Hey Optimist Minds!
When we’re in a new relationship, whether it’s romantic or platonic, there’s always an excitement towards the beginning. As you keep investing in each other, the bond can flourish for years. However, sometimes, relationships don’t make it in the long run.
A lot of times when this happens, one of the causes for the separation is unhelpful patterns of thinking. Thoughts can be unhelpful if they are irrational, negatively biased, or problem-centred. Thinking in these ways becomes an obstacle in interpersonal relationships.
In this video, we’re going to cover eleven such thoughts that destroy relationships. Once you learn to recognise them, you can start practising replacing them with more helpful thoughts.
We want our viewers to know that though avoiding these thoughts can help save a marriage, it’s not always enough. If you’re trying to resolve years of conflicts with someone, we recommend consulting a relationship coach or therapist.
Now, let’s begin.
We have to have it all, otherwise, we’re nothing.
This type of all-or-nothing thinking is also known as black-or-white thinking. It implies that you expect your relationship to be nothing short of perfection.
For example, you might think that if you and your spouse don’t successfully buy a house, big car, and have kids, then your relationship isn’t meaningful. Thinking like this undermines your connection and causes friction between you two.
You have so many shortcomings.
When you get to know someone better, you find out about all their flaws. It can become a problem if you spend a lot of time thinking about it. All relationships require you to be able to focus on the strengths of the other person. Thoughts like this interfere with that ability and you get stuck focussing on the flaws.
It’s your fault so you need to fix it.
It’s possible that the other person is solely responsible for a specific conflict in your relationship. But that can’t always be the case. No matter who is to blame, you both need to take responsibility to mend things. If you keep thinking that the onus is on them alone, you might push them away.
You must meet all my emotional needs.
It’s unfair to expect one person to take care of all your emotional needs, even if they are your life partner. That’s because our emotions are our responsibility.
We can request assistance for dealing with them, but we shouldn’t feel entitled to it. Otherwise, we start behaving in toxic ways. If the other person is supporting you, be grateful for it instead of demanding it at all times.
You are such a ____.
Using labels for people, even while privately thinking, is not a good idea. It limits your ability to see the person beyond the label. Consequently, you get caught up in the description and fail to value the person for who they really are.
Why can’t you be like that person?
Comparing your loved one with somebody else almost always creates negativity. It makes the listener feel inadequate and they might start hating the person you’re comparing them to. Moreover, even if they successfully become like that, it won’t feel authentic to them so they might consider leaving.
You don’t love me anymore.
You might be tempted to say this if you’re concerned that your partner is losing interest in you. Nevertheless, saying it won’t help your cause. They might dismiss it by saying, “of course I do” but then start getting overwhelmed by your need for validation. Instead, it’s better to talk about your feelings rather than assuming how they feel.
I know exactly what you’re thinking.
Mind reading is a type of thinking trap similar to the previous item. You simply assume you know what the other person will think, act, or feel. Based on that, you decide to skip a conversation about it. Doing this repeatedly causes communication gaps that might deteriorate a relationship.
If I ignore you now, you’ll chase me later.
People play mind games in attempts to protect themselves from getting hurt or feeling inferior. When you think in this way, your intention is to pull the other person closer but it’s an unhealthy way of doing it. Thoughts like this feed insecurity in both individuals and lead to unnecessary drama.
Things are going so well, I shouldn’t admit I was dishonest earlier.
It could be that during a rough patch, you did something that you don’t want your partner to find out. And now, maybe things are better between you two so you’re even more inclined to keep it a secret.
Sadly, secrets always have a way of revealing themselves and your partner might find out from a source other than you. That kind of pain is hard to forgive. It’s actually easier to move one when there is honesty and accountability.
Finally, overthinking, when done in excess, causes people to drift apart. If you’re constantly reading into things and trying to find hidden meanings, your insecurities might create a problem that wasn’t present originally.
Have you been having any thoughts like these recently? Do you think it could be jeopardising your relationship with someone? Let us know your thoughts in the comments section.
A link for further reading and the studies & references used in the making of this video are mentioned in the description below.
Thanks for visiting optimist minds, take care. Until next time.