good men out there” or “All the good ones are taken.” Men might have thoughts such as, “You can’t trust a woman” or “Women are all out to take advantage of you.” From the moment we encounter anyone, we might have unreasonable standards for a partner or recognize vulnerabilities. We prefer to write off several potential partners when seeing the world from critical or distrusting eyes before even giving them a chance. Without ever seeing how the person will make us happy in the long term, we think of dating those people as “settling”.
More than anything, they think they want a satisfying friendship, but they feel even more strongly that no worthwhile person will be interested in them. We all have “critical inner voices” telling us that we’re too fat, too ugly, too old, or too different. We indulge in activities that drive individuals away while we listen to these “voices.” If we stay single, it’s not for the reasons that we say to ourselves. Our lack of trust leaves us giving signals that we are not open, creating a catch 22 in the dating domain. When they’re very down on themselves, many individuals also have difficulty leaving the house, let alone seeking situations where they are likely to find potential partners.
Fears of competing also contribute to a loss of self-esteem. With others, it’s simple to put ourselves down, particularly when it comes to dating. It’s all too easy to say, “He/she could do better,” when we meet someone we like. When we see that someone else is interested in the individual we like, we can be eager to walk away. Especially as we get older, we can feel reluctant to compete, and we begin to have self-attacks like “Your time has passed, you’re too old for this.” Our competition fears may lead us to avoid putting ourselves out there. Maybe we’re scared of looking like a fool or not being selected. We might also have concerns about winning the game, worrying that we may “hurt the feelings of the other person” or that our performance will result in the loser’s violence. The basic truth is: it’s competitive dating. Taking a gamble and going after what we want and fighting is scary, but when we do, we most often find that overcoming our fears is well worth it.
Routine and Isolation
People tend to withdraw further and further into their comfort zones with age. Modern women are increasingly successful, accomplished, and self-sufficient, all of which are highly positive developments. However, when both men and women, whether financially or practically, become more relaxed, it is often easier for them to form a bubble from which it is difficult to emerge. Taking risks or putting oneself out there can feel more difficult. Many of us may feel more like putting on pajamas and crawling into bed after a hard day’s work than heading out into the unsure and anxiety-provoking world of meeting people.
What one can do when they are 30 single and lonely
Here is what Deborah Duley, a psychotherapist, and founder of Empowered Connections in Maryland tell people who are sick of being single:
Strengthen your friendship
We’re hard-wired for connection. Ask yourself if you crave companionship: are there any ways to fulfill your social needs? For example, if you’re sick of having nothing to do on a Friday night, ask your sister to have a bi-monthly dinner with you. If you lack physical contact, a good friend’s embrace will do wonders.
Liz Higgins, a therapist in Dallas, said, “Not to take away the desire to be in a romantic or committed relationship, but to remember that there are many ways to have healthy and fulfilling relationships.” “Feed those friendships.”
Of course, Higgins observed, this won’t diminish your need for a partner. But “it certainly helps you remain actively connected in other ways to people.”
Keep away from hearing about your future.
It’s easy to take a long view at the height of your worry and picture yourself still single at 35 or 40-whatever the precise age benchmark you fear is. Rachel Kazez, a Chicago-based therapist and founder of All Along, a program that helps people understand mental wellbeing and find treatment, said she remains focused on the moment.
“One day at a time, take it. There’s no way of knowing what the future holds,’ said Kazez. “You can feel how you’re feeling now, but don’t worry about expectations 20 years from now.”
Don’t quit dating
This could be the toughest advice to swallow if you’re totally over dating at this point. But don’t stop going with promising people on those first dates, said Kristin Zeising, a psychologist who works in Hong Kong.
Even if it feels awkward, you have to keep putting yourself out there,” Zeising said.” Go out with strangers, including those who don’t seem to be the right match. Be open to the experience; when you meet them, refining what you like and what you don’t will help you determine who is a good match.
Relevant to your preferences, join social groups
Cast a wider net outside of dating by joining a party or taking a class that attracts you. Maybe you’re not fulfilling your future S.O. There, but who does know? Somebody, you’re friends with may know somebody who’s just your type.
“There are myriad ways in which you can increase the chances of finding someone,” Duley said. “I always suggest that customers look at Meetup for activities and groups of individuals who share their interests.”
Don’t buy into societal assumptions that in a relationship you have to be
If you are a woman, your sense of urgency may be related to the societal expectation that you should be paired up by now. Society encourages women around the prospect of marriage to create aspirations, even futures.
Of that backward thinking, don’t fall victim. Focus more on what you can do on your own, said Duley.
Age Is Just A Figure
Whether they are too old or too young for you, don’t be too eager to write people off. Relationships succeed because two individuals are in love, mutually value one another, and have a wonderful time together, not because of how far apart they are in age. The age gap does not have as much significance as other factors, such as physical attraction and a compatible personality, when two individuals go on a date, “When two people go on a date, the age difference might not have as much importance as other considerations, such as physical attraction and a compatible personality,”
Knowing what you want
Now is a good time to figure things out so that you can find the best match if you’ve never really thought about what you want in a partner. Write down the names of the last few women who you have been dating. The top five things you liked about them and the top five things you didn’t like about them are listed next to their name. You will probably note that on the list there are common descriptors. What you should look for in your next partnership are the top features you enjoyed about these individuals.
Let Down Your Guard
A natural defensive mechanism is to put your guard up when you’ve been in a lot of failed relationships. You won’t get hurt if you don’t let someone in, right? If you don’t let anyone in, though, you probably won’t end up finding one. Let your guard down when the time is right and you’ve found someone you’re into who is into you as well. Be susceptible. If this makes you feel nervous, tell yourself that it’ll all be all right. It is okay to let your guard down once in a while.
In this article, we listed out reasons why you are 30 single and lonely, and how to deal with it.